How to cope with possibly losing everything

you''ve worked for....when you''re not in a position to rebuild your life?

Very long story shortish. Met him when I was nineteen, my first boyfriend. He was forty three and twice divorced + another other longish relationship. Neither of us had anything. He was supposed to be paying maintenance for a teenager and his mother at the time but was hiding from being chased by the courts about it.

Bought a house late eighties with deposit borrowed from my mum, top of the market. By 1991 in negative equity and he was made redundant. At the time we earned the same and 50/50 contributions.

Married only so my company would give me mortgage subsidy on entire mortgage rather than just my half (rates were 13 - 14% subsidised down to 5%) Without that we would have lost the house.

He used his redundancy to retrain and for a couple of years earned enough to pay 50% of bills, not including mortgage.

As my career took off he got lazy however and his work dried up. I got all the sob stories at the time (and believed him) about not being able to get clients; only more recently have I found out he preferred sitting indoors dressed as a woman playing computer games.

I was starting to earn a good salary so for about a decade I just let him keep what he earned as pocket money and paid all the bills, food, holidays etc. When at 60 he threw a strop and refused to work any more I gave him £250/month pocket money (on top of his private pension).

There were no children, I didn''t feel maternal and when I accidently got pregnant was ok with his suggestion of an abortion.

We split housework down the middle - he cleaned, I cooked and shopped and did all the DIY. When I worked abroad during the week I''d frequently spend all sunday cooking his meals for the week ahead.

I know now he controlled me - among other things I was frequently told no-one else would have me as I was too fat and ugly.

Back to the story...I paid mum her deposit back, paid the mortgage, paid my pension contributions. He got his pension at 50, I suggested he reinvest the money in a new pension but he wanted the cash now.

By 2009 I was on the point of a breakdown, couldn''t cope with my stressful job and horrible home life. I calculated I had enough equity (house had been in my sole name for at least ten years) to sell, buy something smaller mortgage free and fulfill a dream to get a degree, so to his disgust when he got to state pension age I quit my job.

For the first time since we married (and nearly twenty years after) we made equal contributions - his pension and my student loan were enough to live on.

Unfortunately I had the breakdown anyway a couple of years later - couldn''t cope with his anger, miserableness, and seeing him all the time dressed in Nora Batty''s cast offs stinking of cigarettes.

I told him I wanted out, he said he hadn''t loved me for years, perhaps ever. He wanted looking after though, and perhaps because I felt guilty about ending it we agreed that if I could find the money when I got my degree and a job I would build an extension and a ''grandad'' flat for him, but would live separate lives.

Just before I graduated I met a lovely man and this threw a spanner in the works....stbx hated the fact that I''d found someone despite his prediction I never would. New agreement was I''d use the money to buy him a property in his home county.

Graduation came and I couldn''t get a job. My lovely mum saw how down I was and offered to fund the house with him living rent free for the rest of his life, at which point she''d sell up to get her money back. Bear in mind she''s lots younger than him and he''s in poor health. STBX was happy with this and happy to agree that it would be the extent of the settlement. He insisted on a written agreement stating that (not drawn up by sols, naively I trusted him).

Of course now he''s sitting pretty in the house he''s threatening court to get me to sell my house, that he never paid a penny for, and looking for a chunk of pension too.

Now his income is three times mine (from his pensions)- I only get £60 per week carers allowance as a a carer for my new partner. I tried to get a job but nobody wanted me so raising a mortgage is not possible. The house is only a two bed terrace so it''s not as if I''m overhoused. (his new house is three bed)

I know this is just a rant, but I can''t see anyway to get the money he wants - the only asset I have now (as I spent my last five thousand pounds savings on his new furniture and move) is my house, and if I sell that I''ll be homeless. I''d have to rent and any equity that would be my share would be used on rent and living expenses (as my new partner is on income based disability benefits so would lose those).

I get so down, I can''t bear to think of losing my house, my stability. When I was working long hours in a stressful job I felt I was securing my future. Being mortgage free I used to feel happy that no-one could take it away from me.

A large part of my pension is the contracted out contributions, if he gets that (and the law changes make it very attractive for him) my state pension would be reduced to peanuts but I wouldn''t have the private pension to make up the difference. So a very poor old age.

