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  • killbill
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31 Oct 14 #448056 by killbill
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Sorry to see you here, and we all have had similar stories to tell, but do get through it.

Don''t trust anything she says....almost all of them also say there isn''t anyone else involved or nothing is happening when in fact they are lying through their teeth!

You will probably be in shock for a while as your world has been turned upside down. As you say at least here you can get great support from others who have either gone through the same or going through it too. It makes you feel less alone.

In time you will come to realise that even after all these years she has in fact done you a favour because otherwise you could be spending the rest of your life with a person who hasn''t been adult enough to at least show you some respect and be honest with you, if she felt things were wrong in your relationship.

Try and focus on either your work or family, and start to get your finances sorted because that''s one of the most important things when splitting up, as they start to get very petty too, and as others have said most likely blame you for not meeting her needs in some way. Being prepared for this behaviour at least gives you some strength and insight because otherwise it will seem like she has been replaced by an alien that you can''t recognise and you start to question your own judgement, so it''s almost as if you feel you can''t even trust yourself and judgement as you keep wondering where and what you did to make it all go so wrong.

Again, we''ve been there too, and just remember that if they showed their true colours at the beginning of a relationship, they''d never be in one, so it''s all a façade to them anyway. A huge game that they get tired and bored of playing, and you''re just the poor b*gger in their way. As they are like emotional vampires that prey on the emotions of their partners until they feel that they are no longer getting the adoration that they deserve, so look for it elsewhere. Just think you''ve actually done very well to have lasted as long as you did.

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31 Oct 14 #448059 by polar
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Well said !! I can agree that if they showed their real colours or ''game plan for THEIR life'''' you would have run a mile or even more. You were just the best option to achieve their aims (whatever they may be), and when they achieved those aims you were surplus to requirements. Unfortunately the damage they do to decent people takes a long time to recover from. After all life is a struggle when first in a relationship and you are tied with mortgages, loans or similar.
Just when you get to the stage of not having to struggle you are thrown into a maelstrom of basically having to start from scratch.
Can you imaagine in the old wild west the scenario if a gambler suddenly stood up and left a game of poker just because they were wining ? And then rushed to the sherrif for protection because the rest got angry. Hmmm !!!
Yep the post by killbill is spot on. You will get through it and karma works in funny ways !!

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31 Oct 14 #448066 by ross78
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I know she is lying through her teeth to me to try to spare my feelings, weirdly enough after 18 years I found out that when me and my stbx first met on holiday she was with another man then dumped him to be with me then after a few years she went on holiday with her family (without me due to work) and fell for a guy behind my back, we did split for a couple of months after that, and this guy she met while on a long weekend with her family again without me, so I see a pattern forming, I can never trust her again so the coffin is sealed.
My main problem is my confidence is as low as its ever been I feel like ive been used to the Absolute limit and traded in for a man with a bit more money and enthusiasm to impress a new woman as we all do at the beginning not sure how to lift myself above the feeling someone else being intimate with someone who I still love but cant be with

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31 Oct 14 #448070 by killbill
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To be honest with you, I don''t think it''s to spare your feelings, it''s more likely to be because liars and cheats do not want to be seen as bad people and to have to really admit that to themselves, well they just won''t and that''s why they displace the blame onto anyone else other than themselves.

But I digress. As you say, it''s your confidence that''s taken a hard knock, as with most of us here it''s happened too, so we do know how you feel. Cast aside like a worn out pair of shoes no longer needed, and them showering all their affection onto someone else.

But you will get stronger and you will eventually get over that, and your confidence will return, and you will come to realise that they are sad individuals who will never have a firm solid relationship with anyone because you can''t have that when you are a person who can''t stay faithful with someone you''ve married and committed too, because life is hard and difficult enough without the added drama of deceit from a partner.

As someone said," The grass is greener on the other side, because of the bullsh1t that feeds it!".

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31 Oct 14 #448080 by polar
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As someone once said to me. Your confidence has not gone away. Its only taken a back seat .
Once a cheater always a cheater as they say and unfortunately you made the crucial decision at the start. As you say she was with someone else at the time.
I am surprised that you forgave her first violation of your trust but the fact that she did it again shows she did not really care for you anyway. You were just the safety net to fall back on every time.
Yep we have all felt like you after being passed over for a new model. But this is where you start readjusting.
Start to be happy with what little you have. Modern society leads us to believe that the better car you have and the bigger house you have will all make you a better person. No it doesn''t.
For example I sold a car i had to a young kid. It was a 1998 volvo estate. Great condition and he polishes it to showroom condition every weekend. His friends laughed at him at first BUT his insurance is a lot lower. His fuel consumption is lower !!!(diesel) There is not one of his friends with a car which out accelarates it. And the back seats fold down to a bed !!! Now who is laughing because he paid cash and they all have monthly payments !!
Te moral of this story is not to be one of the sheep. Its WHO you are and not what you have that makes you attractive.
So now is the time to work on YOUR life, your future and start feling sorry for the poor B!@!*** she is with now because it wont be long before he is in your position.
Then who will have the last laugh.

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01 Nov 14 #448106 by ross78
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My stbx has just taken my daughter out for a meal and ive been told that the guy she met is going to be there.
She only left 5 weeks ago, I think its absolutely disgusting for it to be so soon, my daughter is 15, What do I do?

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01 Nov 14 #448108 by MrsMathsisfun
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Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. At 15 your daughter is old enough to make her own mind up and will probably have plenty to say!

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