Thank you everyone for your time and words - today I thought i had turned a corner, I really did. I went to the solicitor this morning to get advice on responding to the Petition and was very bold and confident in my answers to her and what I wanted to do - deal with it quickly, get it over with, let me get on with my life and find some normality again - then I had a busy afternoon with a business presentation to occupy me. Came home tonight and just can't help the tears streaming down my face - I just want to feel as important to him as I used to. I used to joke that he would have given me the moon had I asked for it, now I would be grateful for a kind word or some sympathy - and I hate myself for that, for wanting that from him, for not being capable of seeing him for what he has become and wanting him gone.
I'm coming to the conclusion that my tears are not all about him, but about me too - I have lost me in all this - the bold confident woman I once was and now I see myself as a pathetic snivelling wreck who can't even concentrate long enough to do anything useful, who is crying over a man who has treated me so badly after once being so important to him and imagining him laughing at my pain. My eldest son is coming home tomorrow to stay for a week whilst his father is away (he has gone on holiday with some friends - on the one hand I am thankful for the break as we are still living in our marital home together until it sells) - I don't want my son to see me in such a state, he has his own life and I don't want to cloud his view of his father because whatever I feel, he will always be his Dad.
You will. You will find your way. This, i promise.
It is in these times that we find our inner strength , our will to go on .
You, have nothing to fear . Nobody, on this journey has nothing to fear.
Red, all you have is the here and now. The here and now. The past has gone, so why relive it why?. The future has not even happened. We, sometimes distort the facts. We tell ourselves stories and miss the now.
Is it rejection ? is it that lie? I want to be loved and liked .
Nobody, likes rejection we all to be liked. What if you could slay that one .
What if, you liked yourself more loved yourself more. What if you could give yourself all the love you need right now among all this pain and anger . What, if you could be happy as you are right now . How would that feel ? To feel more confident and at peace. To sleep well. to handle anything that comes your way and not blame the world. To handle all your problems.
I got news you can and you will .
I myself, fell into the what ifs and how will i cope and manage. I cannot live without her. I will die i wanna die . I feel so awful. I need others to validate me. i need stroking and loving . All lies. i needed too give love. I had love too give.No taking .
It takes work yes. It took work for me to achieve where i am now.
Just know that one day you will go to the bathroom look in the mirror and say ,,, enough is enough ,,
You will know what you have to do .
I promise this
Only you will know
Share your thoughts and concerns, Just know in the end , It is you who decides your life , your future, who and what occupies your mind.
You are in charge, No one else , No ex. Just you , Now that is empowering Eh