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Time Frame to Healing

  • bulldog
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08 Feb 15 #455689 by bulldog
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Thanks Angie. I just seem to have been thrown back to the beginning again, obsessing over them. I know it''s not rational especially as me and him were over. Me and her were inseparable. We ate at each other''s houses at least twice a week. I''m having horrible thoughts like when them 2 first slept together did I then cook her dinner the next day?? I feel such a fool and so worthless. Bet they were having a right old laugh at my expense. As some of you know our kids wouldn''t speak to him so my energies went into getting their relationship back on track with their dad, which it is. So following on from Declan''s original post I am only just starting my own journey to heal myself. Not for my marriage but the horrendous betrayal of my best friend.
Sorry to hijack your post Declan.
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08 Feb 15 #455696 by Shoegirl
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bulldog wrote:

I seem to have gone the opposite way around. I wanted my divorce to happen due to his gambling . Our marriage was over though he always wanted to give it another try and said he still loved me even after the divorce. What I didn''t expect to happen was 6 months after our divorce from a 23 year marriage, he started living with my best friend of 20 years. I am still reeling from that even though I found out nearly 7 months ago. I can''t get over their betrayal , her more than him. I am starting some counselling on Tuesday because I really thought I was getting to grips with it all but my current low mood Is telling me I''m not. Grief from betrayal in my case has come from losing my best friend and now the 2 people that I trusted most in the world apart from blood family are together. God it hurts so bad!!
Bulldog


I''m so glad to hear you are getting support Bulldog. A double betrayal. This has happened to you twice. Your husband and your friend weren''t who you thought they were.

Yes they are together and that is painful. However, what helped me was realising that people being together often doesn''t mean very much in a true sense. My ex had compulsive behaviour issues too. So we may have shared the same space, we may have been together in the eyes of the world but in the ways it really counts, emotional connection, support of each other, commitment, truth and honesty, well it was an utter sham.

My ex will be the same no matter who he is with. Wherever he goes there he is. His behaviours were to do with him, not who he was with. Our marriage continued because I was too tolerant, because I had very low expectations, it was about him, not me and my needs.

So in the same way your ex is who he is. He''s a gambler and everything that goes with that. Your ex friend has shown that at best she is naive at worst downright manipulative having heard first hand what your ex is like and going there anyway despite your feelings. She''s one of those breed of women who clearly believes she can change her man and friends are just there to help her access men. Good luck with that love, this place is littered with women (and men) who had the same "I can change them" thoughts as they entered into long term relationships with unsuitable flawed partners.

It won''t last Bulldog. And even if their codependency means this gets strung out for a good few years yet, you know what she has let herself in for. I know nothing I have said makes the betrayal feel any better. But know as you are curled up in your own armchair tonight in your own home and free from all that, you know what drove you to leave. She has that all to come but worse as the one thing I learned from living with my own situation with my ex that their complusive behaviour gets worse.

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08 Feb 15 #455699 by bulldog
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Wow Shoegirl!!! That has really hit home. I think the last time I felt as low as this was when we were going through the divorce but still living in the same house. That was almost unbearable. So now I''ve just thought" why are you feeling as low again when you''ve got rid of him??" You''re right!! He won''t change no matter who he''s with . He''s her problem now. She knew everything about him and still took him on . I suppose it just hurts that she chose him over me and gave our friendship no regard at all.
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08 Feb 15 #455700 by Shoegirl
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bulldog wrote:

Thanks Angie. I just seem to have been thrown back to the beginning again, obsessing over them. I know it''s not rational especially as me and him were over. Me and her were inseparable. We ate at each other''s houses at least twice a week. I''m having horrible thoughts like when them 2 first slept together did I then cook her dinner the next day?? I feel such a fool and so worthless. Bet they were having a right old laugh at my expense. As some of you know our kids wouldn''t speak to him so my energies went into getting their relationship back on track with their dad, which it is. So following on from Declan''s original post I am only just starting my own journey to heal myself. Not for my marriage but the horrendous betrayal of my best friend.
Sorry to hijack your post Declan.
Bulldog


Gosh, I don''t know if my comment will help or not. I''m going to say it anyway. I don''t think they will be thinking about you at all. People like that tend not to think about anyone but themselves.

