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How do you let go and move on?

  • RedPoppies
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23 Mar 17 #490366 by RedPoppies
Topic started by RedPoppies
I am genuinely interested in what strategies, techniques, tactics people have used to move on. The announcement of a divorce after 26 years threw me into a state of shock and at first, like any reaction, I thought he couldn't possibly mean it ... that was 8 weeks ago and clearly he does as our house is now on the market and he has served his Petition to which I have responded.

I have periods where I am coping well, feeling confident and bold and making plans for my future now, after at first desperately not wanting the divorce to happen - but then he sends me a message and it just hits me right in the guts and my stomach churns like I am going to be sick, my heart races, I get panic attacks and then the tears start ....

How do you let go? Move on? Get over it? People have suggested not engaging with him at all (difficult when we live in the same house still and are dealing with viewings and estate agents and our son) - one minute he is being nice (HOw are you? Had a good day?) and the next being a proper nasty piece ....

I would really welcome any advice from people who found themselves in a similar situation and found a way to deal with it? I have been leaning on friends since the beginning and don't want to do that forever, they have their lives and their problems too, so I need to start finding ways of coping with this situation and this man who makes me angry, sad, jealous, upset .....

Please?:(

  • itsbeenalongtime
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23 Mar 17 #490370 by itsbeenalongtime
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Why is the house on the market so soon? Who is pushing this. You need to sort the finances before you do anything. If I had listened to my stbx I would be claiming benefits and struggling to survive while he was retired and surviving on millions. I needed to take things slowly so I could understand what was what.I told my stbx to leave, which he did. I dont think I could have coped if he`d stayed. I think the, be nice one minute , be nasty the next, is all part of the mind game playing. I have been much better since no contact but we were living apart. You are doing brilliantly. I cried non stop for about 2 years but now realise im better than that and a million times better person than my stbx could ever be. Nobody has the right to treat you like this. Breathing, reading, friends,family and time are the only way through. Dont be pushed into anything you are not ready for. Take responsibility in sorting out the finances. Let him see you are taking control of the situation (even if you`re not). Write lists of things you need to find out. Give yourself small targets every day, things you can do without too much stress. Keep going, keep talking, stay strong.

  • Lymm
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23 Mar 17 #490377 by Lymm
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I agree why is the house on the market, stop it now, you are in no way ready to make those decisions. Blimey after eight weeks I was a basket case, not eating, sleeping etc. my solicitor put an order on the house so my ex couldn't sell it. One thing I would recommend is taking your name off every bank account in joint names as my ex cleared our account and left me with the debt.
Please just get advice and slow it all down.
Take care of yourself and stay out of his way as much as you can. Xx

  • RedPoppies
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24 Mar 17 #490423 by RedPoppies
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Thanks guys, but I want the house sold asap as that will give me the deposit I need for MY new house that I want to buy - I want out of here asap and away from him, living in the same house with Jekyll and Hyde is doing my mental health no good at all and is starting to affect my ability to work (I work from home) and even my ability to relax so I would like it to sell quickly and get out!

I've worked out a financial proposal this week that i intend to put to him so I am hoping we can agree something between us and get a solicitor to sign it off but if not, then yes, the house sale will have to be put on hold if it starts to look that way.

Many thanks for your comments, advice and concern xx

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25 Mar 17 #490451 by RedPoppies
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Hiding in the office so my son can't see me cry. Where do these sudden waves of intense emotion come from? Why can't I get a grip? So damn difficult! Was so proud of myself that I haven't had a wobble for a few days and now, for no reason at all, am sitting here bawling. WTF has this man done to me?!?!

This is so not me at all :(

  • Moona50
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25 Mar 17 #490457 by Moona50
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I know what you mean when you say "this isn't me".

I felt the same - I could not believe how I was and just wanted anything to get me through this. I was desperately searching for solutions to help me move on.

Initially I was an emotional wreck every single day - for most of the day. I too was living in the same house (for 8 months).

THen the emotional breakdowns came every few days. Then they would seem almost worse as I had had some time feeling OK.

NOw the emotions come perhaps every 6 weeks or so. For maybe a couple of days at a time.

THese are just ripples, or they feel like mild aftershocks after a massive earthquake. I know they will go perhaps completely in time.

The things that helped me were -

- mindfulness
- meditation

These two you can practice and it feels like you are actually doing something practical.

- counselling

I saw three different ones, the last one did some EMDR therapy with me (read up about it). He said I was suffering mild PTSD. THat made total sense to me.

- exercise
- speaking with family and friends (almost constantly at the time)
- renewing old friendships
- doing random things on my own (visiting a gallery etc)
- journalling
- playing guitar

I simply did everything I could possibly do thta I thought would help.

Yes I had many days when I could not do this stuff as I felt so crap. But just do it when you can.

This process for me has been the most unbelievably huge effort and it is ongoing.

However I am happy now. THe most important thing is that I am peacfeul now. Still have crap days but that is OK.

THis has been the most amazing opportunity for personal growth - you will get there I promise xx

  • Jalisia
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25 Mar 17 #490459 by Jalisia
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Moona50

It is so lovely to read how far you have come and to be able to offer such sound advice and words of encouragement.

I am so pleased for you - it gives us all hope.

I am passed the immense hurt and betrayal bit and now having to deal with all the crap he has created by destroying our family and I can honestly say I don't have any feelings for him at all.

Take care and wishing you all the happiness that you deserve :):)

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