Please help. Advice urgently needed

I suffered a mental breakdown last year due to several big life events that set the ball rolling.
I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused as a child by my step father, when he died I felt like I could never get the closure I needed. Then 4 weeks later I lost the one person I called dad, my grandfather, then a few months later my nan. ( they had both pretty much brought me up until my mom married my step father.)
I was 16 weeks pregnant at the time of my step fathers death and in a very stressful job.
I buried everything down so as not to let the stress affect my pregnancy as I was terrified I would lose the baby.
Once my daughter was born me and my partner moved house when she was 2 weeks old, then a year later we got married.
Things were lovely for a few weeks but we moved to the countryside and my husband because withdrawn and depressed.
I went back to work when my daughter was 2 months old as my partner didn''t work and was to proud to claim benefits.
All he ever did was tell me to quit my job, which added more pressure.
He completely shut me out, starved me of affection and was constantly emotionally withdrawn.
Im ashamed to admit it but I started an emotional affair with a friend of his.
He listened and supported me. He even tried to help my husband in numerous ways, but to no avail.
This emotional affair lasted only a month but my husband found out and threw me out.
I ended up living with friends until I could sort myself a house, and started a relationship with my husbands friend.
To cut a long story short the relationship lasted 6 months, I ended it as I realised after professional help that I''d had a breakdown, and still loved my he''s and and wanted my family back. ( he had our daughter full time)
We''ve been split up a year now but I''m desperate to get my marriage back on track.
Me and my husband both still have feelings for each other but we''re both stubborn.
My husband says I have to prove to him that I still want him, which I''m doing everything I can to show him, I''ve read every method of how to win back a lover etc and have tried everything.
My husband still shuts me out and says he doesn''t have to try to make things work as I''m the one who cheated and I shoul just be happy that he is letting me be around him and spend time with him.
All I''m asking is a tiny bit of affection from him, just to let me know I''m doing the right thing.
But nothing
He says he doesn''t know if he wants to try again but says I still have to try to prove to him, but he still might decide he doesn''t to try again, but even after what could be months/years he might still say no.
Am I being unreasonable? Or should I do as he wants?
Please help I''m at my wits end.
I''m suicidal because of all this but he doesn''t seem to care.

Hi thank you for your reply.
I don''t currently have a doctor as I''ve recently moved back home to my family as I was finding living so far away and being so isolated really hard.
I''ve tried talking to my husband and I message him every day, as a way of trying to show him that I''m thinking of him but for the past week I''ve had nothing.
Not even a reply to a message which I stated was important about our daughter.
I''m finding this so frustrating but I''m trying my best to keep my cool and not get annoyed but it''s really trying my patients.
All he ever seems to want me for is to lend him money. I''m a single mom in benefits and he now works full time, and pays nothing to the care of his daughter

Oh Baby

You have so many issues unresolved . Especially , from childhood .
Your , self esteem , worth and respect have taken a hammering .

However, you can and will heal from the trauma .

I read that your partner has control your life. You have to prove yourself to him .

What a load of codswallop .

You , are you . Look . You are you . You do not need anyone to validate you . You do not need anyone to feel alive. You , need find you . That''s it .
You validate yourself , no one , I repeat no one controls you . You decide, you validate yourself . You , live your life . You , are unique, you are the only one like you on the planet .
Babe, be you . And if it means your partner cannot cope with it then so be it . Stop , people pleasing . Be you .
Find your fears. Face them . And destroy them . You can do this . You just do not see it yet .

I was similar , now I present a radio show, I play live music. I found me.

So , sod him. What do you want ? You want him . Then sell yourself short and do as he says . Or , go live your life.

Your life , be free of the anxiety and stress and worry .

There is a simple answer .
I found it . You can too

Good luck
D

Wanna hear a woman roar, well after reading your post I''m roaring. The man you''ve just described is a complete ****wit. I cannot stand in your shoes, but standing in mine, looking at the you, your post has conveyed, tells me you need professional help, because you are looking for nurture in all the wrong places.

I rather wonder if patterns are repeating themselves here, starting from your mum falling into the trap of feeling the need for any man even if he wasn''t worth licking the soles of her shoes, and certainly shouldn''t have been allowed anywhere near her precious little daughter.

On the plus side of all this, you do recognise the emotional abuse that is being played out, the trick now is to escape from it. It is a given that you are ''needy'' and quite a lot of people will find this difficult. But you have every right to be needy, you have your childhood to catch up on. That said people around you have their own mole hill issues, and yours are a mountain.

How do I think you can help yourself to resolve this, along with trained support that I believe in your case is essential. Well here are my thoughts.

Firstly writing it out is good to do. Call it maybe your book of misery, and just let it flow. In time, as you heal, you can rename it your golden book because it swallows your dark to let the sun shine in.

Now you need to be loved as you want to be loved - and there is only one person who can do that, and it''s you. Sounds trite perhaps, but within you, you have the power to recognise who you are and cherish that wonderful albeit currently battered soul.

