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Anyone else had reaction like this?

  • MooToo
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07 Apr 15 #459333 by MooToo
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Hi All

Well it wasn''t how I planned it but I finally told my OH that the marriage was over.

Understandably he is VERY angry and is in complete denial. Even though for the last year or so things have been terrible.

My behaviour over that time towards him has been terrible and I am not proud, but I can only put it down to the deep sadness in me and his constant kindness and niceness in a bid to cover up the cracks. It made my feelings worse and the guilt even moreso.

I am being called every name under the sun and he''s throwing stuff around, thumping walls and now that I have moved into the spare room he is up and down all night and slamming doors and switching lights on/off. Chucking things on the bed I''m in, opening the door and swearing that I''m asleep (which of course I am not) deliberately leaving lights on all over the house and spilling coffee and leaving urine in the toilet, the list goes on.

I just wish he could react less angrily but then I know how much he is hurting.

We are almost finished with our renovation and were just about to put it on the market - this will now prove an issue as I know he will try to stall that :(He can''t afford to buy me out plus we owe a lot of money to family who helped us buy the house in the first instance.

I have the right choice for my and his future happiness but it''s a tough ride for sure, especially when he''s so angry like he is. Last time his anger even spread to me. I hope this time he doesn''t get that bad.

Has anyone else experienced this sort of angry reaction?

Thanks

MT

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07 Apr 15 #459346 by MrsMathsisfun
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Think what you are experiencing is pretty normal, but you shouldn''t feel unsafe. Can you put a lock on the spare bedroom door?

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08 Apr 15 #459361 by Marshy_
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MooToo wrote:

Has anyone else experienced this sort of angry reaction?


Yes and no. I am not like your ex. I was very calm about it. But it hurt like hell. Did I do things? Hell yes. But not things like your ex is doing. Stupid things all the same and some of them I am proud of but most not. But we are beside ourselves when we are told something like this. We are in denial. But soon afterwards, I was glad it came to a head. Now I am delighted it happened.

You say one thing.

I have the right choice for my and his future happiness

. That cant be right. Your not and cant be responsible for anyone''s happiness except your own. I know it sounds a bit picky that I cherry picked this out of your post but its a fundamental view that I think is wrong and I think if you pursued this with him, it will backfire on you. You are doing this for your own happiness (or lack of) and telling him that you are doing it for him is patronising. Sorry to say that to you.

But saying all the above, you had your reasons for doing this and you just have to tough it out. What I recommend is that you write down all the reasons why you did it and keep it within your grasp to pull out when the going gets tough. And it will get tough. I dont envy you. But you had to do it. No one can live a lie. You have to think of your future. But he wont love you for it. I think its safe to say that your off his xmas card list.

As for guilt. Its a useless emotion. And it holds us back from taking the tough decisions. But there is no way of ridding ourselves of it. We just have to keep reminding ourselves of it.

But a word to the wise.... Dont be too tough on him. I have been where he was and I can assure you its a pretty bad place. My ex was tough with me and nasty in the end. I felt disposed off like and old sock. Its a fine line. Being firm and fair. But its something that if you get right, you will at least walk away with the minimum of damage.

Lastly. In situations like this. I recommend counselling. Its for both of you. Either together or separately. Both of you will have issues to deal with. Him abandonment and loss. You guilt and the feeling "have I done the right thing". Both can be dealt with during talking therapy. The object of which is to limit the damage. He may not want to go. But I suggest you at least go. Remember a marriage is something that is never designed to be taken apart. Doing so is like dropping a hand grenade into a pond full of expensive fish. It generally never has a good outcome.

V lastly. I was tough on you. I added to your burden. Sorry about that. But I want in a small way to allow you to see it from the other side in the hope that I can limit the damage to you both. Fingers crossed for you. Marshy.

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08 Apr 15 #459365 by MooToo
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Hi Marshy

Don''t feel you have to apologise at all!

I haven''t gone down the route of saying I am doing it for his happiness. I perhaps didn''t explain myself very well.

I am ultimately doing it for my happiness of course, but what I meant was I will never be happy in this marriage and so in the end I would like to hope that with me being gone he will find someone that can give him what he deserves. I hope that makes sense. But you are totally right I cannot claim to make him happy by leaving.

