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Here comes the anxiety again

  • Rob6
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26 Apr 17 #491495 by Rob6
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The divorce was finalised last month and I've been doing okay up until the last week or so but the anxiety has come back in waves. I just feel this is a never-ending process. I actually initiated but what we had was pretty unsalvagebale, yet the finalising of it all has me obsessing in my mind about whether I have done the right thing, flashbacks of all the good times etc. Just feel anxious and maybe a bit depressed too and hoping to see the light soon. What are other people's experiences of this once they finalised? I was thinking once the papers were through that's the end but it doesn't feel like that way now.

  • Bubblegum11
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27 Apr 17 #491564 by Bubblegum11
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Hi Rob,
I think what your feeling is perfectly normal in the divorce process. I've just sent in my form for the Absolute and I've been separated for six years, haven't missed being married to my STBX for a single minute, yet still got a strange sinking feeling having completed the form. For me it's a sort of sense of failure and the Absolute is like a certificate with a "F" for FAILED on it! It is a significant milestone in the divorce process so don't be too tough on yourself for having these mixed feelings.

I'm constantly having a battle with myself and trying to balance the irrational thinking with common sense. I guess we're entering the world of the unknown and that is rather unsettling. I'm sure it will pass. I hope I will be able to remember the good times and not feel the 19 years of marriage were not a complete waste of my time.

I think it is important to reflect, learn and adapt form the experience and what you may be going through could just be part of this process.

I'm not the same person I was when I was married and I'm glad of it - I'm stronger, wiser and more independent now.

My advice would be give yourself time to process all the change in your life, to reflect and then embrace your new life and make your own opportunities to be happy! - That's the advice I'm giving myself anyway lol;) You will get there.

Have you sorted out all the finances - because that's an even bigger emotional journey from hell!

  • Rob6
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28 Apr 17 #491576 by Rob6
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Bubblegum,

Thanks for the response. Yes a lot of feelings are mixed in with having it finalised and mostly not good ones. I was very upset yesterday because even though I initiated, I didn't want this. Who does? That's the underlying sadness of it all. If we could've worked things out we'd still be together but we're not. It really is grieving I think because it's finally over.

  • Clawed
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28 Apr 17 #491577 by Clawed
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I filed for divorce because my ex met someone else, there was nothing I could do to save the situation and I've been happier without him but when my absolute came through I was gutted. Plenty of people who had been through it had warned me so I was prepared to some extent but the feeling of failure was huge and with it the flashbacks and what if's and thoughts about how I could have done things differently. I think grieving is exactly what it was for me but for what I wished we'd had rather than what we did have, today I am happy and can look back on the many good parts of my marriage and appreciate them but I can also see that where we ended up wasn't somewhere I wanted to be and that ex did me a favour by being the one to call time. It's 12 months since my absolute now, I can't remember how long it took me to get to this happy place, it was a gradual realisation, you will get there, feel the feelings but don't take them too seriously they will pass.

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28 Apr 17 #491579 by Rob6
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Thanks Clawed, that post really resonates with me. Sorry you had to go through it but it's so good to hear other people's experiences because I don't really know anyone else who's divorced and people who haven't been there don't get it. It's like you feel people who haven't think I should be way over this by now but it's not that simple.

I totally get the flashbacks and the what-ifs. It is driving me absolutely crazy, the almost constant obsession with it. I am praying this was fade away because I know a divorce was necessary.

  • WinterFrost
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03 May 17 #491794 by WinterFrost
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I had anxiety attacks when I would wake up in the night sweating and have flashbacks all the time, even though I've been divorced for two years. I think this is normal although for some it can last longer than for others. Unfortunately, I'm in the former category. Keep posting on here, we can help each other get through this crap. Someone once told me that moving house is the most stressful thing you can do. Believe me, it isn't.

WF

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03 May 17 #491810 by Rob6
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Winter, thanks for the response. Yes I can totally empathise with you. I was a bit of an anxious person before but the divorce process has taken it to a whole other level.

I was always a bit of an up and down person in terms of mood too but I've never experienced such an awful rollercoaster ride as I have with divorce. What so disillusions me is I've had several periods throughout this process where I'm feeling really good and positive and then something will trigger me and I am back in that pit of despair again.

I just want to get back on an even keel. I am doing all the right things like eating well, exercising, even having therapy but it is like this thing won't shift. When I had downs in the past they would swiftly go but this process has drained me.

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