The closure you seek is within your gift to yourself, and in part it will be cutting the tie to the man who is continuing the abuse. Fortunately in our society there are very few spongers, but those who are, drain not only public resources, they drain the people they get their hooks into. Would you want your daughter to love such a man as you''ve described? Could you have any respect for him? Well I''m wearing my maternal hat now when I say I don''t want that for you. You deserve a man who wants to build a wonderful life with you, and there are far more of them in this world than not.

I''ve said it often on this site, but it''s worth repeating to you. When you look into the mirror, I want you to like what you see, no not like, I want you to love what you see. I don''t want you to pick out a single fault, in fact I want you to change the way you see your so called faults. For instance, for years I hated the way my nose turns up, but by doing the self same exercise, I love it, it''s part of the character of my face, and when I look at my nose nowadays I smile. When you moisturise your face and body, do it with a gentle caress, not just rub it in to get it over with. Even when you make yourself a cup of coffee, do it with care, in a pretty cup - use all this in every aspect of your life.

I''ll finish on an exercise I came across recently. The way we hold our body has been shown to have an effect on our demeanour, and by doing this simple stance, you can empower yourself in a positive way. All you do is stand in front of the mirror with your hands on your hips, elbows spread wide, your legs apart, feet firmly planted on the floor and smile at yourself for 2 minutes! And yes it is called the Wonder Woman pose. It works on the principle that the mind follows the body, as much as the body follows the mind - in effect faking it ''til you make it.

Go to it honey.

Hi,and welcome to wiki...

Reading your post the first thing that screams out at me,you definatly need to see a Doctor,you say you have not registered,but if you only do one thing today..Let it be that...
When you suffered your breakdown,were you offered follow up support?ideally you should still be having support from the CPN dept,these guys can and do spot things starting to falter.
You need to get the ball rolling,because I really think you need some help and possibly therapy can be that help,and you will be entitled to that help,it''s there for you...

Now the other aspects of your life..
Whilst many suffer abusive childhoods,many overcome them,they realise that ultimately it was not their fault,but this takes years of hardwork.When the people who are supposed to love and protect you,are the ones who actually abuse and frighten you,it causes all sorts of emotional damage.Ideally this should be addressed earlier but in most cases it is not,this then leads to problems in adulthood.
Many abused children will seek similar relationships when they are older,possibly thinking they are not worthy of more??
Maybe this is what you have done,looked for love in the wrong places,then gone on to have further relationships which were unsuitable...Unsuitable because you have to repair yourself first,it''s no good looking for love,if you don''t love yourself...

I maybe so off the mark on this one,but to me that how it reads,your looking to go back to him for love and support,but your eyes are not seeing ..He is also an abuser...
Your relationship with him is no good,just be grateful you have shared a beautiful baby together,but at the moment you should nt be with him,just a thought..
Was he abused also?

An abused child feels weak and insecure,so eventually it creates it''s own personality based on those feelings,and then will basically put up with whatever is offered them,because they are craving love and acknowledgement,so many times they enter totally wrong relationships,then they remain the abused or in some cases become the abuser...

You owe to yourself and your baby to be happy and free of these feelings,to be in a relationship where your valued and loved,you don''t have to put up with anyones disrespect,but firstly you have to find that respect for yourself.

Your here now though,and there are many who will virtually support you,but for today please make that Doctor''s appointment.

Take care
Cwtchs
Afon x

Hi and thank you for your reply.
Yes my husband was also abused as a child but not where near the scale that I was.
He is a very strong person but also manipulative with it.
I feel I need to reconcile with him as we''ve know each other since school and are childhood sweethearts.
He has admitted he wasn''t the easiest person to live with but he still says it''s all my fault and he shouldn''t have to put in any effort to make this work as its my fault.
But he pushed me away, if I showed or tried to show him affection he would brush me off which made me so unhappy.
In the end I didn''t stop trying but just accepted that this was normal.
And that it was my fault that he is like this.
He also lost the two people closest to him in his life and sank into a depression, he says I didn''t support him as I shoul of but even though he got help from the doctor he never changed and the tablets didn''t help at all.
If anything they made him worse.
He sad I''m the one who is responsible for destroying our family and refuses to accept that my breakdown and the series of avents messed my head up so much that I sought comfort from anothe man. He says it''s just an excuse.
However less than 3 weeks after we split he had met another girl, introduced her out daughter ( she has a daughter almost the same age) and slept with her in our marital bed. At this time we were trying to give things another go, I didn''t know he was seeing her until I found out.
And he says I pushed him to do it. He said he needed the company and she was there for him.
I didn''t sleep with the guy I was seeing until me an my husband were properly split up.
He doesn''t believe this.
I still love him but I''m scared of all of this affecting our daughter. She is almost 2 and half but very bright and I know she is picking up on it all.