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Really struggling

  • Vastra1
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10 Dec 14 #451288 by Vastra1
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Just stay away from all the lager and cider :)
Glad to hear you are feeling better today. Enjoy your boxing!

  • freefalling
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11 Dec 14 #451379 by freefalling
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Hi Winterbaby
Glad you''re doing better. We must have married the same man as my ex rejected me too. He made me feel like the ugliest woman on earth and I truly understand how it messes with your head. It took me a while to really understand that even if I looked like Elle McPherson, my ex would still have cheated on me because he really no longer loved or valued me. If he did.. he wouldn''t have done what he did and that''s the bottom line.
Life will be different but a better different in time. You deserve more. X

  • AngieP
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11 Dec 14 #451381 by AngieP
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It really does mess with your head and in my case made me feel washed up and ugly and I was actually told by him I was an ugly ***** . Well I am compared to the sort of women he was lusting after. Funny thing now is I am getting comments saying how much better I look. Thing I now realise is it is nothing at all to do with physical appearance. I also know now that neither me or our marriage were valued by him. I also believe he did not value himself. That is why we have to learn to value ourselves

  • polar
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11 Dec 14 #451382 by polar
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Yep I thought that nobody would fancy me ever again. WRONG !!!
I live a mixed life being incredibly scruffy one minute and the next I can scrub up well.
Nobody treats me with less respect when I am under their sink stopping a leak because I am not wearing Armani.
This requirement to be accepted is probably irrational. When scruffy I am not looked down on in petrol stations or shops . My friends don''t shun me in the street. Its accepted that at certain times I will look like I am dragged backwards through a hedge.
I cannot look like a photoshopped model every time I go out !!

For those (females especially) who doubt their attractiveness can I suggest that you go on the internet and find the ''''beauties'''' without the photoshop pictures '''' and without 24 hours of carefull make up in a beauty session.
You wuld be surprised at the cellulite displayed on beaches or the pot bellies of the stars.

Its confidence in yourself that makes you attractive and its that confidence that is hard to regan.

  • Tamarin
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11 Dec 14 #451391 by Tamarin
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I know this thread is a little old now, but I saw it and read through all your posts. I just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone for sharing their thoughts, their experiences and, well... something of themselves. It helps me a lot. Thank you.

I am only 3 weeks in and to say I feel wretched would be a huge understatement. I relate to the person who said they didn''t know that emotional hurt could actually physically hurt. It is the most awful experience of my life and I wouldn''t wish it on my worst enemy (not that I have any enemies - well, maybe one now!)

So, I''m up and down, cry sometimes and at other times feel ok. A bit numb. Very alone and frightened. Very ''wronged''. Confused.

Like the original poster, I have done what I can to talk and talk and talk. Friends have been kind, but to be honest I don''t have many. I am the sort of guy who would say that as long as my life at home was ok, I could go out and ''conquer the world'' with my work. And so I did. Except that now my home life is screwed and I feel very, very, very alone. Reading the comments on this site helps so much on that front I can only thank everyone on here. It helps me feel less alone and it also shows me that there are other good people out there. I haven''t suffered from those feelings of negativity that I am not a worthy person or not attractive and such like. I know that I''m not a bad person. Heck, I''ll have done the odd bad thing in my life, but for sure that doesn''t make me a bad person. Though my wife who wants this divorce gives the impression that she hates me. I find that really difficult. Especially because she refuses to talk about any of it. That makes me feel like she doesn''t think I''m even worth the effort of being a little uncomfortable to have some talks. So I guess I feel ugly in a different way.

I feel like I want to wrap all of you up in my arms and give you a hug. To the people who are worried about looks, I beg you not to think that way. I can tell just from reading your words that you are beautiful people. And who wants a partner who is just focused on looks? How shallow! Yes, there has to be some attraction, but that is more than skin deep. And I bet there are not many people on here who, right now, feel attracted to their ex-partners.

Can I ask where you get details of these divorce groups? Or any other group I can go to where there will be good people who are ''people people'' and will help to make me feel less alone.

I saw the comments about drinking and of course that isn''t the answer. I didn''t touch a drop once the bombshell hit. There be dragons and all that! On the upside, I have lost about 10Kg of weight, but my appetite is coming back.

I will get hold of a copy of that book and try to stay away from films that bring the tears. I was with you there when I read about you seeing Mamma Mia. I watched a film called Life is Beautiful about a month ago and I was in pieces. That was before she said to split up. I watched it on my own whilst my wife was in another room. Looking back, I wonder if I knew, deep down inside me, that things were broken.

