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I just miss her

  • andy317
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16 May 17 #492257 by andy317
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As strange as it seems I know she broke my heart but I'll always defend her, she's a lovely caring person, who just didn't do anything to try and keep the family together, she decided I was longer any use and I had to go, I've taken that to be a massive attack on me and don't really know which way to turn to put my life on track. It easy for me to say I'm not going to let it bother me, then all of a sudden it's back.

  • Declan
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16 May 17 #492286 by Declan
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All too easy to take it has a personal attack and fall into victim mode. Which ,in turn will eat at your self esteem, self worth and feeling not good enough. WELL.... THATS ALL IT IS A FEELING.. it is not you.Dispel the lie that you are not good enough.

Once someone decides that they no longer want to be with you, just let them go. Nothing wrong with you Andy. Just no longer fitted together that is all.

You do not need her... you will come to see this. I would personally totally concentrate on my needs. My development , my progress. WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY... get out of her business and into your own. find the real Andy eh. Develop your passions, create , share stuff with like minded people... lose yourself in it all... before you know it your world changes. You, will no longer cling to what was or romanticise it. You will be in the here and now. Which, come on is all we have . The rest is made up in our head. Go lose your fears. Do not get stuck in it .
The danger is you will get used to the pain and identify with it. Thinking of Ex 24/7 will leave scars my friend. Also think about it, you are cutting yourself off from real love and life.

It is not your job to try to keep the love alive after your Ex decided that they don't want to be with you any longer.

Whats your fear.

is it of the unknown
being alone
not being able to handle it
not being loved not being worthy .

Fears everywhere you look eh. And that is all they are.

One of the positive things about recovery done the right way is that it uncovers false beliefs .One of them being that you love your Ex so much.
You may come to realise it was not love at all.. it was masking insecurities. And now the mask has gone. Some become very needy at this point.

So...

Take a positive outlook and strategic action. It really is that easy and that hard.

You have the answers Andy.... I don't .... I just know what worked for me and brought me peace and happiness. I have dealt with my stuff and more . Believe me I had good support from professionals. I had a double whammy to deal with ...Never, be afraid to seek help. Nothing too fear.

You and you alone have to decide, no more pain and suffering . Thats it you done with it now.

Time to rise up, dust yourself down and take a very hard honest look at yourself. Make the right decisions for you. Ask yourself the tough questions, the difficult ones . Then question yourself more and then more until you reach the core problem. takes some peeling away and can be uncomfortable. However, keep going the answer will come. Then onto the next issue. and so on until there is nothing more left. You will feel lighter and brighter more alert. Nature will look good . You will know yourself and where your future lies. As for the Ex... she will be someone you once knew . you may look at her and wonder why she held so much sway, why , you may even feel sorry for her. Happened to me...

Wishing you well on your journey, and I hope that you find what it is you are looking for.

D

  • killbill
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19 May 17 #492407 by killbill
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Andy,
You are allowed miss her and what you thought you had as no one can put a time on how long feelings take to subside, but there is a lot you can do for yourself too.Even with low self esteem.
Think if all the new things you would like to try. Join meet up groups to get yourself out and about more to get yourself out of your comfort zone.
You could even try volunteering. This is a great way to build your self esteem by helping others.
New hobbies where you have to focus on something else besides your feelings will help to strengthen your mind as well.
So give something a try that you haven't done before.

  • Kazzz
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20 May 17 #492427 by Kazzz
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Before I got divorced I once heard a group of men in a pub sitting lamenting about their ex's. They had something in common..years later they were all still going on about and stuck in the past,about being the loser financially and emotionally,none of them had moved on or had any insight into their contribution to the break-up,nothing but negativity,no hope of moving on or finding someone with their attitude. Really read the replies here...get lots of ideas how you really can make that change. You either have to try to move on or stay trapped in a vicious circle of negativity. Decide to not waste a moment of your life any longer and you will do it Xxx

  • zxbird
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13 Jun 17 #493263 by zxbird
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Andy, after reading you post i can surely say that in any relationship it is unbalanced, one person will always love and care for the other more, a lot of the love you had for your wife carried your marriage further than it would have lasted if you were more like her. My marriage only ended 2 days ago, already i realise that i loved her a lot more than she ever loved me. It was only evident when she left as she bounced into another mans arms who she tells me she loves more than life itself and wants to stay with him forever, she once told me that many years ago. I will always have a part of me that would take her back in a second, but i know i have to move on and take all the positives from my life and spend it on another woman. I truly believe that it is when you find another woman to spend your life with you will hopefully get over this horrible felling of inner loneliness that you harbour this feeling of an unbroken spirit you will always have and it only right you do as it tells you you are a good person and you loved her for the right reasons. I will always love my ex until the day i die, i hope this never changes as we had a son and the bond was made. Your ex is sitting inside your soul and you have to manage this in a more positive way if it is eating you up, another relationship is what i want but it might take some time, i wont be changing as my ex told me to, i love me as i am, another woman will see this and hopefully i can replicate my love i had for my ex, to do anything else would be dishonest to me.
I sincerely wish you a happy and more importantly a contentful future where you can love again without looking back as much.

  • SallyMac
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13 Jun 17 #493266 by SallyMac
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Hi Andy, so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I just want to say that I also grieved for 5 years when my 16-year marriage ended quite abruptly and unexpectedly and I can tell you now it was a complete waste of time - I made the mistake of reconciling with my ex after er separated and well it was a total disaster. Just waiting for my Decree Absolute now.

What am I trying to say? The mind is very treacherous when we grieve we cling on to the happy memories and downplay the bad. The ex is idolised and we mourn a future we were obviously never going to have. I think eventually even if she had stayed her behaviour (consciously or unconsciously) would have reflected that she wanted out which does not equal 'happily ever after.'

The other thing is that you have changed too! Even without realising! You survived - it hasn't broken you so there's a good foundation to build on. It's not easy shifting focus from the past to the future, but dwelling on it prevents you from moving on and establishing other relationships - social or otherwise, so If you have anything on your bucket list now would be the time to work towards achieving it! All the best! Rooting for you!

PS - Mindfulness helped me immensely!

  • MrsClueless
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11 Aug 17 #495372 by MrsClueless
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Hi Andy,

Hang in there! I suffer terribly with low self esteem, so I can understand a little. I found life coaching to be very helpful during low points of my life. Its also great to read self help books, a lot of them make you view the world differently in a good way. If you don't like reading, try watching a view videos on Youtube, I personally watch TEDtalks videos, they really are inspiring.

You aren't alone in this and you certainly aren't boring. Just because the two of you don't share the same interests doesn't mean either of you are worthless, just different to one another.

Its ok to miss her. You will one day be happy and at peace.

all the best

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