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Very stressed about the future

  • Dgth4
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16 Feb 15 #456238 by Dgth4
Topic started by Dgth4
Hi all

After 3 years of separation, my divorce is well underway – with a collaborative ex-husband.
We are in complete agreement on the division of assets so it is all very amicable and we are about to submit our Consent Order to the court.
Hopefully, the Absolute will be done by April.
However, it doesn''t change the fact that my future (and by extension, my daughter’s) is a bit uncertain.

The only certain point is that the former family home (which I still occupied) is going to be sold between May and July this year.
I will have some savings and, thanks to a good job, I can pay a rental property on my own in the same area for my daughter to continue to go to the same school.
It will also allow her to carry on with the split custody we have in place with her dad.

I also have been seeing someone for the last couple of years, but I have decided that we are not ready to move in together (especially since he is in the middle of a divorce himself and neither of us can move closer to the other for the moment due to custody arrangement). This is quite a sad situation for me but I have come to accept that it will be that way for the time being. (I could go on and on about this relationship and how complicated and difficult/painful it is sometimes)

I am spending lots of time getting the house ready for the sale (decluttering, selling furniture, redecorating and putting finishing touches) and it is quite a big task to tackle on my own. But I am getting there.

But my main issue is that I am very anxious about where I will be in couple of months.
It is too earlier to start really looking for a rental property but I had a look and I should be fine to find something that I can afford in my current area.

So, on paper, it is all fine and planned.
But all of this is very stressful for me. I cannot just stop worrying about “the future”.
I have trouble sleeping, I have big mood swings and can go from being elevated/energetic to teary/depressed in a couple of hours. It is affecting my current relationship, my relationship with my daughter and my work.

It is ridiculous and I have done all the things I could be doing at this stage – but until I am in a new place, all settled, I don’t think I will be able to relax.
And even then, I am not sure I will be really happy. I don’t like the idea of going by on the rental market and I don’t like the idea of moving my daughter house multiple times in a couple of years.
I know we will be fine and I am a very resourceful person - but the anxiety and uncertainty are killing me.

I don’t know if any of you had similar situation with “a dead line” coming for selling/moving house and if you have any tips to make this waiting game more bearable?
Or any ideas on how to make this whole process more “enjoyable”?

Many thanks for reading. All the best to all of you.

  • NotasStressedDad
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16 Feb 15 #456270 by NotasStressedDad
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Not to sure how you can make it enjoyable but I guess you could see it as steps you need to work through to get to the place you want to be at. You could make a plan on paper which at least gets it all out of your head. The anxiety you feel comes from the uncertainty and as your situation becomes more certain and you adjust your anxiety will probably come down.

If you are having trouble sleeping would recommend good exercise if you can manage it (will also dull the anxiety), hot baths and meditation at night as this helps to clear the brain. Sounds like you are doing well moving forwards so try and just keep concentrating on the tasks you need to do and make some time where you can have some downtime too. Could you involve your daughter in the move to help make it feel more like an exciting new step for your both?

Hope some of that helpful. ()

  • Declan
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17 Feb 15 #456338 by Declan
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Hi
Emotions bouncing you around Eh . All to be expected given the circumstances. Just nature at work . I concur re above and meditation .
Quiet the mind . Be aware of the feelings let them come and be with them . They go away .
Maybe question why it''s there . A lot to do with our thoughts .
I''m off to a concert tonight so I feel excited . I feel it and enjoy it I want keep that feeling . It will go . Same as the unpleasant ones don''t try hide it stuff them away or go off running around trying to make it go away . Only come back later more intense .