That brings me to a big question. I wonder how many of us, when we look back after the terrible day that it all came out, can see so many warning signs that things were not right? I know I can. It''s scary! I realise now that I had been walking on eggshells for a long time. But when I was worried before, I used to tell my wife my concerns. To me, that was part of marriage. Sharing everything and such like. Being honest about feelings. All the things that many women say that men can''t (or won''t) do. Communicating with your soul mate. Except that she wasn''t my soul mate. In our case, it would probably make you laugh to see how the sex roles can be reversed. I''m the talker, a big softie who loves people and ''human''-related stuff. She''s the type who doesn''t like to talk about things and made me feel stupid for wanting to go to things like meditation classes etc. Or for reading the sort of books that can help you improve yourself. For talking with strangers and genuinely taking an interest in others.

So whilst I tried to talk and communicate, telling her that I wanted to talk through why we didn''t seem as close or affectionate as we used to be, her head was already in a very different place.

She was thinking lots of negative thoughts for a long, long time. But said nothing, even when I asked if all was ok. In fact, she went the extra mile to tell me that things were good, nothing wrong, don''t be daft, we''re going to grow old together etc. Of course, she was telling me what I wanted to hear I suppose and I happily bounded along with her reassurance. She told me afterwards that she was hoping she could ''fix'' the marriage herself. Honestly, I''m not sure how that works. It implies trying to control another person, which I''m scratching my head about.

We had a miscarriage a while back and after that were sad for a long time. That''s only natural. I went to see a Relate counsellor last week and they asked me if we had talked about that incident. It made me realise that yes, we had talked about it, but not as much as I would have liked. My wife just closed up and I tried to reassure her as best I could. What with that and IVF failing this summer, I guess it''s not so surprising that we felt beaten. Actually, the IVF stuff hurts me a lot, because she was feeling the marriage was broken even before then, but never said anything. I never understand how people could think that having a baby could fix things. I bet there isn''t one example of that, ever! But it does feel like the ultimate lie, to go through all that whilst knowing that you don''t intend to stay with the man.

For me, I think most of the shock has died down. I''m still massively sad that she never said anything and I really can''t relate to how she could switch from saying "All is fine" to such vicious negativity within 48 hours or so. I wouldn''t mind, but there hasn''t been one single argument, no anger, nothing. But she is angry as hell, it is not difficult to see.

So, my shock has died down and I feel sort of numb to it all. Really wrung out. I''m going through the motions and doing anything I can to try to keep busy and stay upbeat. Divorce is so horrible that there should be a health warning on marriage. It seems to me to be a very dangerous thing indeed. And I hate that this experience will make me more ''closed'' as a person when new people come into my life. That is just not me. I''m usually happy, optimistic, glass half full and all that. I like to trust people but now that seems impossible. Actually, I''m more sad that I can no longer trust my own judgement on women. I thought she was ''the one'' but I got it so so wrong. I know that my confidence will come back. But my goodness it is hard. I am so frightened of the future. She could leave me with nothing financially. That''s an injustice, especially for such a short marriage, but I can live with that. I''ll pick myself up and start again. I was born with nothing after all. More scary is that we have a young child. The damage that can be done there is terrible and I am so frightened for both him and me. I cannot, no matter, how much I think it through, understand why a parent would not want their child to enjoy the love of both parents. I''ve seen it before in society when one parent uses a child against the other. It is just so very, very sad. I certainly never imagined that it would happen to me. So maybe my shock hasn''t gone as much as I thought it had.

Sorry for such a long text growing. I didn''t mean to spill it all out like that. It confirms what others say about writing down your thoughts. It does seems to help.

Hugs to all.

  • polar
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11 Dec 14 #451398 by polar
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It does good to write it all down. As you say once you could take on the world but now..........

Again as you say you were walking on eggshells which many of us can relate to. Maybe not every step but there was definitely something in the background that we all missed.

In time you will see that you missed all the signals. We all did. That however does not mean it was our fault yep we constantly blame ourselves when in fact it as them that had a screw loose.

Its ot your fault !! At the very worst its just that you grew apart or were incompatable in the first place. Thats where our real mistake was and it is only one. Choosing the wrong person.

  • killbill
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12 Dec 14 #451460 by killbill
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Interesting what has been said.
They make any excuse as to why it''s our fault, but none of it is true, and often if it''s to do with ''looks'' we know that''s not true because look at all the beautiful celebrities that still get cheated on?
It really is down to something lacking deep within our ex''s, and when we say we chose the wrong person, yes we did, but remember that at the time when we met them they turned on the charm and were lovely, so it was only after a period of time they showed their true colours because if they had been their true selves at the beginning they would never have had relationships in the first place.
We must remember this. We are not bad judges of character, how can we be when they are putting on that show to hook us in? After all you can only go on how people act towards you.
They are masters and mistresses of deception, an act that they have down pat, until they have emotionally sucked all they want from you, then move on to someone else.
They compartmentalise their lives, so they can go from one to another relationship without truly investing in any, just to get their ''fix'' of what they want. They are just self indulgent children really that never have any adult deep feelings within themselves.
It is NOT us that are to blame, and once we realise this it helps towards the road to recovery I think.

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