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1 year on...

  • wallytull
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04 Apr 16 #476389 by wallytull
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Well, its one year since my wife decided to leave. Nothing is sorted. No divorce served, I am in the marital home, and she rents a little flat. Neither of us have any money, and rather than feeling any better I feel worse after one year. Depressed, stressed, angry, powerless, washed out.

I have tried anti-depressants, but they weren''t right for me. I am having counselling, but dreading the end of these sessions, as they are a comfort to me, but I don''t seem to be fixed!

Trying to start another relationship, but I can''t get my wife out of my mind or the little family unit (1 son of 12 and a dog) that we used to have.

Just feeling terrible, and I know there is a house to divide, a move, divorce proceedings etc. to come and I''m also having a rough time at work. Utterly desperate.

Any help, advice or shared experiences welcomed. She won''t even let me see our dog :(

  • yougotmail
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04 Apr 16 #476392 by yougotmail
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Hi Wallytull, sorry to hear your not coping too well with the split even after a year
I found that having the zero contact was beneficial for "getting over" the ex but, the more difficult part is getting out of the family habit.
Our family units are just like an addiction, we release edorphins when we are happy and this is released all the time when we are a family unit working and going through the day to day of life.
These habits or addictions are so much harder to break because they are your life.
I started to do affirmations every time I had or have these feelings and it seems to work.
I am far from cured but well on my way.
My other method is to get new friends but only those with a positive outlook on life, who give you positive thoughts rather than the negative disrespect usually awarded to a non present spouse.
Sorry I cannot help you more but time will eventually heal you.

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04 Apr 16 #476398 by wallytull
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Thanks for your reply! I''m so glad that there are people here online to help and send kind messages of support like you have. That is a real positive. I''m having zero contact at the moment, just emails at the moment for stuff regarding our son. It''s SO hard. I was with her for 18 years. Married for 14. I thought a year on things would be better but unfortunately not :(

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04 Apr 16 #476401 by yougotmail
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Hi Wallytull, it is probably the thought that she will run back to you in time that has kept you stuck in the moment.
You do have to let them go in order to enable yourself to heal.
I miss my wife still but it is less now after 6 months of no contact apart from the usual bullying solicitors letters or this non molestation order that is coming.
I have no control over her but, I do over me and how I cope with it all.
You will be ok in time Wallytull and it won''t be easy but, you are not alone, there are thousands of us here all suffering together but, all heading for a better future.

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04 Apr 16 #476403 by Lipstickandlollipops
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I know exactly how you''re feeling, I''m feeling it too at the moment and it''s the worst feeling I have ever experienced.
It''s particularly bad today, but I know tomorrow it won''t be as bad, that''s how it tends to go, so I hope it does for you too. Don''t allow yourself to look back at the memories, its not helpful, distract your mind any way you can.
The memories usually get me the most when I''m driving, so I put the CD player on full blast for a few minutes to distract my mind and drown out the thoughts until they''ve passed
Like you I had hoped to have been more over him than I am a year on, I think I''ve been held back a bit because he regularly made contact and gave me hope of a reconciliation, seems he had an agenda, what that was, only he knows.
At times I felt as if I was moving forward, if I''m honest I''m actually not, just pretending too for everyone else.

I''ve done all the right things, made new friends, got a job, go out whenever I can, look after myself, keep fit, but my heart still aches for him.
Together 22 years, married for 15, one son now aged 20, and he left me for someone he''d only known for 3 weeks!
I just couldn''t cope with a divorce at the moment, still can''t accept its over.

Keep battling on, take each day as it comes and deal with that days particular emotions.
Try not to look too far forward, one day at a time.

  • NellNoRegrets
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04 Apr 16 #476404 by NellNoRegrets
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I think it''s a mistake to think "I''ll feel better when".

Feelings come and go. We can''t change what we feel but we can change how we react to it.

I was with my husband for 31 years, unmarried and then married. It was a huge thing when he left me. We are only just now, after 7 years of separation, getting a divorce. Now things are moving again and I feel more hopeful. I was stuck in a kind of limbo for a while. I don''t think I will get to a point when I will be "over" my ex. He was the only man in my life and I think he always will be. But I am doing my best to live my life as best I can, trying not to dwell on the past or fret about the future, but to just focus on the positives in the moment.

So right now, I have a roof over my head, I feel well, I have delicious food to eat and both my sons are healthy and happy. That''s enough to feel good.

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04 Apr 16 #476405 by Lizziejt
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Hi Wallytull, sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. Like you I have also had a bad time at work which doesn''t help! It is difficult but we will feel better in time as others say - it''s such a big change and we all have to adjust to our new lives. When I feel overwhelmed it helps to take one day at a time and not think too far ahead. Also, it sounds as though maybe you are not quite ready for a new relationship... It has been just over a year for me too and I know I''m not ready. Are you able to see your son?
Look after yourself, it will get better xx

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