I gave that man everything for over twenty years and now he wants my future too.

Hi, welcome to the wiki website...

I just wanted to send you hugs ((((())))) I think you need them!

I am sure someone more knowledgable will come along and advise you soon.

The first thing to do is get a bit of paper and a pencil.
2 columns

One for you, one for him.
In each draw up asetts/incomes/ expenses etc.
You can give rough estimates.

Then you will have a starting point to wrk from. Exes usually chance their hand and lie and so on so arm yourself with figures and then see what happens . Make a cup of tea !!!

Evening worldsbiggestmug.

I feel every bit of your pain. You and I have so much in common. Don''t give up.

Sending you ((())).

Thank you for the hugs and kind words - I know my post was a rant, I guess I was just trying to offload a bit.

Polar, I had no real idea of divorce when this started - had never heard of White v White which according to the solicitor I saw means that a contribution of sitting on his arse all day is equal to my working therefore he deserves half my assets (while also keeping his own for himself). There were no children, I paid for everything and he chose to be underemployed.

I thought about it in simple terms of us both needing a house to live in, and an income.

The solution we agreed between us gave that.

Very briefly,

Me - assets, house (£155k mortgage free) - 2 bed terrace. Nothing else more than £500
Debt - approx £6k credit cards, £30k student loans (used for living expenses whilst together) £20k from mother for renovations and agreed to be paid back if I get a job.
Pension - final salary CETV £50k, money purchase £80k
Income - carers allowance £61 per week, live in partner on income based disability benefits and he pays slightly more than half the bills.
Expenses - as little as possible given the above! There''s no spare money.

Him - assets none over £500.
I saw somewhere that the fact he has a rentfree house (three bed terrace) for life has a value in itself, based on life expectancy and average rent. Crunched some numbers and it came out to about £30k
Pension if he were to purchase the annuity today, with the widows benefit would cost £50k. As it''s in payment a CEV would cost £1k to provide so actual value unknown. Also circa £20k serps.
Income - approx £140 p/w state pension, £25 private pension also some pension credits. Expenses - I can only guess but he should have about £300 per month left over, but he may smoke it all away.

Oh heck, I''m ranting again!

I think most of us would agree that we had no real idea that we might divorce when we signed the register to say that we were married.
Unfortunately equality also means that if the wife stayed at home and was entitled to half the assets then the reverse must also be true.
While my ex earned far more than me I actually earned as much by sitting at home and investing. I earned my money by thinking rather than going to another place of work. (not a very good way of describing my work but I took massive gambles in property and it paid off) Unfortunately I reinvested and as a result she had the income, I had the hard assets.
Not that I''m suggesting that our situations are remotely similar but when she tried to go for my assets I said that I would be entitled to half the profits from her business. That caused sheer panic.
She hadn''t bargained on the fact that it was a two way street and she might have to support me.

Going back to your post.
You on DHSS and little chance of being rehoused (well here anyway). Survival income. House value £135k thats 155-20 to your mother. Minus another £6k credit card.
Minus student loan (if under 55 I believe)
So now your assets are reducing. Take off sale costs of property £4k and its getting lower.
How come he has a rent free house ?. Yes the fact that you can also compare living expenses in the equation count but this means you are both roughly equal.
Now his real asset is his pensions. Without hard figures I would bet that the notional gross value of these equals at least the asset value you have left.
Its obvious that you have not got the income to pay high solicitors fees so now is the time to bluff (as I did) . Tell him he either leaves your assets alone or you will go for his pension plans.

Somebody might be better able to advise you on the pension value side to give you firmer values as to his ''''asset pot'''' compared with yours.

I think you may find that there is a balance and that he will struggle to claim anything from you. (I don''t guarantee that I am rightand hope other wikis add their comments and advice)

Really sorry to read your post - don''t know enough to comment but you have my every sympathy as due to solicitor negligence which i will be fighting for compensation on, my ex has basically as I call it legally robbed me of the house that he lived in and never contributed to!!! - I will now have to sell the house and give him 50% of the equity and his solicitors have not stopped at that either!

I just have to believe as you do that somehow there is a way and that you will get to a resolution. Good luck!