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I was doing ok - and then OW contacted me

  • Methu
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18 Mar 15 #458225 by Methu
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I haven’t been here for a while. It’s been 18 months since my old life fell apart, and I thought I was starting to do ok. Got a new job, brought a house, started to meet new people. The pain was still there, but I was managing it. I had stopped digging. And then out of the blue, I get a message from a woman. She says she’s been seeing my stbx for a few months, but wants to check that there’s nothing going on between me and him. Apparently she’s found correspondence between the two of us that he didn’t tell her about, so has grown suspicious. And just like that, my recovery is flung 18 months back in time.

Other than correspondence about our dog, and divorce, there had been no contact between me and him. He has recently moved to the other side of the world, which I hoped might help me move on, a fresh start. Obviously you realise that they will be seeing other people, etc…, but deep down, a small part of you, I guess, hopes that they’re sat at home, wallowing in what they did, regretting ruining their marriage. This message from this OW has just brought it to the forefront of my mind, made me realise that he hasn’t been doing that at all, that he’s well and truly moved on. Yes, he’s chosen a complete nut job, who doesn’t trust him and has the nerve to contact me directly and throw me completely off course (I won’t post the contents of the message on here, but let’s just say that every single line was a well concealed dig). I didn’t respond to her. I didn’t want to lower myself to her level. But I was saddened, angry, confused, all at once. Apparently she told him what she had done, and he messaged me straight away to apologise, to say that she shouldn''t have done it, and that he''d always try to protect me from that kind of thing. But the damage had already been done, by that point.

The whole thing has just been on my mind ever since. I’ve been pain shopping, have seen pictures of them online, pictures of her. A little part of me dying inside, every time I did. I’ve now blocked them both so that I can’t go looking for them, as the pain shopping brings me nothing but more hurt, like we all know it does, and yet sometimes we still can’t help ourselves.

I just feel like I’ve taken an enormous step back. I was doing OK, but now I can’t stop thinking about them both, they are constantly there in my mind. I dream about them at night and then wake up, not wanting to fall back asleep again. They’re in everything I think and see and I just don’t know what to do. I imagine what they’re doing, the way he speaks to her and the way he holds her. The way he used to talk to me and hold me. Like I said, I knew of course that he''s been dating other people. But to have it confirmed, so directly, and by the woman he is dating, was a real kick in the gut.

At times, I feel angry. Angry that he’s the one who’s finding happiness, despite the hell that he put me through. I’m a long way from being able to trust anyone, never mind engaging in a proper relationship. And yet he’s able to do it, despite the lies and the pain he caused. But mainly, it’s just sadness, like the sadness I felt when it all first fell apart, 18 months ago. I was doing ok. And now I’m not.

I literally have no one to speak to about it, because I don’t think anyone would understand, hence why I write the words on here, as I know you guys will understand. I''m sorry for rambling on, guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I just feel like it’s happened all over again, I feel bereft and absolutely gutted.

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18 Mar 15 #458230 by Action
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So sorry to read your post. I don''t have any magic answers but I understand your every word. 18 months is not a long time. I still go ''pain shopping'' even though it''s been 4.5 years and I despise the man that my ex husband became and want no part of him in my life - there are still little things that trigger my mood - like yesterday, I stumbled across a beautiful silver bracelet that my ex bought me just two months before we split, on our last holiday together. I hate the man but I can''t help but think about what might have been and feeling sad for the dramatic end of a 31 year marriage.

You have been the better person by not responding to the woman''s letter - what a crazy thing to do - she must have some pretty serious issues herself to even want to contact you.

Yes, it is a step back, but it''s a ''blip'' and you will brush yourself down and get back on track - you''ll not go back to where you were 18 months ago.

I''m sure you must have mixed feelings about your ex saying he would protect you. It''s an odd thing to say when he''s no longer part of your life. My ex ''moved on'' very quickly too - a string of internet dating conquests, bragging to his friends and my sons about all these women falling at his feet. I think he''s in a fairly settled relationship now. It took me a lot longer to start dating and I knew I was just not ready for the first 2-3 years. It really is best to wait until you feel ready. Judging by the letter you received it doesn''t sound as if your ex is in an absolutely wonderfully stable relationship in any case.

There will be so many people on here that empathise and understand how you feel - you are not alone and I hope that the support from all these lovely wiki peeps will help you to start feeling better again.

Big hugs. x

  • Marshy_
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18 Mar 15 #458231 by Marshy_
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Hi Methu. So this is something you have never faced before and when you are. It hits you like a train. Its a bit like the pain shopping you did. That hurt I bet.

Is it good this has happened or not? I think its good. Its hurt for sure. But its made you face that your ex, like you is trying to get on with his life. And this has brought it all to a head. Thats why I think its good.

But what will happen? You have done well. You have learned to cope with what you had to deal with. This is just a new thing you need to cope with. Thats all. The pain and sorrow will be there for a short while. But I bet you my Marshy pound to your shiny penny that in a week or two, this will be behind you.

On the subject of moving on (oh how I hate that word). We are all roughly the same. Except of those born with no empathy towards others. Those that have conditions that cannot feel or express empathy are excluded from what I am about to say. As I said. We are roughly the same. We all take time to get over stuff. We pretend we are doing well and we slap a face on and post it on FaceBook or wherever. Just cos someone is smiling, does not mean that person is not crying inside. It would take a very special person indeed that felt nothing. He will be hurting like you are and he knows what affect this women would have on you. Thats why he contacted you.

But is she a nut job or someone that has been hurt? I suspect that she has been hurt in the past by someone that has cheated on her. And she wants to check that he is not cheating on her. She shouldnt have contacted you. She should have just ditched him if she found something that indicated he was cheating. Or had not fully disclosed. I know this sounds harsh. But when someone has cheated on you. You dont want to go back there.

