Secondly, of course you feel awful. That''s normal. It''s horrible but you''ve been through a tough time. He changed, he left you, he felt suicidal, he cheated , he said he wanted reconciliation, then he didn''t, he was suicidal...
He needs to sort himself out. That''s his job. Your job is to sort yourself out. Forget the online dating. You aren''t ready. Don''t fret about being too old, I had my babies at nearly 36 and 38 and friends have had babies in their early 40s. Wanting a baby is never a reason for getting into a relationship. You need the relationship to work.
I''m older than you - I was 53 when my ex left me. I took nearly 2 years to accept what had happened and it needed friends, family, anti-depressants and months of counselling. I well remember the days and weeks of crying uncontrollably. But they pass. You need to go through the grief before you can think about moving on with someone else.
Hugs from me too. Everything Nell said - I would back up.....I would have written the same if I had been there first.
I can remember thinking -'' I had know idea emotional pain could feel like physcial pain).''
...and I used to get cross cos no-one would or could give me a pain killer (I felt someone was keeping a secret!)
The secret is - it feels like hell on earth and yet we can survive it (and dare I use that awful term ''grow from it'' - it makes me shudder.)
Two books I recommend - Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark - and When a Relationship ends but Alberti and Fisher - (these from memory so details may be a bit iffy.)
Hang on - you have your husband have been through so much together and apart.
Don''t worry about going on - you needed to get it all out. That''s what the site is for. (Breaking it up would have made it easier to read!)
You don''t need to apologise on this site - we''ve all been through/are going through it. One thing I learned from my marriage ending was not to accept responsibility for my ex''s emotions and not to expect him to be responsible for mine. It''s obvious now, but our marriage was not founded on the right basis.
Hayley, we have a blog area on this site that you may find helpful. It is a good idea to get your feelings out. Here you will find plenty of people who can relate absolutely to what you are going through - and also can show you that things do come good in the end.
The forum is a great place to ask questions and get advice and reassurance.
Just one thought, if you are using your real name as your user id, you may want to change it to something anonymous.
I know it doesnt seem possible but it will get better. I dont know when but it will.
I used to wish my stbx had had an affair because I could hate someone, as I was traded in for porn and chat lines, but I have realized it doesnt matter what reasons you split, it just hurts more than anybody could ever tell you.
Mine left and came back, I gave him the space he said he needed, he used me and my emotions.
You may not think so but you are still young and have a wonderful future ahead of you. You are appreciated by your employer and workmates and friends. Take strength from that and go and make a new you. Forget the dating you need to find who you are without your ex. It will be a different you but im sure a confident, caring, thoughtful person that has been made strong from all of this. The crying will stop, but it will creep up on you when you lest expect it for some time to come. Stay strong, look after yourself and we will get through this.
All the best for 2016.