I'm still very new to all of this, and it's a question that has really been playing on my mind.......... is it ok to really hate your STBX?
I don't mean do anything in the real world, just hating them for what they have done...??
Plus Social Media, I have my FB account closed at the moment, just to prevent temptation but is there an etiquette when it comes to the formal announcement? I've tried Google but nothing really stands out.
In my experience, I went on loving too long. It meant I was unable to believe or accept some of what was happening to me, and in all honesty I sometimes still do, years later, because I still find myself thinking the best of my ex, or, in the words of a friend, I 'still keep expecting him to do the right thing'. So sometimes I feel I hate him.
Mostly - though the moments of hate and incomprehension are real - what I feel increasingly for both of us is compassion. For the mistakes we made and for the mess we found ourselves in. I think this comes with time, if you encourage it. And by encourage it I mean, really think about and learn from the past. I think counselling or therapy is very useful here.
Tinkerbell is quite right that hate only hurts you. Forgiveness of your ex and yourself is better if you can. Look at The Forgiveness Project and see the sorts of things others have managed to forgive, and infidelity or falling out of love or fighting you for money pales into insignificance.
As for an announcement on social media, that never occurred to me. I'm not sure I would have done it if it had, or that I would recommend it. People around me found out as and when I wanted to tell them (unless they heard from friends, I suppose) and I preferred it that way. I'm not sure I would have wanted people 'liking' or otherwise reacting to the news, or reading their public comments, or dealing with an onslaught of messages, or wondering why I heard nothing from others. Really, it is nobody else's business. But that's just me. I wouldn't think there was anything wrong with a simple announcement.
Thank you, to reach out to take a breath and listen to someone else, is sometimes all I need - your advice is solid and correct.
Yes, I need to invest that energy elsewhere, it does feel like a mountain to climb and at the moment I feel as if I'm along for the ride, which is really unpleasant.
Facebook - thank you, that is a really great starter.
many thanks, and thank you again.
I am guessing you are new to this 'poop' storm.
I am going to go in the other direction regarding advice, and that is to say, its fine to hate your stbx, real visceral hate is good. As for forgiving your s2bx? Up to you if you think you can, you'll be a better man than me. Allow yourself to feel those raw emotions, in time they will disperse and be replaced by indifference which is where you want to get too, but there are some things you need to understand,
1) You will have to reach some form of financial agreement, don't let hate drive this.
2) You have children with your s2bx, remember that, at some point there will be family events that may involve both of you.
3) This is not your children's fight, don't let them be dragged in.
4) Just because you hate someone doesn't give you permission to be rude. Always be civil.
5) Facebook, why not go the whole hog and take an advertisement in the Times? Who's business is this? it is between you and your s2bx no one else
Hate is a tough one and I suspect you will naturally have intense feelings of hate towards her at times.
I found this difficult to deal with. I spoke to a counsellor who encouraged me to feel anger. He found it hard to understand why the anger wasnt there. I really tried but I just couldn't. I just felt acute sadness and intense disappointment. It overwhelmed me at times.
Feeling any negative feeling towards my wife was so hard because I had never felt that way before. It sort of felt that I "should" feel anger, hate, resentment etc etc but I found that equally traumatic. I remember describing it to the counsellor as feeling like "putting on a coat that wasn't mine", it just didnt feel natural to me.
Now I feel pity more than anything else but I try not to do that in a condescending way. Like others here I genuinely want to find a way to be compassionate to both her and me.
She behaved in a bad way and did things I suspect she struggles to come to terms with. But I loved her once and we had 25 years together.
As Declan often says, we just didnt fit together any more. It's still difficult for me to understand that but, gradually, I am coming to terms with it.
I hope she finds happiness and I am well on my way to doing just that as well.
We are not here for long LA so feel your anger fully when you need to, don't suppress it, but find a way to move through that rather than carrying it with you for years.
Whatever you do though will be right for you. One foot in front of the other my friend.
Thanks for the replies and for me it's been great to have a discussion and clearly, there is no right or wrong to this (within reason).
It has however allowed me to understand how I'm feeling and I'm as far along in my thoughts, as I hate what my STBX has done (to me, family etc.) but and I still admire her and if I'm honest respect her for making the decision.
So in summary, I don't hate her, just her decision and I know I have a long way and a hell of a journey to go to come to terms with this.