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possibly pre separation

  • bella57
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09 Sep 16 #483478 by bella57
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New on here and think I am about to join the ranks of the soon to be separated. I am married to a not unpleasant man who just happens to be quite selfish. I have put up with it over the years, firstly when there were no kids it was easy because I was financially independent, then with small children I didn't feel I would get anywhere by saying anything. Now they are older and more independent themselves I notice his lack of involvement unless he wants it. Many times he says 'don't rely on me to help with that', meaning he has his own social arrangements and I need to take care of it. At some point I went from wanting to rely on him and wanting his company, to not relying on him, then to not wanting his company as I can and prefer to manage on my own. Not sure how much of this the children have noticed. I am massively depressed, I have lost 2 stone and hardly sleep although I am tired all the time. I know both these are classic signs of depression. He has confronted me and wants me to take a day off work to try and sort things out. He was quite aggressive accusing me of changing, and telling me he feels sorry for the children. He holds all the financial cards and I will struggle, but I think I will be happier without him. But will the children be happier? Do I plod on for them? :S

  • hadenoughnow
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09 Sep 16 #483482 by hadenoughnow
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Bella. Welcome to wikivorce but sorry you find yourself here.

I think the first thing you need to do is find out whether the symptoms you have may be caused by something else. Losing two stone is quite dramatic. Have you seen your GP?

If your marriage is in difficulties, you do need to get your strength up to deal with sorting things out.

I would also suggest you see if you can agree to some couples counselling or go to Relate on your own if necessary. I am not defending him but he too may be unhappy with the way things are.

Divorce is not an easy option but if it does turn out to be the way ahead, you need to make sure you know how the process works. There is lots of information on the site to help you and we can answer your questions. Remember the financial assets are joint regardless of whose name they are in.

But don't get ahead of yourself. Get some medical advice first.

Hadenoughnow

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09 Sep 16 #483484 by bella57
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Thank you for the reply.

He says that I have changed. What has happened is that he has carried on doing what he wants, refusing to discuss large decisions that affect the whole family and carrying on with his life as he wants. He is kind if somewhat distant to the kids. I know that the weight loss is related to being depressed about the situation - as soon as I am worried about something my appetite goes. I have buried my head in the sand over the years as I haven't wanted to face my unhappiness. A few things have brought it abruptly to my attention - his complete lack of sympathy and interest in one of our children who has suffered with quite severe depression and my children all telling me he is selfish! I know I need to get proper advise and possibly go to Relate. In my head I am done. It's just the children I am worried about:(

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09 Sep 16 #483487 by hadenoughnow
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How old are the children?

  • bella57
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21 Sep 16 #483844 by bella57
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16 15 and 12

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21 Sep 16 #483855 by hadenoughnow
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Have you considered that he may have Asperger's ? It is worth reading up on relationships with people who have this.

It won't solve how you are feeling but it may help you to understand his reactions better.

Suggest couples counselling to him and see how he reacts.

  • Strawberrypimms
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03 Oct 16 #484276 by Strawberrypimms
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It sounds to me as though deep inside you have already decided the relationship is over.
I imagine you have put your children's needs before your own for a very long time.
I didn't want to go to Relate either and eventually my husband's behaviour became so dreadful I had the reason I needed and started divorce proceedings.
Your children are old enough to understand staying with someone when unhappy is not good for any of you, but allowing this situation to carry on will not help anyone.
Think where you want to be in ten years time when your children have probably left home. Still as miserable?
Or after a struggle living a life with much less stress.
It isn't easy making the break but it gets easier as time goes on, and the feeling of a life without feeling so terrible every day spurs you on.
I would first go and see your Dr and try and get referred to the NH counselling service, talking it through with someone completely uninvolved will help you see it clearly, then you can decide.
You will find strength you had no idea you possessed but in the end it's worth it.

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