Yes how true . Enough is enough and yes I''m done travelling down the wrong path .
Face my past deal with it and move along . Fortunately , I have people who care enough to help me with my stuff and to move on to become whole.
And wiki , of course Eh . It''s one hell of a journey
Well you couldn''t have asked a better question. I''ve read through the replies and been struck with the wisdom in them, and for me particularly Afon''s and AngieP''s. But that 1 year for every 5 actually helped me because those around me who expected me to ''move on'' (me too hate that) would have had me playing merry divorcee rather than the heartwreck that I was, and I felt I had permission to gainsay them.
Possibly because it was said to me, I do seem to be following in that time frame. Accordingly I have a year and a bit to go. But you know when we were little and found ourselves with a mighty great scab on our knees, there comes a point when we start to pick at it. We happily pick away fascinated by the new skin growing beneath but every so often we go too far and open a bit of the deeper part of the wound. I feel a bit like that at the moment.
I have no answer to betrayal of a best friend along with a spouse, but I do know a couple of people who have experienced it. I can report that they are very happy people a great many years on, and although the shock of discovery remains a painful memory, it is seldom visited and is just a memory with no power to harm their present life.
Depression moments along the way do happen in relation to the marital split but there also comes a point when one realises that it might just be a peg to hang it on, and we are just having a hormonal moment or whatever. That realisation took a while for me but when it did I felt as though I had taken another big stride along the deliverance path.
But its your lifes journey. Each chapter prepares you for the next. Learning along the way. What you learn right now enables you to overcome adversity in the future and one of the lessons in this space is dont live in the past looking over your shoulder. Look forwards to the now and next. What is done is done. You cant change the past. Just the now and next. Marshy.
It is one hell of a journey and early days for me although I feel I have adjusted really well. A big breakthrough was a friend pointing out that I wasn''t going to be the same person ever again so I stopped waiting to feel like me again and started exploring the new me. I was lucky in that my life was great before stbx''s bombshell, I am blessed with my job, friends, family etc. and all that stayed in place - thinking of my life as a cake I was left with only a slice missing and that space has been filled relatively easily.
Another thing that has helped me move on is accepting that there were faults on my part in our marriage, I''m sad that we didn''t communicate well enough to work on those and sad that he threw away 38 years together with so little thought but many of the years together were good and given the choice I''d do them again. I can deal with sad easier than anger, I suppose I see the marriage as complete, it ran its course and I can look back and enjoy it without wishing I was still there.
Being a believer in the universe putting me where I''m supposed to be I''m eager to enjoy the next phase of my life ok it''s come as a surprise but all experience is valuable and I hope to relish it.
This is an interesting thread & after reading all the other comments I''d like to add my thoughts on the subject.
I agree that there is no set time frame for healing as we all react differently in different situations. There have been a lot of reasons already mentioned, which again I agree with, so there is no need to go over them again.
After the initial heartbreak I found anger played an important part as it helped get me through many difficult days but I don''t even feel that so much now. I''m too busy looking out for myself these days to care what my stbx is doing anymore. Nearly 18 months now & it''s getting better all the time. I just hope I can find that extra little bit of "oomph" in me to get through the divorce I''ve just started. I''m really looking forward to the day when I know this chapter in my life is closed & I can start a new one