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Really struggling

  • NellNoRegrets
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29 Nov 14 #450429 by NellNoRegrets
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Hi

In the early days after my x left I cried every day for months. Eventually my younger son asked me to go to the GP as he couldn''t stand it any more. I got anti-depressants and was in counselling for 8 months.

What was - and is - helpful - is to DO SOMETHING. Which is always hard when you feel "what''s the point?" But the point is that exercise is good for you and it releases endorphins which help cheer you up.

I found putting on some boppy music and doing the vacuuming was good. It focused me on cleaning rather than how miserable I felt, and when I''d finished I had a sense of accomplishment. Gardening is also good for this, plus you are getting fresh air.

But it does take time. I''m nearly 6 years into my separation and I would say it took 5 months before I felt like socialising and about 9 months before I really started enjoying life again.

I look back now and remember all the pain, grief, shock etc. I still find it hard to believe it happened. Sometimes I feel lonely, I miss the happy times, but I have happy times now too.

I feel totally indifferent to my x, I just find his self-delusion pitiful.

You will get there though, you''re doing all the right things. Just keep doing them and keep going.

  • polar
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29 Nov 14 #450445 by polar
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Been there. Done that.
Crying every night. Images flashing through my head. A bit of sleep and waking up to another day of depression and worry.
My daughter also dragged me to the doctor and I sat like a blubbering wreck.

I''m not ashamed of it. It was part of the process and it does get better with time.

Yes what exactly is the point. One person you invested in for 25 years suddenly tells you that you are the worst person in the world and would prefer anyone else but you.

Its feels like you have just announced to them that you have ebola and they scuttle to the safety of their new love.

Then you take that one step outside your safety zone, then two then three and you slowly discover that the whole world doesn''t feel the same way and with every step you gain another point in confidence.

And one day you realise that you did not lose them. They lost you.

  • Suttonday
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29 Nov 14 #450464 by Suttonday
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Hello...

I just wanted to say that I understand the physical pain it causes.. Oh my.. I never realised heart break actually physically hurt .. How u think ur going to never stop crying..

I''m 10 months on and I cry randomly for only a few minutes now..
Time .. It''s the only thing that eases the pain because u just become accustomed to the situation rather than accepting

I used to listen to a song I heard in the film "the other woman" I searched and searched for it and found it (Britt Nicole - the sun is rising) I cried more to that .. I felt my heart rip out but it gave me hope I felt like she was talking to me..

the struggle was so hard and it still is.. I got so ill from the stress .. Had S & D for 3 months so couldn''t keep food in I lost weight .. Almost skeletal .. My hair fell out in droves and that scared me.. My friend dragged me to the drs.. Had blood tests etc ..never felt so low.

Today, I feel better..I can keep food in, I can smile and laugh and I can see I may have a better future but im not over him or the lies.. Being cheated on really is so so painful and hard to understand

Ur are amazing.. Ur going to feel sad but ur getting thru it every day .. Hour by hour.. I know how every minute ur brain is just consumed with it all but slowly it''ll start to make room for other thoughts ..

I went out a lot in the beginning im not a drinker but I had a few.. Some funny nights amongst the horrendous ones.. It is a rollercoaster ride just let people ride it with u..
I have some amazing friends.. Some are just there by text but any support is great and ur real friends don''t tire of it

Look after urself.. Don''t treat urself the way they treated u.. This is one thing I''m learning to do.. He broke me and continues to do so.. So I try to treat myself better than I did.. Be kind to urself don''t expect miracles ur allowed to grieve .. They hurt u and every cut needs to heal but they always do xx

I''m Learning to cope myself so I offer my advice the best I can and only thru experiencing the same xx

  • WinterBaby
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07 Dec 14 #451073 by WinterBaby
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Suttonday, you could be writing my story. I''ve lost lots of my hair and now have bald patches. I have acne over most of my face and I''ve lost over 10kg that I couldn''t really afford to lose. I feel so ugly and these thoughts are heightened by the fact he rejected me for someone else.

  • NellNoRegrets
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07 Dec 14 #451079 by NellNoRegrets
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His loss!

Flip that thought. He didn''t appreciate what he had. You will rediscover yourself and make a better life. It will happen, it will just take time and effort.

I remember shortly after ex left I went to see the "Mamma Mia" film. A group of girlfriends had gone but I didn''t feel like joining them, so I went on my own to a matinee. I thought it would be a frothy feel-good film, which it is of course. But I''d not realised how upset I''d be. Firstly it reminded me of a couple of holidays ex and I had in Greece (first place we went abroad together), it''s about love, and then there was the scene where Meryl Streep emotes "The winner takes it all". Well, I sat in that cinema thankful the music was so loud and we were in the dark and I was alone as I bawled my eyes out.

I still can hardly bear to hear that song, but I am now in a much better place. You will get there.

I also had a friend who was so thin by the time she got divorced (her ex insisted on staying in the home, was awful to her and the children, saying in front of them he didn''t want any photos of them and bringing home women he''d met on the internet whenever she was away). Now she''s moved nearer her family and is dating again. She looks fantastic. It will happen for you too!

  • Vastra1
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07 Dec 14 #451084 by Vastra1
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((( )))
Be kind to yourself Winterbaby, the stress takes an enormous toll on you physically. I lost weight like most others here and looked like the walking dead with pimples (at 42!), deep frown lines and red puffy eyes. I rarely used makeup before (in fact it was one of the alleged crimes cited by my ex) but had to make a bit more effort.
Now 20 months on people are telling me I look well and happy, and you will get back to your normal self too, probably with a stronger and wiser heart.
Make sure you get good nutrition with vitamins and fresh fruit and vegies and if you can maybe treat yourself to a manicure or pedicure. x

  • WinterBaby
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09 Dec 14 #451275 by WinterBaby
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Thanks for the latest replies. Had a brilliant session with my counsellor today and feel calm and positive. The relaxation classes I''ve been going to aren''t doing much for me so I''ve been looking into boxing classes as I need something that''s going to give me a burst of adrenaline. I''ve also been into work to meet with my manager and agree on a phased return to work.

That Chumbawumba song just popped into my head and it''s so true. "I get knocked down, but I get up again"

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