A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.

Why her not me?

  • honeybees
  • honeybees's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
24 Jan 16 #472964 by honeybees
Topic started by honeybees
Hi all. I have been feeling really upbeat recently, not missing my ex and just getting on with my life... Then (it''s always the smallest things) I was watching the film ''train wreck'' where the main character goes to bed with a guy.

For some reason my mind flashed to the woman my husband jumped into bed with just a month after we broke up. Whilst it never went anywhere, because she is in a relationship with my stbx best friend, all I can think is why her and not me? For years he had no interest in sleeping with me, he would never make the first move and whilst I said I would love us to be more ''active'' he just said he had a low libido and never made any moves to improve our sex life.

I guess I just don''t understand what it is she has that I don''t. Thanks to social media I know what she looks like; she isn''t attractive and looks rather cheap. Which means she must be more interesting or better in bed than me? He was actually defensive of her saying she was a nice person, he liked her etc. she ended it with him: I can''t stop obsessing about what she has over me? My self esteem is so low I can''t imagine having a physical relationship with someone as I feel there must be something wrong with me, even though pre marriage I was rather confident in that area.

The images haunt me. What kills me is that I know that I would never be able to take him back after this, that I could never forget. He knows that about me too, so what is it about her that is so special and me so not special?

I would love to get a mans perspective in this as I just don''t understand the thinking.

Having a day where I can''t stop crying, :(

  • Declan
  • Declan's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
24 Jan 16 #472965 by Declan
Reply from Declan

First off there is nothing wrong with you . You are perfect as you are.
Difficult to say what was going on in his mind at the time he did what he did a month after you split.

Main thing you may want to consider is putting you first , stop comparing yourself with others that only makes you feel worse .

Cry your tears , grieve your loss. Vent out on here . Then when you''ve cried your last tear, go be the best person that you can be .
You are fine as you are . Indulge your passion spoil yourself .
Don''t fret yourself over why he did what he did . No good comes from going down there anymore .

Trust me nothing wrong with you . I guess you did not fit together in the end .

Look at it like this, remember those shapes that children put into shapes carved out so square goes in a square hole and all that .
Well , a child picks up a square and tries to put it into a round hole . Child says there is something wrong with this one , it does not fit .
In truth nothing wrong with the square , it was not being placed into where it does fit .

Dry your tears , you are fine .m


  • itsbeenalongtime
  • itsbeenalongtime's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
24 Jan 16 #472968 by itsbeenalongtime
Reply from itsbeenalongtime
I dont know how long it goes on for and like you say, its the silly little things. My 21 yr old car has its MOT tomorrow, no idea if it will pass or what i`ll do if it does`nt. My stbx had the ability to make everything(except his marriage) last for ever. He could fix anything everybody else would give up on. Yes he is a tight ass.
Im trying to put everything into context as I have flash backs. I think im going to blame the weather and the time of year.
Dont worry about OW, They only wanted what they couldn''t have, when they get it they dont want it. Was reminiscing today about all the flowers and cards and little prezzie he used to buy when we were courting. Once we were married that all stopped. Didnt need to try any more. Grass is always greener.
I to often wonder how the "other side" feel. But I suppose they are all so different that we will never know.
Stay strong, as long as you have more good days than you use to, you are heading in the right direction.

  • NellNoRegrets
  • NellNoRegrets's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
24 Jan 16 #472969 by NellNoRegrets
Reply from NellNoRegrets
Well my ex told me he could "really talk" to the woman he left me for. But then he said the same thing about the woman he left the first woman for...

I suspect they like novelty - something/one different. I''m sure ex was flattered that his first OW fancied him. I was just too familiar. It''s easy to be caught up in the lust until the first enthusiasm wears off. In my ex''s case he just moves on to someone else. He''d probably have done it much sooner in our marriage if he''d had the opportunity.

Who cares why? His loss. I''m worth so much more and so are you.

  • Rustyr00
  • Rustyr00's Avatar
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
24 Jan 16 #472974 by Rustyr00
Reply from Rustyr00
I thought the same thoughts.... But knowing I''m about to be the 3rd failed marriage, the 3rd wife he has cheated on.... Makes me hope deep down, it''s him not me....
I have had an awful weekend, non stop tears... I''m hoping it''s just a bad time as I don''t want to admit my tears are for him as he doesn''t deserve them.....
All I want is to come through the other side .....I''m hoping I will and be someone that''s not bitter for what he did to me... But someone worthy of having a life

  • BlueSky64
  • BlueSky64's Avatar
  • Premium Member
  • Premium Member
24 Jan 16 #472980 by BlueSky64
Reply from BlueSky64
OK from a male point of view. Some might not agree but I will be honest.

First my situation is my stbx of 15 years walked out on me because I was surplus to her requirements, no cheating as far as I am aware.

First there is nothing wrong with, you could be the most gorgeous woman on the planet, the best sex ever but if things are not working out in a relationship especially if there is no physical things going on men are just as bad as women thinking it must be him, she doesn''t fancy me, I don''t turn her on.

Now all women know, some men are low life and will take advantage of a vulnerable women, it''s easy to tell them what they want to hear give them the attention they are not getting or were not getting from their husband. Obviously with one aim in mind. Also some men just cheat because they can! They like the chase and the challenge. In my experience men withe the best looking wives tend to cheat. No idea why that is. Equally I have found women with what appears (to me as a man) to be the perfect good looking husband cheat.

Well some women do the same, you know the script, my wife does not understand me, we don''t have sex. Well some women find that a challenge, some find bedding a married man a challenge. Men by their very nature find a women coming onto them hard to ignore.. (incidentally the richer the man the better looking they become, hence rich ugly old men with good looking bimbos on their arm .. OK spot of jealousy there).

Now I am not saying all men are like this, I have never cheated but there were times when things were not working out when I have not thought about it just for some affection or to prove I still have "it" whatever it is.

Now the main difference between men and women as I see it is, if married women cheat they tend to have developed feelings for the other person, but usually for men it''s just sex meaningless sex.

You say your ex was not interested in sex, I have a mate who''s wife is stunning and he says he is not bothered about sex. He''s comfortable with the way things are. Nothing to do with her. So it could be the same in your situation. Now when a relationship breaks down men tend to have a set pattern of events that I won''t go into so as not to incriminate myself or anyone else. :laugh:lets just say it''s an ego thing and the "it" thing. Again it''s usually meaningless.

So my point is it will have had nothing to do with you, my guess is you have probably not been made to feel attractive or sexy for a long time. Him sleeping with someone else made you feel worse.

Now you know it''s not you, it''s time to look in the mirror and not in the magnifying glass, today you look good tomorrow you will look even better. Start feeling good about yourself put the smile back on you are his loss not the other way round.

As for things triggering the thought process it really is the small things that hurt the most.

Just recently I was destroyed just because she did not send me a birthday card, fifteen years and that''s how little she thought about me. Someone who professed to have love and adored me.

So best advice cry today laugh tomorrow because you deserve to be happy just accept that some days are going to remind of things but hopefully you will be able to replace the bad memories with good ones.

Sorry to waffle on, hope it makes some kind of sense and helps even if just a little bit. :woohoo:

  • Vastra1
  • Vastra1's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
25 Jan 16 #472984 by Vastra1
Reply from Vastra1
Apparently many affair partners are less attractive and less intelligent than the spouse. It''s not about you, its about your STBX and his emotional limitations.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11