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12 Dec 14 #451462 by polar
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YES KB
Its funny that if we buy a house we do a survey and check out the area. If we buy a car we do HPI checks and other things. If we take a holiday we look at reviews. If we buy large electrical appliances we check reviews.
And so on it goes !!

It seems that relationships start because we find someone who is the best option at the time.

Did we do the background checks. Did we listen to friends who said don''t touch them with a bargepole. NOPE.

Then when it goes wrong its all their fault.
Well yes it probably is. I know my x hid her past which surfaced later on and somehow I was the brunt of her anger against others. (Yes it is documented)

So why do they take it out on us. What did we do to deserve it.

Knowing what I know now the others are welcome to her. If they want to be treated like I was god help them. Maybe thats why she hasn''t formed a proper relationship in 7 years and kicks around with a desperate little boy of 55 who still lives with mummy.

But its all my fault !! Yep mine !! Why? Because I did not look at the background and question why she wanted to get married.

But this is away from the thread.
Why cannot we see that the person who made a mess of our lives is bad ? Because we wear these rose coloured specs which stop us seeing the real them. Couple that with us being landed in the mire and wasted years we fear the future.

But the future has a way of sorting itself out if you can find a way. And we all survive !!

  • killbill
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12 Dec 14 #451463 by killbill
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Well I think the thing is Polar, we are dealing with emotions, not commodities, so when we are treated well to begin with that''s what we go on. It''s only after years, that we find we are the ones doing more and more compromising in the relationship, and then we make the excuses for them as to why they act a certain way, and then we just think that maybe this is as good as it gets etc. etc.
Our mentality is that we married, and know marriage takes two to work together at it, but over the years we are led to believe that in some way we haven''t met their needs and are the ones in the wrong, when in fact we have remained loyal, haven''t cheated but been made to feel the marriage has failed due to something we have or haven''t done.

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12 Dec 14 #451464 by polar
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Yes KB we are dealing with emotions but basically humans are a commodity as well !! Maybe we don''t look at them as such but employers do !! They look at the person able to do the job required and not the outward shell and seek references before employing.
It is where we go wrong !! We are attracted to the outward shell which of course is on its best behaviour when in the initial stages of the honeymoon period.
Our society has become throwaway. Phones that are perfectly good traded in. Cars that are still good traded in. AND humans that you treat well just trade you in for another model.
So what was wrong with me ? I did everything I should have or so I thought. The issue wasn''t with me it was in the model I hooked up with which had unseen defects !!
Like a car in the showroom with the special lights showing its best qualities when in fact it has been resprayed to hide the defects.
Emotion is not just reserved for human relationships. Even on here we read its ''''my grandmothers house'''' and lots of people give their cars nicknames !!

I am not saying that relationships should boil down to 2 commodities getting together . I am saying that somehow we miss the inner defects when selecting a partner.

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12 Dec 14 #451467 by killbill
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Well, I still only partly agree..:laugh:
( Although maybe come to think of it my ex was an android)!
But when you say "we miss the hidden defects when selecting a partner"
That''s the thing, no one''s perfect, and unless you have a tick list of what you want in a partner, you accept that fact.That''s why although they are on their best behaviour etc.to start with, the same as we are ( no burping and...), we still give them the benefit of the doubt later on when the mask starts to slip. Unless of course they are truly a ''badun'' in which case we wouldn''t carry on the relationship in most cases, which most of them aren''t. Plus don''t forget even now they present their ''good'' face to the world.
I notice how a lot of them tend to do charitable deeds etc. to make them look like pillars of the community and they still have ''friends''. So we certainly aren''t the only ones to be taken in.

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12 Dec 14 #451469 by polar
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Lol you hit a real raw note !!
Yes as you say my x was a member of Rotary and doing the charitable deeds. Only problem was that she was doing charitable deeds with other members !!
Still uses my surname because it holds more sway than hers in the community. Still wears her engagement ring to appear that she is in a relationship. Moved to a very respectable village but made sure that it wasn''t a property that could be seen with various comings and goings !!

And she set up a satellite branch so she could hide her activities from the old members !! Why because they knew what she was up to !!

I agree nobody is perfect which is why I still maintain they were the best option at that time. And of course so was I !!!

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12 Dec 14 #451471 by Fiona
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I don''t think people actually change that much, rather couples tend to redefine themselves and each other. That can involve a greater or lesser degree of distortions of reality.

Couples have an illusion when in a relationship and overlook each others shortcomings . When a relationship breaks down the illusion is shattered, the shortcomings become prevalent and disillusionment or even delusion sets in.

Neither self blame or blaming the other spouse is helpful. Human nature is such a blamed spouse will naturally defend themselves and feel resentful and resistant. That only creates bitterness and heartache which in turn leads to an expensive highly conflicted divorce and increased chances of mental health problems for the adults as well as poor long term outcomes for children.

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21 Dec 14 #451991 by killbill
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I think they do change...a lot.
For example if someone becomes famous and it ''goes to their heads''. I do believe they have that in them already but I think they change because circumstances change, e.g. if they get a better job, more money, different opportunities ( online connections) etc.
It then gives them the chance to let it ''go to their heads'' and they get caught up in the ''keeping up with the Joneses'' mentality, because they are inherently people that just ''need more'', so from the start of the relationship they have with you where they re lovely to you, reciprocate your feelings etc. ( putting up the show with the mask), they suddenly DO change to people we don''t recognise at all.
Plus, don''t forget we aren''t the ones who have been lying cheats, so yes, we do have the right to blame them, at least for their very bad behaviour and dishonesty.
But, where children are involved, at least if we can preserve an adult mentality and not use children as emotional pawns, it doesn''t have to be a long term outcome for them. I do realise of course, that everyone''s relationship is different, so these are just my opinions.

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