To explain my situation a little better, this isn''t the first time we are where we are. We separated about 5 years ago but after 6 months decided to try again. The feelings that I had crept back in over the years and I know for certain that a life with him is not what I want nor could cope with. I know that sounds harsh but I have spent a long time making this decision and I know it''s right.

I am not tough on him - quite the opposite actually. The first time round I retaliated and argued back and antagonised him, this time there is no point. I am the one responsible for my decision. I am the one that has treated him badly over the past year or so and I am the one that is causing his hurt.

I take full responsibility for all of his behaviour as it is me that has put him in the situation.

I simply keep very quiet and tidy up after him! I am civil and try to be as friendly as possible given the circumstances!

I just hope that this period subsides sooner rather than later for both our sakes!

I am also under no illusion about not being on his Xmas card list! Nor that of many of his friends or family!

As I have been here before I know what lies ahead and this time there is no doubt - unlike last time.

Sadly it''s messy (as are all separations!) because there are added complications with the house needing to be sold and us paying back our families the large sums of money that they lent us.

Thank you for taking the time to reply - I appreciate it greatly :)

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08 Apr 15 #459366 by MooToo
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Hi Marshy

Don''t feel you have to apologise at all!

I haven''t gone down the route of saying I am doing it for his happiness. I perhaps didn''t explain myself very well.

I am ultimately doing it for my happiness of course, but what I meant was I will never be happy in this marriage and so in the end I would like to hope that with me being gone he will find someone that can give him what he deserves. I hope that makes sense. But you are totally right I cannot claim to make him happy by leaving.

To explain my situation a little better, this isn''t the first time we are where we are. We separated about 5 years ago but after 6 months decided to try again. The feelings that I had crept back in over the years and I know for certain that a life with him is not what I want nor could cope with. I know that sounds harsh but I have spent a long time making this decision and I know it''s right.

I am not tough on him - quite the opposite actually. The first time round I retaliated and argued back and antagonised him, this time there is no point. I am the one responsible for my decision. I am the one that has treated him badly over the past year or so and I am the one that is causing his hurt.

I take full responsibility for all of his behaviour as it is me that has put him in the situation.

I simply keep very quiet and tidy up after him! I am civil and try to be as friendly as possible given the circumstances!

I just hope that this period subsides sooner rather than later for both our sakes!

I am also under no illusion about not being on his Xmas card list! Nor that of many of his friends or family!

As I have been here before I know what lies ahead and this time there is no doubt - unlike last time.

Sadly it''s messy (as are all separations!) because there are added complications with the house needing to be sold and us paying back our families the large sums of money that they lent us.

Thank you for taking the time to reply - I appreciate it greatly :)

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08 Apr 15 #459368 by MooToo
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Thank you MrsMathisFun - I am not at the situation where I feel unsafe - I did last time as I angered him. Hopefully this time with me being calm and treating him respectfully (something I should have done for the last year or so :() he will eventually calm down.

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08 Apr 15 #459381 by Marshy_
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Hi MT. I understand you a bit better now.

You just have to battle on. I know you know this and I am preaching to the converted.

There will be some very dark days. There will be days when to go back would be easier and it will save a lot of pain. Except it wont. It will just be more pain later. Like it is now. Just keep strong.

The future for him. No one knows what will happen. I cant tell you if he will meet someone and it will make him happy. All I know is that for him and you, its a journey. And from experience do all that you can to limit damage. For as sure as eggs are eggs, this will stay with you for a very long time. And the less damage that is inflicted, the less time it takes to recover.

My ex did none of these things though. She went out of her way to damage me. She wanted me out the way as quickly as she could and with as much damage as she could inflict. I was treated like something brought in on someone''s shoe. And this often happens. You see it a lot here. People wondering. Wondering why they have been treated so badly after long loyal service. Just not let this be you. From what you say, I am sure you will be the exception.

I dont envy you though. I never had to do what you are doing. I was on the receiving end. And I think its easier being on the receiving end. Apart from the guilt you feel for causing the problem (in the early days this is what I was made to feel) I never had the guilt of actually getting rid of me. So I had a good reason to go. She didnt have many reasons to get rid. Apart from meeting someone else that is.

Chin up. It will be alright on the night. As for xmas cards. Very overrated. And not having any means less to put in the recycle when its all over.

Marshy.

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