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Time Frame to Healing

  • blondecazza
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07 Feb 15 #455635 by blondecazza
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I think it depends on the person.
Shoegirl is correct you have to work out exactly what happened within the marriage.
If the time theory was correct then I would be fully healed by now but in my situation I''m better then I was 4 years ago but definitely not fully healed.
We all have expectations that when we have that Absolute it''s going to be fantastic but it''s only the start of things.
Be kind to yourself.x

  • afonleas
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07 Feb 15 #455642 by afonleas
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And I stand by my words.
"It does take as long as it takes"
Nobody knows my story unless they have walked in my shoes,and I was wearing them,so you don''t know it.Just as I don''t know anyone else''s.
And I also think your circumstances have a massive impact on the timescale in recovery.
Our lives pre marriage,marriage and post marriage determine the people we are,and our coping mechanisms are different also..
What some people deal with,can possibly throw another entirely.
The point I am making is,
We are all individuals,and that individuality belongs to us,so the breakup of a marriage may take someone 6 months,6 years or never,never mind any scientific studies,your despair belongs to you for however long you decide it does...

Xxxxxcwtchs

  • Declan
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07 Feb 15 #455650 by Declan
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Yeah

Thank you for those thoughts and contributions . Certainly food for thought there . Yes , kicking my feet around this place does not help.
Some days it feels like it''s just gonna go on and on and on .
Well , bat on I guess and try focus on the future .
And yes be kind to myself .

D

  • sherrara
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08 Feb 15 #455675 by sherrara
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hi Declan, you need to love yourself and not just be kind to yourself. there is nothing I would change about myself believe me, the fault is entirely on my ex, I can say that with total honesty. so don''t suffer and hurt yourself more, there is no reason at all why a couple if and only if both want to try and mend their marriage, given the chance, wouldn''t. we cannot control or try to control our ex partners, the same way they themselves couldn''t. that''s why this realisation should lessen the pain and help the healing. no matter what was the reason, if the will and good intentions were there from both, the marriage wouldn''t break. I personally do not want to continue living or lying with someone who does not want to live with me fullstop. let them go to hell.

  • bulldog
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08 Feb 15 #455680 by bulldog
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I seem to have gone the opposite way around. I wanted my divorce to happen due to his gambling . Our marriage was over though he always wanted to give it another try and said he still loved me even after the divorce. What I didn''t expect to happen was 6 months after our divorce from a 23 year marriage, he started living with my best friend of 20 years. I am still reeling from that even though I found out nearly 7 months ago. I can''t get over their betrayal , her more than him. I am starting some counselling on Tuesday because I really thought I was getting to grips with it all but my current low mood Is telling me I''m not. Grief from betrayal in my case has come from losing my best friend and now the 2 people that I trusted most in the world apart from blood family are together. God it hurts so bad!!
Bulldog

  • AngieP
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08 Feb 15 #455683 by AngieP
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So difficult for you Bulldog. Even though we know the marriage is over and it has to end, for whatever reason, it still takes time to heal and redefine ourselves as individuals rather than as part of a couple and to have what has happened to you must seem like a double whammy.

I hope the counselling helps. Knowing you I believe you have a wonderful future ahead of you.

Best Wishes x

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08 Feb 15 #455688 by Shoegirl
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sherrara wrote:

hi Declan, you need to love yourself and not just be kind to yourself. there is nothing I would change about myself believe me, the fault is entirely on my ex, I can say that with total honesty. so don''t suffer and hurt yourself more, there is no reason at all why a couple if and only if both want to try and mend their marriage, given the chance, wouldn''t. we cannot control or try to control our ex partners, the same way they themselves couldn''t. that''s why this realisation should lessen the pain and help the healing. no matter what was the reason, if the will and good intentions were there from both, the marriage wouldn''t break. I personally do not want to continue living or lying with someone who does not want to live with me fullstop. let them go to hell.


It''s still very early for you. You have a right to be angry, you have been betrayed, lied to and cheated upon. It happened to me too. I''ve been told here often both implicitly and explicitly that it was "different" for me because I was "only" with my ex for 13 years overall and married for half that time. So I''ll point that out before someone else does and get that out of the way.

However, to Afons point, no one else has walked in anyone else''s shoes . During those 13 years my savings were stolen, my ex had a double life which was a total shock to me and I was repeatedly lied to, manipulated and my self esteem was so crushed that by the time he left, I was diagnosed with severe depression, unemployed and at potentially risk of losing my house. I was out of my mind after living with his lies, abuse and manipulation for all those years.

So, I do have some concept of what it is like to have your life destroyed and in tatters. The it''s different for you" mindset really
didn''t help. Whenever and however the separation tsunami comes into your life, it is devastating.

You can go about the business of coming to terms with it in whichever way works for you. Yep utter anger at being his victim worked for me for a while too. Kept me away from him for a start which in the beginning is the best thing you can do for your own sanity.

Problem is staying there feeling that I was perfect and he was scum kept
me angry and after a while that anger turns inwards and the questions remained. So I listened to a very small number of people in my life who were agreeing with me totally that I had every right to be angry but the turning point for me was this question

"What was it about me that meant I ended up with someone like that?"

At first I found any question that I was at fault or to blame in any way completely abhorrent. That question is beyond who is to blame, who is at fault and led me down a path of true understanding about me, my ex and why our relationship ended up with me being so badly hurt. One I understood, I could see my marriage for what it really was. Very painful but liberating.

I didn''t do it alone. I had counselling and help from many friends. Family tried but unless you have trodden the divorce path it''s hard to understand it.

So for now be angry and use that energy wisely. I implore you though to spot the time in your own journey where the anger is starting to become debilitating and that''s the time to really think about working towards developing understanding of you, what happened and how you want your life to be.

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