Wasn't sure where to post this but hopefully it finds those who are recently brokenhearted and stricken with fear and despair.
It's important that you know that you will get through this and will be happy again, if you allow yourself to be, I promise.
You see, 9 long years ago, my world came to an end, I lost the love of my life to someone else and I turned to the amazing, generous, patient people on Wikivorce for help, and thankfully they were always there.
There is no magic pill i'm afraid but with time and patience you will bounce back. I don't know how long it will take but you will complete the journey because that it exactly what this is and the duration of the ride will vary.
Just please keep going and do not despair, whatever your pain and circumstances, everything will come right in the end. How do I know you may ask?
I know it to be true because tonight after years and at a loose end, I decided to visit Wikivorce and I ended up reading my posts and blogs from all those years ago (amazed they were still there!), it took me back to a very dark, painful time and as I read through the hurt and despondency I realised that OMG I had survived!
I survived and I'm happy and content, I still haven't found someone special yet, but I know she is out there somewhere and I cant wait to meet her. Up until now, I have chosen/wanted to be unattached, and that is the point, I chose to take my time and that worked for me (always been a bit slow!!), Your are the one who will decide when you have healed and when it is safe to get back what you have lost, because you will heal and fully recover from your nightmare. I swear.
Keep talking to your amazing friends on Wiki and take good care.
The second part of that paragraph however is becoming a trend. ''I still haven't found someone special yet''
Yes Ive had my short relationships and maybe I have not been able to see the qualities in that person due to the turmoil caused both emotionally and financially by divorce. Right person but wrong time and place.
From personal experience every single person I know says 'never again' and is either staying single from choice , just living together or having casual relationships.
This may be an age thing with the older generation finding that new found freedom and realising that they do not need a partner to make them happy.
The ones who are living together or are in relationships have often been together for some years. It seems that element of trust broken by divorce still lingers and whilst they are committed to each other they will never expose themselves to another divorce scenario which most agree is traumatic.
That said my daughter (who married at 28 to a guy she had lived with for 4 years) is experiencing a surge in the amount of wedding invitations and even same sex weddings.
I was married 32 years. My whole life involved that one person. I have never had another boyfriend and the thought of any one else in my life actually physically make me ill. I put up with so much and forgave him so many times that I will never put myself in that position again. I miss more than anything the spontaneous, lets eat out tonight, lets go to the pub for a drink, lets go to the cinema.I have got over the loneliness, I cope with being on my own now but I dont go out and cant ever see that changing. I will survive, of course, for my family.
I smile all day around my friends and work colleagues, I get in my car, shut the door and im back to that lost, lonely, desperately sad person whos life and dreams have been smashed.
I do think ages matters. At 55 I just want to be comfortable and confident. I am no longer a toned, skinny, beautiful, young thing. Im tired, wrinkly, everything's gone south and if I couldnt keep the man that grew and changed with me why would anybody else want to be with me.
At the moment I have to be content with me. Thanks for your thoughts. I think we have to class ourselves as "work in progress"
What makes you think that the man you might meet is not suffering from the aging process as well !!! lol.
Sometimes we forget that ''mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest one of all'', might not give the answer we want but then mirrors cannot see past the reflection to what lies deeper in our personality.
Great positive post Stimo - thanks for sharing!
You've obviously come a long way and kept looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.
Itsbeenalongtime : It was a long marriage and it's all you've ever known. The fact that you are a "work in progress" is a good thing. All progress no matter how small, is good as long as you keep moving forward you will get there. Some move on after a few years and some take nine years and don't even realise how far they have come until they come back and read their old posts. Just take your time, don't feel pressured to move on, be a little bit selfish and take care of number one. You can't expect others to see your worth and beauty until you see it in yourself. Learn to love yourself, wrinkles and saggy bits'n all and one day you will realise that people don't see those wrinkles when they look at you and they will just see you for the beautiful, kind person you are.
Age will only matter if you let it. Take a step outside your comfort zone and define a new "normal". My friend who divorced in her 50's became very independent. She threw herself into new hobbies and even went on holidays alone. As a result she made lots of new friends and no longer feels that there is a void in her life. It won't happen overnight, but the only thing that will stop you from being happy is yourself.
Words are a lot easier than actions - I know that only too well - but sometimes overcoming the toughest challenges reaps the best rewards.
Thanks Stimo, it's so hard to believe that we will heal when we start out on here, yet most of us do.
I am two years into the journey after a long and not very happy marriage.
Of course there were good parts but my ex husband was hard to live with in so many ways, many of which I hadn't realised until after we separated.
Friends keep saying how brave and strong I have been but if I am honest once you make that decision it's easier to accept there is a better life out there somewhere and just keep walking towards it.
I have healed a great deal and no longer fear every knock at the door but doubt I will ever be in any kind of relationship again.
To not have to be responsible for someone else's happiness and under constant stress is quite an amazing sensation, and like many divorced people I am relishing being in control of my own life and decisions.
I love reading and gardening, enjoy whatever tv I like and eat when I choose and sometimes just toast!
If you had told me at the start I would feel that happy sensation ever again I would have said it was impossible, but it isn't, it just takes time for acceptance on both sides and enthusiasm for a fresh start. Mine has been a change of home, joining some clubs and making new friends, and a new hobby.
Would I swap this life for my old one?