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Food for thought

  • Declan
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19 Apr 16 #477088 by Declan
Topic started by Declan
Hello this Sunny morning,

Here is a little post about emotional pain and suffering . It may help some I dunno . If it helps one then all well and good

" All emotional pain lasts for 12 minutes, anything longer than that is self inflicted ."
-- Psychological Research

Controversial post don''t you think .

That will tend to polarise people . First reaction was BS or of course it is self inflicted .

I thought BS when I read that a while back . Then I came back to it not in a dismissive mindset but from a inquisitive mind set . By doing so , my mind set changed .

In my experience , and like others I have had my fair share of pain . The one thing I noticed that I did was overthink the process . That ,min itself caused mental pain . The vicious circle of thoughts . Re thinking every detail and aspect of the breakup . Creating , hate and anger not just with ex but more importantly with myself . The more I did it the more I ended up in the quicksand of pain .

What did I learn ?
I learned that I had to somehow find a way of catching myself from going down that path . Change my thoughts . !!

My process was that I needed to distract myself as soon as I felt I was losing control . I would sit with the feeling , accept it acknowledge it then , mentally say enough and go strum my guitar . Learn another lick .

If I am out and I get that feeling creep up I acknowledge it feel it . Then , look at nature , I look up not down and focus on my senses , smell touch etc . Take interest in others , say good morning to a stranger engage in chit chat whilst in a shop etc .

Once I stopped the excruciating mental processing , it left time to focus my mind on getting to the root of my pain , face it and fix it .

I think as many others the quote is accurate , however we are humans, not robots .

So in order to stop processing events emotionally and feeling unnecessary pain I had to try and stop processing events emotionally .
I did not shut down emotionally ,I accept the feelings when they arise and they will . However, I now try not to let the emotions go on longer than they need to .

The bottom line is , it is our thoughts and what we believe to be true affect our emotional state .

It''s the old story , believe you can and you will , believe you can''t and you won''t .

Believe all will be well

I wish all my wiki friends a great day and for all those in pain a massive hug , you are not alone in your pain and anguish . You are loved .


  • Clawed
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19 Apr 16 #477089 by Clawed
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I like that Declan but more with hind sight than I would have in the early days when I felt I would never be happy again.

I found it easy to slip from emotional pain to self pity but luckily I was surrounded by friends who were able to be tough while sympathising and give me some good advice, some comments that stand out and might be of use to others are

Whatever you focus on expands so focus on something pleasant and positive.

Treat your head like a rough neighbourhood and don''t go there alone or after dark.

Make a gratitude list every day.

Take yourself out of the centre and concentrate on other people and what you can add to their lives.

It wasn''t easy to keep trying to turn my thoughts around and I didn''t like the advice at first but it certainly worked, I''m not a naturally optimistic person so it took effort to stay positive but it was worth it. I''m so glad I had friends who refused to let me wallow in self pity by being brave enough to tell me that was what I was doing.

  • Lipstickandlollipops
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19 Apr 16 #477098 by Lipstickandlollipops
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That''s kind of how I get through the bad times, I remind myself that the deep gut wrenching feeling in me will not be there in say 20 minutes or so, when in this frame of mind, which incidentally are becoming les and less frequent, I know absolutely it will pass. There were times a year ago that I thought that feeling would never go away, even for a few minutes.
Getting there xx

  • Moona50
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19 Apr 16 #477101 by Moona50
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Great post Declan.

For me it is a balance between not wanting to suppress the emotion when it arises but neither identifying myself too much with it. Not getting carried away with it.

As you do I try and allow the feeling to remain but to let my focus drift onto nature - trees, sounds I can hear etc. I try and bring my other senses into play. When I do this the anxiety and pain diminishes.

It takes discipline though and other times I feel I can''t muster this and need to allow myself to wallow a bit. Hopefully these times with decrease in time.

  • Marshy_
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19 Apr 16 #477102 by Marshy_
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Great stuff Declan. Very thought provoking and interesting. Marshy.

  • Declan
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19 Apr 16 #477105 by Declan
Reply from Declan

Like learning a new lick , fellow guitarist .
More we practice the easier it becomes .
The brain changes and learns . New pathways start to form .

All clever stuff isn''t it . Wish I had know all this at the beginning . Boy, did I suffer unecessary at times .

Then again , that was my journey to find my way .

Lipstick and clawed have found a way . All good stuff I say .

Whatever it takes to help one to recover is alright in my book .

No self destruct . Just positive thoughts and action going forward .
No procrastinate . No self negative talk . We are worthy , all of us . We are all of value . Just because thought hang on I don''t want this anymore does not make us any less . We are still the same . We have our own identities and thoughts . And , we are just as valid as anybody else . Equal . We accept people as they are warts and all .

We want a better life , then we decide what we want and go for it .

For me to live in happiness and peace .

I do more of what makes me happy and less of what makes me unhappy .
That includes my thoughts .

I think I got so used to the pain I felt naked without it .
Now , that pain can go to hell .


All will be well

  • Sherara
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20 Apr 16 #477137 by Sherara
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Hi all, it was that moment of bitter pain last night. I opened my kitchen door stepped out and took a deep breath looking up to the heavens, the welcome soft chill hit my face but I felt lifted, in a new dimension. Made me realise how small we are as humans in this gigantic magnitude, yet we cause ourselves and others such unhappiness. It''s pathetic and so unnecessary. I''m making everyday every morning and night a look up to the skies from now on. Cheer up everyone smile and throw it all behind you, the only way to beat pain is to be happy with yourselves. I was there two years ago, I know.

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