In the future. There may be more revelations. You may indeed find out that he was having an affair or some other revelation. And for that you will suffer some pain. There will be some tears shed. But little by little you learn to cope. And in the end, all these things will bounce off you like rain on a ducks back.

Lastly. Before I close I want to say this about FB. Its a place where people lie. Its a place full of happy smiling people. I liken it to In the night garden. A la la land where people are happy smiling all the time. Real life isnt facebook.

So my message to you today is... Grieve for what happened before. But decide that you are going to cope with it and get on with your life. Thats it. Marshy.

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18 Mar 15 #458232 by Marshy_
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Action wrote:

My ex ''moved on'' very quickly too - a string of internet dating conquests, bragging to his friends and my sons about all these women falling at his feet.


Not everything that is shiny is gold. Not everything that is seen is real or what you think it is.

People that do this are often suffering. They go a bit nuts and do loads of on line dating and so on. Remember, words are one thing and actions are something else entirely.

Hi actions say something else though. Having women at your feet (if you believe that then I feel you are sold the lie) tells us that he is not over it. He is trying to take an antidote and doing what a lot of men do. Play the field. Does it work though? No it doesnt. I tried that. It just left me feeling empty and wondering what I was doing.

So take heart. Not everything is as it seems. We are all roughly the same in the hurt stakes and it takes a very rare person indeed that feels nothing and can just shrug it off. Odd things will set him off just like they do you. Like they do me. Like everyone that has been thru this. But little by little it gets better. Gets easier. There is only so much sorrow you can take before you learn to smile at the distant memories. Cos thats all they are. Marshy.

  • afonleas
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18 Mar 15 #458234 by afonleas
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Marshy,once again,bang on the money..

If anyone has to brag that they have people falling at their feet...A big fat juicy lie...
They are trying to justify it to the world that They are fine,did they brag when they were married? I guess not,all just a facade...
Also,flitting from person to person tells you everything!!! They are searching for the thing similar to what they had..

Methu,this woman was out of order,but you handled it correctly,but we are all guilty of pain shopping,the what if''s etc.Although something tells me his relationship is already in trouble,she is searching for answers so she has doubts????

Unfortunately it drags up feelings again for you,these you will deal with,and eventually things like this won''t hurt you,you will be stronger to cope..

I am having a sort out here,and found some stuff Twonk has left,also some of the Xmas presents he had bought me for that year,also a watch worth quite a bit of money that he had bought for our anniversary, I pondered what do I do with these...
Well I am off out later,lathered in Estee Lauder,sporting a designer gold watch.
Do I feel sad?
Not a cat in hells chance..
His credit card took the financial battering,whilst I took the emotional one..

My Facebook page is open to all,do I go pain shopping now?
No,but he does,always some comment to my daughter.

Am I bothered? Nah...

Methu sending you cwtchs hun,you done okay.
Don''t torture yourself that he is living the dream,reality is,he is not,but give yourself time and you won''t care...

Take care
Cwtchs
Afon Xxxx

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18 Mar 15 #458236 by littlegreen
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Hi Methu

I agree with all the other wise and wonderful wikis.

when I found out about the OW and his moving in with her, I felt that pain and like you I naively thought that he was alone and wouldn''t get involved with someone for ages by which time I would be healed and in a different place. Yes very naive

I didn''t go pain shopping, it would have destroyed me, I learned stuff simply because people told me stuff. Marshy is so right, you will adjust to this news and put it behind you.

I had many months of counselling and learned that my STBX was very controlling. He will have worked out in the first 20 minutes of meeting her that he could control her. Hardly any time at all had elapsed between ending us and starting a new. He has learned zilch and the words that I were given on here have been pure gold. These words helped me understand totally and now I am not affected by it. The words are simple, " wherever he goes, there he is "

I know him better now than I did when I was married to him and I know that he will not be any happier there than he was here. I know she will endure times of confusion, disorientation, loneliness and will start to feel ghost like. I am free of all of that. Any constraints that I now have are my own. I am free to just do whatever I choose, this includes what thoughts run through my head. Don''t give this stuff any more air time, change channels.

Take care and all the best to you.

LG xXx

  • Patsy39
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18 Mar 15 #458258 by Patsy39
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Oh Methu I completely empathise with everything that you have said.

There''s not much I can add to all the fantastic advice you have already been given.

But I just wanted you to know that I truly understand what you are going through and how you feel.

The same thing happened to me. I was doing great for the first few months, despite the incredible pain of divorce, I busied myself and coped better than I imagined.

Then 8 months down the line the OW contacted me. Her messages were hideous. She bragged about how amazing she was, told me really intimate details, and completely tore me apart.

It was hell for a while. I couldn''t eat, sleep, function for a few days. Like you I did the pain shopping, couldn''t get them out of my head and even dreamed about them taunting me.

You do feel like all your progress is shattered and you go through the whole cycle of shock, anger, sadness etc all over again but it is temporary. Like Marshy says maybe its a good thing. It makes it final. It makes you face the fact that you have to accept that there is no going back.

Its helped me reading this post and the replies. I struggle with the fact that my ex has ''moved on'' and is still with the OW when I, despite lots of dates and attempts at relationships, am still on my own and can''t imagine giving my heart to anyone for a long time.

But reading some of these replies has made me realise that the notion I have of my ex and the OW being blissfully happy is so untrue. He is simply not capable of being happy. He will still have the same issues, the same faults, the same lack of emotional intelligence and empathy with her that he had with me. I almost pity her.

I think the way you feel is completely natural but the pain will pass in time

I hope you feel better soon Methu.

Big hugs

Patsy x

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