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new relationship help

  • ross78
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25 Oct 14 #447604 by ross78
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Hi all,

My stbx left to find herself 4-5 weeks ago and tore my world in 2, now I''ve been through the mill emotionally, I''ve been really low, I have and still suffer sleepless nights, my emotions go up and down normally 1 day down 3 days up then 1 down ect.
I am trying to keep things going and not doing too bad.
I am still friendly to my stbx when we do talk as we have a lot to sort through as in the sale of the house, our daughter, finances ect but here is my problem because she left me I am assuming she is way in front of me as in emotionally separating herself from our marriage so if the opportunity arises I would assume she would start another relationship ( I have a suspicion it might have happened already) but when I am out and a woman approaches me I cant even react properly and I act and feel like I am cheating on my stbx, also with it being a short time there is a chance we could make a reconciliation even tho she says there is no chance (she has said this before) I don''t want to feel like a cheat but she has left and if I did do anything it would be the final nail in the coffin.

If anyone has any advice or experience on this I would really appreciate it

  • Action
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25 Oct 14 #447606 by Action
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3 days up and 1 day down isn''t bad! It''s early days and you''re still in shock. Yes, you''re right, she is way ahead of you and has probably been planning to ''find herself'' for some time. She may already be with someone else.

Your reaction to the approach of other women this early is perfectly normal. You''d be a fool to think that you could switch off the emotional involvement with your wife and move on so soon - would not be fair on you or any potential girlfriend.

You need to take your time, heal, think, decide what you want from life.

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25 Oct 14 #447610 by ross78
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Thanks Action,
That''s was what I was thinking about a new relationship, my life was all about my stbx so as I am now alone I am going out more which is good but the people I go out with constantly tell me to "go and dance with her" or " what I need is to have sex to stop feeling down" and to "stop worrying what my stbx thinks" but I thought it was normal to feel like this, I am a little bit like if she''s doing it then why shouldn''t I.

  • Vastra1
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26 Oct 14 #447621 by Vastra1
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Hi Ross, agree with Action, its early days & the pain will be raw & intense, and you are going well to be having some better days already.
It''s tempting to jump into another relationship but I recommend you hold off, and learn to get through this with the support of friends & family, and a range of coping strategies (whatever helps you - exercise, counselling, knitting - just kidding). It would be tough on you or a partner to start something in this headspace.
Im only dating now, about 19 months after ex left for OW. I''m glad I waited because I have learned to manage & be ok alone.
Best wishes to you, we know how horrendous this is xx

  • AngieP
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26 Oct 14 #447625 by AngieP
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Hi Ross. I agree with the others. I think it takes time to unravel your feelings.

Vastra - you''re dating? From your entries on here which I always enjoy reading you come across as a smart, kind and caring woman. He''s a lucky fellow! x

  • HeadKnowsHeartDoesnt
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26 Oct 14 #447637 by HeadKnowsHeartDoesnt
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Woah Ross - stop right there please - 4-5 weeks is no time at all. If this is the end of your life as you know it, this is going to taking a long long time. You said there may be a chance of reconciliation, I wish you luck with that.

I am 9 months into this process and have many ups and downs. Someone likened this situation as a roller coaster ride where you wanna scream faster to get off and make it go away, but you can''t. There will be ups and downs, twists and turns and even going backwards. You are doing incredibly well with the ups versus the downs, keep it going.

Those sleepless nights, and you probably can''t eat either do end, but they will take time - we are all different so there is no rule book as to when you should be feeling better. If you are having problems with this, please try and see your GP who can help, not necessarily with meds, but general support. Have your considered counselling - it may help you to understand why this has happened.

It''s good you are on friendly terms with your stbx, at least you are talking.

You are right in assuming she is way ahead of you emotionally, this leaving to find herself would not have been taken lightly by her nor been a snap decision to take. You are playing catch up, and maybe she will even reverse so you are on a kind of level playing field emotionally.

When you are out, and I am assuming you mean in a social situation, there is nothing wrong with talking to another woman. when I was married and even now I talk to men all the time, you can''t avoid it. Please don''t feel you are cheating just by talking to someone, don''t forget they don''t know your situation and if you aren''t wearing your wedding ring this may signal to them you are available.

Please keep posting, Wiki has been a great support to me and countless others. Yo are with friends here who understand exactly what you are going through.

Take Care xx

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