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arghhhh

  • lolitajade
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14 Jan 15 #453725 by lolitajade
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Thank you,

Even though 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce, I still feel like a complete failure. Just wish I could talk to him so I can tell him how I feel.

Worst thing is, although he had lost all interest in seeing or talking to me, I still find it hard to cope with the idea, he probably now hates me.

He is probably feeling completely the opposite of me. I wonder if his bubble will burst one day! I do feel bad he is treating her and her kids better than his own.

I just find it so sad after 25 years ;(

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14 Jan 15 #453727 by lolitajade
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Thanks Marshy,

The January perception is great and, I am not normally a quivering mess and yes do stand up to people. It was my low mood that made me that way. My boss is female and has bipolar, five people have left over the last two years because of her but she is exceptionally articulate, charms and flirts round her bosses and male colleagues of the same age, so when her boss has been told about her nastiness, he is easily swayed by her.

I will look for internal jobs. The people who have left, internally, have given a huge sigh of relief! Meanwhile, I will stick up for myself as normal. Like you say, can''t be sacked.

The property and savings have already been sorted, so only pension, with the possibility of it stretching to now, rather than when we split.

I do need to look after no 1 and I am so pee''d off that my family don''t want to know.

:)

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14 Jan 15 #453728 by AngieP
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It is sad (23 for me) and it is very hard but all we can do once we know there is no going back is try and move forward and make the best of our own lives (easy to say, I know).

Some good sayings I have found on here which help to spur me on sometimes such as "the best revenge is a life well lived". Also coming to the realisation that energy expended wondering what they are thinking etc is wasted energy. We need to put that energy into rebuilding our own shattered lives - again, easy to say much more difficult to put in practice. As Marshy says, we are not alone. There are many of us in similar situations on this site.

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14 Jan 15 #453729 by Action
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I can''t really add to what the others have said but just wanted to add my support. Don''t be bullied by your relatives into accepting an unfair settlement. Unless they''ve been through the process themselves they''ll just not understand how difficult it all is, and how hard seeing the person you loved and cherished turn into something else.

I''m 4+ years from my split and was divorced a couple of years ago. I''m not sure I''ll every truly get over it (I was married for 31 years) but I have rebuilt my life and my friends and family say I seem happier than I have done for years. I''m still not quite at the ''indifferent'' stage as the ex does manage to wind me up even now - having children together, even though they are grown ups, means I can''t get him completely out of my life.

Definitely go to see your GP. I found counselling really helped and I did take ADs for a couple of years too - not right for everyone but might be worth considering.

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14 Jan 15 #453730 by Vastra1
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Your boss sounds very painful! My friend has a similar situation and has found keeping email evidence is the best if possible. You''d think management must realise there is a problem with the staff turnover, but perhaps they are charmed by her flirting as you say.
Regardless of what you decide with your job, I like your idea of getting back to the gym which will help with your mood and stress levels.
But I want to discourage you from giving in to the urge to talk to your husband - he is not the man you married and you may end up totally crushed by his lack of interest or support. Please if you need a friend talk to anyone else including wikis here, but don''t contact him, it just doesn''t help.
Last thing, I don''t think being officially divorced makes anything significantly different. I felt a bit sad and relieved it was all over when I got the official paperwork, but most of my progress has come with time and help from others rather than any legal formalities.

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14 Jan 15 #453750 by Marshy_
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lolitajade wrote:

I do need to look after no 1 and I am so pee''d off that my family don''t want to know.


You can choose your friends but you cant chose your family. So they say. They will come round. Blood is thicker than water.

My ex''s family turned their back on me. Even though I was the one that was wronged. Hey ho there loss. But it did nark me (at the time) that they didnt even lift one little finger to help. Families hay?

I know it seems like a big loss you investing 25 years and for what? I get it totally. But you lived those 25 years. You had good times and bad times. One day you will be able to look back on those times and smile. Thats what I do. My time with my ex is complete now. Like a set of old dusty books. I can get them out and look at them. But its in the past now. I leave them on the shelf. The now and next is where its at. I cant live in the past. What is done is done. Its over with. I know it hurts that he wont have anything to do with you but its for the best. It would only cause you pain. And you need to wash him out of your life. And you wouldnt be able to do that if he was in it. But you were friends once I get that. One day he will fall into the same slot as all the old friends you had at school maybe. People you used to know but wouldnt recognise now.

As for bubbles bursting.. Nothing is forever. Life is constant change. It has its ups and downs. So bubbles form and then they burst. In unexpected ways. Thats life following its own agenda. You think you got life licked. Think again. It often hands you a cream doughnut with a hand grenade inside.... But the trick is to take the change and roll with it. Everytime there is a life change, you get another set of cards. Use them to good effect as you dont know what set you will get next time.

He is gone now. I know its tough but try and look towards the future. Looking over your shoulder means that you will bump into a lampost one day. Not good..

But often things happen for a reason. At the time they seem wrong. But in time we realise why something happened. I was meant to be this way. What happened to me was a good thing in the end. It all worked out well. Now I am at peace and for the last 5 or more years I have been happy. I never really had that before and in totality its 9 years now since I been gone. How she is getting on now I have no idea. I dont actually care. One day this will be you.

Marshy.

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14 Jan 15 #453760 by lolitajade
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Thank you,

That quote is good and yes, came to realise when he found someone else 3.5 years ago. It was a waste of time trying to figure anything out. So I am guilty of doing that now.

Some days I am positive about my future and think about adventures etc. Others I wallow in all the emotions I have posted about, After 4.5 years, you would have thought I would have got used to the fact, the relationship is long gone. I read all the you tube stuff but I can''t help thinking about the past and how great it was some of the time.

23 years is a long time also. Some people are strong and positive about wanting to break up. I am one of life''s soppy cases I think.

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