Good Luck
Warm thoughts
D

  • AngieP
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18 Feb 15 #456352 by AngieP
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Hi

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I also feel very uncertain about going into the rental market but know it has to be done in order to give me time and space to find a new permanent home. Also having sleepless nights although I know lying awake worrying serves no purpose. For me it is so difficult to leave the FMH, neighbours and an area I know and feel comfortable and I think my biggest fear, along with the financial aspect is not feeling comfortable where I move, which along with all the other turmoil would, I think, prove too much. Currently in the position of having sold house and in a panic trying to find suitable rental property in time. Made more difficult by the fact I really don''t want to be doing this and realise I have been avoiding the inevitable.

The fact is none of us know what the future holds and when our lives are changing so much it is difficult to imagine how things will turn out. Knowing the next few months are not going to be easy I have gone back to getting through a day at a time and just trying to deal with things as they arise, good or bad.

It sounds as if you have a lot of positives in your life and focusing on those when you feel anxious will help.

Best Wishes

  • sherrara
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18 Feb 15 #456355 by sherrara
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dear angieP, as you have in the past couple of weeks helped me I feel I ought to return the kind favour. re moving, you know the way I see it and from personal point of view, I simply cannot wait to move from the FMH to somewhere new, somewhere I can put the memories of HIM so far behind, where I would reconnect with the person I was years and years ago before I met and married stbx. it would be such a relief a huge relief. you see I cannot help but relate this room and that chair to him, this is where he sat where he slept, I even hear his movement still in my head. although none of his stuff is left in the fmh but in my head its still there. I am haunted by all of this and pray the day I move although this is the home where I raised my children, but alas, I need to be free of this torture no matter how hard I try to ignore, the remenant of our life exist in this FMH. I love my house and my garden too, and my neighbours and location but the pain is too much. a new place will be mine and mine alone where I hang my beautiful things and throw the rubbish out. big hugs to you x

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18 Feb 15 #456359 by AngieP
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Hi Sherrara - and sorry to have hijacked your post Dgth4!

Way I feel at the moment find it impossible to think I could have helped anyone but that is the beauty of this site, being able to express how you honestly feel and sometimes even unknowingly help others. Just realising that others have had the same feelings make you feel less alone in difficult times and of course hearing other people''s point of view. Your positivity is infectious Sherrara and you, in turn have given me a bit of a jolt today, reminding me to do what I know I should do and try and focus on positives. Just seems difficult to find any at times but know there are always some there.

  • Marshy_
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18 Feb 15 #456370 by Marshy_
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Dgth4 wrote:

I don’t know if any of you had similar situation with “a dead line” coming for selling/moving house and if you have any tips to make this waiting game more bearable?
Or any ideas on how to make this whole process more “enjoyable”?


Not going to bore you with my situation and what happened to me. Suffice to say that it was similar to yours. I also was scared of what would happen to me. I was technically homeless at one point. And was one argument away from a shop doorway with some cardboard as a mattress. But..... We worry cos we are not understanding. We have no experience of dealing with these issues. But reality is... That what you worry about often doesn''t happen.

As for bearable. Its not bearable its something you have to bear up to for a while. What I did was keep my eye on the prize. That prize was having my own place. Somewhere that I am not going to be attacked or abused in any way shape or form. A front door I can shut and lock the world out if I want to. A place I could feel safe. That was my prize. I recommend you have a similar prize and focus on that.

So consider this. You have an income. You can walk and talk and clearly your not daft. So you will be OK. Its the unknown that we are actually scared off. Also the thought that we are flying solo whereas we have done this before as two. Now its a one.

On the subject of flying solo and doing this for ourselves... I realised that I had always done this on my own. Even when I was with someone I had to shoulder the burden of all of this. So in reality, I didnt have a partner in crime and a wing man (woman) I actually had a hanger on. So its actually easier when you only have yourself to please.


Where I ended up was in rented accom. OK its private. But I have a good landlord and he has a massive portfolio of properties and the flat I live in is for long term renters like me. Thats where you want to be aiming for. Give yourself at least a few years in your new place to settle down. Work out the next steps and go from there. Thats what I did. And you know what? Where I am is just fine for me. So I am here for good now. Marshy.

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