Anyway what is their to laugh at. They have disgraced themselves, him with his conduct in the marriage and her knowing your ongoing distress going there with your ex anyway.

They won''t think about it because thinking about it means they will have to acknowledge underlying shame. Doing this is painful for them so they avoid it. Wherever they are there will be a giant elephant in the room that no one ever acknowledges. Ever been with people like that? It''s exhausting.

My ex''s family were like that. Severe problems in the family, really dysfunctional behaviour episodes from lots of family members but they would chat about the people at the golf club or someone who had just got
a new car. Never mind the fact that your son has just told you about a double life. Change the subject, anything to avoid dealing with it.

It''s not real what they share bulldog. Not in the slightest. Leave them to their elephant in the room existence as sure as eggs they''ll keep tripping over the very things they are trying to ignore every day of their life.

They have chosen to share their existence. It isn''t a relationship. You have to be emotionally available to have a relationship. Neither of them are because if your friend shared true emotional connections with people she would have never done what she did to you.

Plenty of people choose to share an existence and call it a marriage or a relationship. You want better for yourself. Good for you. Now you have every chance of finding that for yourself without these people in your life.

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08 Feb 15 #455707 by lqt42v
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Oh my goodness, I sincerely the time frame for healing is not 1 year for every month, at that rate I have another 38 to go, what a nightmare of a thought? I am pinning my hopes on the fact that once mediation is over and I can divorce the snake that I will emerge out of the water that I am drowning myself in. Yes, I do think I am my own worse enemy when I occasionally dwell on my plight, but the sun is shining today and I feel comfortable with myself.

I have also learnt to "see the wood for the trees" - it''s over, the shock of it all was beyond description, but I have accepted things for what they are - the marriage is dead. Not of my choosing although I suppose I must have played a part in its demise, albeit unwittingly. That part of it I will never know although the not knowing hurts and bewilders me.

kind regards, 49 years down the drainxx

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08 Feb 15 #455780 by Declan
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Hmmmmm
So many interesting thoughts abound on here now .
I guess , that it takes as long as it takes me to accept life as it is and be the person that I am meant to be .
As for Valentine''s Day Pft chicken feed compared to Christmas . However I do get the point .

D x

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09 Feb 15 #455794 by Marshy_
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Agree with everything said here. Also Shoes has it spot on. If I can add something.....

What I think we do is we learn to cope. Its the same for all victims of trauma and if you look at survivors of train wrecks, car crashes and so on you see the same. They dont actually get over it. They just learn to cope. This is the space we are in. Our marriage ending is trauma for us.

Dealing with trauma is a sure fired way of learning to cope with it. For those that never deal with it. Never develop coping mechanisms, have a risk that the effects of the trauma will come back to haunt them in the future. All it needs is another trauma and it will all come out in one go. Deal with it now and its done with. I think of it as a protruding nail in the stairs. You know its there. And if you dont whack it with a hammer, one day the nail will catch you out. When you least expect it.

Trauma is a part of life though. Its something we all have to deal with. Be it trauma in childhood or adulthood its the same. And this is why I say no one walks between the raindrops and dont get wet. Everyone will face something happening in life. Its not what happens (cos it will happen). Its how we deal with it thats important. And learning to deal with this one helps with other traumas. Its a lesson in life if you like to help you deal with life and its little surprises.

As for how long it takes. It takes as long as you want it to. When you decide enough is enough and you really want to get past it then you are on the road to your recovery mechanism.

Think positive. Dump the blame. Deal with the anger. Forgive. The only person this effects is you. Its about the now and next. But only you can decide if you stay with your sorrow and anger or work your way out of this.

So for me, the way I look at it is this: She did this to me. So what? It actually set me free. Ok it was a tough time. But hey, I am done with it. And I know I will have times which are tough. But I can beat them cos I learned how to do it. And this is you. Learn this one and the rest is easy peasy lemon squeezy.

What are you waiting for? Start today. Your clock is ticking and you wont get this time back. Marshy.

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