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I just wanted to be ..... me ....

  • thehippy
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12 Nov 14 #449119 by thehippy
Topic started by thehippy
I''ll start at the beginning... that''s a good place. I walked out on my 40 year marriage August last year, and moved in with a man I''ve known for some years. Long time, 40 years ... I was married at 16 and have 2 grown up kids. So, for the WHOLE of my adult life, I''ve been someone''s wife, and someone''s mother ... not just me. I''ve found my soul mate, I know that, and love him dearly. We have everything in common; me and husband have nothing in common. I can''t help thinking about my husband a lot of the time. Worrying more like; he''s not a dramatic suicidal type of chap, and has plenty of friends. I''ve hurt a lot of people by walking out; one of my children is sort of supportive, the other one (with a family of their own) isn''t. I''m very ''down'' a lot of the time, although not when my new chap is with me, he makes me laugh a lot and very good company. I am in touch with my husband during the week via email and visit to collect some personal items still at the house every few weeks. We have an amiable relationship. I KNOW what my life will be like should I return - I don''t WANT to return - I try to be positive but it''s very, very difficult. I know no-one can tell me what to do, but should I be feeling like this? I will be honest, I have wondered whether life is worth it and it would be easy to leave this life... but that would hurt so very many more people that''s for sure. It all seems so hopeless sometimes. Thank you for reading..

  • juliette0307
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12 Nov 14 #449123 by juliette0307
Reply from juliette0307
You''ve been a wife and a mother. Putting yourself first will come with a huge dose of guilt.
Should you have done it? No one but you can tell. But you have done it, you have hurt a lot of people, you think. Make sure you really give it a go by embracing what you are doing.
Otherwise, you will have hurt the people you walked out on and not given 100% to the new life you are trying to create. That would be a waste on both sides.

  • Marshy_
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13 Nov 14 #449137 by Marshy_
Reply from Marshy_
thehippy wrote:

It all seems so hopeless sometimes. Thank you for reading..

Its probably guilt. You found happiness and you are torturing yourself for feeling happy. Give your self a break for FFS sister.

If wanting to be you is important to you, then be you. U get one crack at this. Not a read thru, this is it. So be you. And stop looking over your shoulder. What is done is done. U cant change any of it. U gave XX years in that space. Now thats done. Be proud of what you did not ashamed. You actually serve less for murder.

How people perceive you is down to them. You cant live your life to the beat of someone else''s drum or live in a shadow of their making. You have to occupy your own shadow. Nothing else will work and if you try, you will fail. So be you and nothing else.

Cut the ending it talk or thoughts. This helps no one and is pure robbery. You have lots to give and do and make your mark on this 3rd mud ball. The world needs you. Remember that.

Guilt is such a useless emotion. Hang on to the reasons you left and just enjoy what you have. Your a long time dead. But that time is not now. So do one and jog on. Marshy.

  • Shoegirl
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13 Nov 14 #449149 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
Give your family time to adjust. It''s hard on everyone because you''ve been there for everyone else. Now you are factoring your needs too and that''s not happened before. Some people may get upset by these changes. That doesn''t make the changes wrong.

You can''t change how you feel about your marriage. It is what it is and you have a new relationship. Is all you can do is move on with respect from the marriage and unfortunately there isn''t a relationship out there that can stop you hurting about the demise of the long term relationship and family life never quite being the same again plus the aftershocks to your wider family.

You are in a process of transition as is everybody else. Let things balance out over time. My advice is to think about the effects on you and everyone else of thinking in extremes e.g. My husband and I had nothing in common, my new relationship we have everything in common. This is a red flag for classic transition. The truth will be somewhere in between the two extremes probably. Try to keep things on an even keel as much as you can.

It''s ok to be down, again it is what is it. This is a major life change and of course it is not going to be easy. You aren''t going to get others approval for the changes you wanted to make although it''s likely your adult children will adapt in time. As for your husband, he is not your responsibility. It sounds harsh but you can''t help him through it and trust me contact will make it worse for him. He may want to keep the contact up, it''s natural to hold on to whatever you can when you have been left but ultimately this doesn''t help him to move forward. You have left your husband, but you now need to find a way to let him go. Not unusual that. My ex physically left me for another but I can say with some years worth of hindsight that it took him a couple of years to even get close to letting me go. I was the one that had to enforce no contact so I could get that distance and space to move forward. Leaving someone and letting go of them are two very separate things. Leaving is physical space, letting go is the emotional bond. The latter is much harder.

Someone very wise once told me that it is possible to let someone go in love. My situation was different to yours in many ways but I found thinking that way useful.

Finally you are going to have a little battle I think with yourself about putting your needs first as it''s very foreign to you. Marshy''s right, you need to forgive yourself. Having a laugh with your new chap is a little light relief but until you get the forgiveness work done, this is going to bug you.

  • thehippy
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13 Nov 14 #449164 by thehippy
Reply from thehippy
Thanks readers, I appreciate your replies. I was feeling particularly down last night, that''s what prompted me to add to this forum. Ya know, I met my husband when I was 13 and he was 18. I think really, we WAS too young to be married at 16/20 (almost 21)and kids immediately (I was 17 when 2nd was born) but didn''t have the belief in myself to take this step, until E came along. Even then, it''s taken me 4 years to realise. Husband has never been cruel, but just always ''let me get on with things''... and that''s not really the way to go - It''s NICE to have someone share what you''re doing! Do I feel guilty??


I''m scared to encounter my kids in-laws, old neighbours etc etc, as I think they''re all on husbands side and blame me totally, although I did receive a few very supportive emails, and one of them was from my nephew & wife (on husbands side of family).

I''m now really concerned what husband is doing at Christmas. I cannot bare the thought he will be alone - last year both children/partners/family stayed with him. It''s strange - the Dau-in-law has gone that extra mile and been very decent about the whole thing, even bringing grandkids to see me a couple of times.

Life can be hard can''t it...

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