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trauma bonding

  • goldengirl65
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21 Oct 14 #447286 by goldengirl65
Topic started by goldengirl65
How do you deal with trauma bonding/Stockholm syndrome. My husband of 6 years, together 15 left nearly 4 months ago, I was just discarded with no remorse at all.
I have been put on anti-depressants and am in counselling, but although I have been told he has narcissistic traits I am finding it so difficult to deal with how used and worthless he has made me feel.
I am constantly replaying every thing he has done, and know he was cold towards me but the pull to make contact is driving me nuts.
My family are so worried that if he ever decides to want me back I wont be strong enough to tell him no.
I seem to be conditioned to need him, but all he did was take all my love, my money, my trust, I feel empty like he also took my soul.

  • Home alone feeling better
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21 Oct 14 #447315 by Home alone feeling better
Reply from Home alone feeling better
Evening

Many of us on here have been discarded with no reasons at all, I for one.

Who knows why they do it, but they just do. They decide in a blink of an eye, we just play catch up.

I''m further down the line now and time is a healer.

You are not worthless, you deserve much more and you will get it in time.

Look after yourself and take care x

  • sim5355
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21 Oct 14 #447319 by sim5355
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hi! bevina
I know what you are going through,the way I dealt with it is to read a lot about narcissim ,you understand it ,it makes more sense your brain can then make sense of it.time ,and a lot of it, helps .The reason you keep replaying everything is your brain trying to sort it all out ,and it will in time.Have no contact with ex during this time you will be very weak to his manipulation.It does get better but it took me 3 years and now I feel nothing for him.

  • Mitchum
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21 Oct 14 #447323 by Mitchum
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If only the head, heart and gut depts could work in unison! But we’re human and we have strong emotional ties to the person we love. When we fall in love we channel all our hopes and aspirations into that relationship and when one partner decides to leave we’re left traumatised and wondering what went wrong.

All the advice is to follow the no-contact rule. If you''re thinking of making contact, try really hard not to. Sit on your feelings. Endure your anxiety, do breathing exercises, call someone, come onto wiki and write a post or a blog - whatever it takes to distract those thoughts. It''s important to hang in there even when the urge to contact him feels unbearable.

If he does return and want to talk about giving him another chance, remember when it comes to it he lets you down, he''s proved before he just can''t do it. He can''t be there for you. Try to let him go and move on.

xx

  • Marshy_
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22 Oct 14 #447337 by Marshy_
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Hi Bevina. There are 2 sides to your issue.

The need to contact them. Thats fairly normal. Lots of people go thru this. And there is a work around. What I suggest is based on a promise. Promise yourself that you will not contact him for the next 60 seconds. When you get to a minute, promise another minute. When you have 5 mins unders your belt, promise another 5 and so on and so on until you get to an hour. Then promise another hour until you get to 24. Then promise another 24 and so on and so on. This is sneaking up on it. And its like a game of snakes and ladders. When you achieve a promise and there is no contact you go up a step on the ladder. When you contact them, you go down a snake and you start again. Back at 60 seconds. And you will feel awful after you have contacted him. That again is fairly normal.

You havent failed if you step on a snake. Its just you have not succeeded yet. Keep trying. Life rewards triers.

Constantly reviewing conversations and actions by the ex is again pretty normal. You are re-living a trauma. Like a car accident or perhaps some other big trauma in your life and its the minds way of coming to terms with it. Soon, you will be done with it and you wont bother with it as you will be bored of it.

The main thing to concentrate on is your self confidence. Our confidence takes a massive hit when we have been rejected like this. Getting your self confidence back will make all the rest go away. And self confidence is like a golden key. This key is the one that lets you have access to the rest of your life. Low confidence means that we make poor choices and lack the get up and go to take risks and achieve.

Lastly... There is nothing wrong with you. You just have hit a bump in the road on your lifes journey. And if anything, this is a lesson in life. Life does try us to make us learn the harsh realities of life. Life can be wonderful and full of laughter. It can also smack you upside the head when you least expect it. And this is a lesson for you. Learn how to deal with this and nothing will ever phase you again. Everything is trivial after this. Myself and everyone that has survived this will agree. You nodding brothers and wicki sisters? Marshy.

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22 Oct 14 #447338 by Marshy_
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I forgot to say... It doesnt matter if he had narcissistic tendencies. It doesnt matter if he liked cheese and onion crisps or watching strictly or corry or eastenders. Dont concentrate on what he was. What he really is is "GONE" and thats the most important hash tag. #GONE is what he really is. And in time you will realise that this is the most important event in your life. The event that starts it all and enables your recovery to start. Marshy.

  • Pipsqueakthefirst
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22 Oct 14 #447341 by Pipsqueakthefirst
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Trauma does terrible things to your psychology and emotions. When you have supported and loved someone especially someone controlling its like the heavy object you have been holding up suddenly disappears and you loose all sense of reality and self worth.

Any anxiety which is with you for longer than a month can turn into POst Taunatic Stress Syndrome and when you suffer this you do all sorts of things which you don''t normally do.

You have probably been focusing on how to make him happy for a long time and as he has suddenly upped and left you are completely at a loss as to how to function right now hence your trauma. Being abandoned causes a sense of huge loss.

Don''t do anything rash right now. It might also help to write down how he is making you feel and act and then ask yourself almost as a third party what advise you would give to a friend who came to you with those problems. You might realise that your advise to someone else would be to cut him out of your life and try and manage your feelings in a positive way.

Be careful of making rash financial and life decisions at present as trauma can make you do things that you wouldn''t normally do when you are in your right frame of mind.

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