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Get me outta here!

  • Adrift
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15 Aug 17 #495520 by Adrift
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Well, I sorted out my complex tax situation and renounced my U.S. citizenship so it's full steam ahead on the divorce. I filled in the new divorce petition form yesterday and posted it off special delivery to Bury. I also paid my solicitor the sum requested for my client account and instructed her to advise me on the actuary report. At the weekend I pretty much completed my form E. I just need some information from STBX who fortunately isn't trying to thwart the proceedings. He's the one who wanted out anyway.

I hate the guy I married now. Once divorced I don't want to see or hear from him again. We have adult children so there is no need for the contact. However I can't see the point of causing unnecessary delays or racking up huge bills. I would love to hand the whole of the financial negotiations over to my solicitor and not have to deal with him at all but I really need the money in my purse. STBX wants to be friends with me but I just can't see that happening. I wanted that at first but have changed my mind. I've invested far too many years in him. What a waste of time. He's got a brilliant career. I've got a poxy job. I went back to work part-time last April. I'm a grafter with an inability to earn a decent wage but it gets me out of the house for a few days a week.

For the last few months I have been holed up in my bedroom, formerly 'our' bedroom. I feel so low despite being on strong anti-depressants for months. I am taking steps now to leave the home and rent a small place for myself. I went to a few estate agents at the weekend to register. One female agent asked if I was currently renting. I explained that I was leaving the family home due to divorce. She gave me a knowing look and said she'd been there, done that and bought the T-shirt. STBX offered to move out instead. I would rather it be me who leaves because I don't want reminders of a life I once had every time I walk through the door. I told him he could have the bulk of the furnishings. Any souvenirs from our travels...all his. It's nearly our would-have-been wedding anniversary. I burned our wedding photos to commemorate the event. Later that day I tripped outside and fell flat on my face. I look like a battered wife. Maybe that was punishment for burning the photos.

People keep saying I'll get through it, will be better off, etc. I'd still rather jump off a cliff right now.

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20 Aug 17 #495662 by IvorProblem
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I know the feeling as do many here, but "Keep off the Cliff"! There's no changing your mind half way down.

I didn't want out, but she clearly does ... I guess there's a point when things "aren't working" and then maybe some mental gymnastics come into play and add some brain chemistry: before long the aggrieved party MUST hate the other. Divorce isn't the kind of thing that you bring on someone that you think may be a bit 'meh'.

I was tolerant of STBX sullying my name under the assumption that her mental illness at the time was clouding their judgement. In retrospect I rather think their Judgement was driving the whole thing and banging the gavel down hard for their ears. (I'll be reading the dating columns - a long time away in the future - with particular regard for GSOH!)

Anyway, their behaviour informs that stbx MUST hate me.

We've also just had a significant anniversary. I thought long and hard for all of the 3 seconds before I appended the words "happy anniversary" to my last contact. I wish they were, but recognise for both our happiness our futures lie in separate directions.

They're leaving the FMH soon and our wedding photos are still there to take. I'm guessing they'll be left though. I might pack the films away somewhere and burn the prints.

That is unless there's already a pile of ash in the garden and she turns out looking battered!

Its ok she's not American, but who can trust what anyone says any more? More lies from the X this week! After watching the twisted plot of the Spanish film 'the body' on BBC iplayer, at least she's managing to look like a rank amateur.

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02 Dec 17 #497926 by skinny lizzy
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Hi, I sympathise and feel pretty much like you do. I carry a bag of pills around with me to remind me that I can opt out any time I like, which in some strange way makes me think I wont give him the satisfaction. I too stayed at home to raise our daughter for 7 years, just doing little cash paid pin money jobs (I once had a good career) and now feel like he's saying he's paid for everything. I need to charge him for 7 years childminding then in my opinion.

I just can't get him out of our home - me and my 11 year old daughter hate it when he's there but we can't do anything about it. There seems no end to it - I just want to wake up and it be over.

So chin up, and yes one day it will be over but it's a rocky road until then. Feel free to chat ok

Barbara

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03 Dec 17 #497929 by Adrift
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Hi Barbara

It will end eventually for us all. What happens between now and then, well, try and take as much control as possible, don't let the ***** wear you down. It sounds like you have an 11 year old ally to bolster you.

As for living under the same roof, I had a choice to hang around for as long as possible, tell him to move out or move out myself. The first choice was a no go for me. The second I considered but he said he would be dropping by continually to 'help' out. I wanted him out of my sight completely so I chose to leave in the end. I'm renting a small place for the time being. The FMH won't go on the market until next spring. I'd like to stay where I am for as long as possible before committing to buying another property.

Another change I more or less had to make was to 'maximise my income' by resigning from my part-time, low paid job and taking another full-time, slightly higher paid job. I'll never have the earning capacity he has but at least he can't turn around and say I'm lazy, expecting him to cough up spousal maintenance.

I am quite isolated where I am but I feel I need the space. My daughter stayed with her father but is desperate to move out. Unfortunately she has some major challenges and that's not going to be possible in the near future. I wish I could do more for her but I have my own challenges. So many changes does have an impact on ones health.

Best wishes for a successful outcome.

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17 Apr 18 #500785 by skinny lizzy
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Hi, you've said everything I've been through only mine won't leave the house even though it was him that caused us to go down this rout. The thought of jumping off that cliff seems like a welcome idea for me. It's so depressing but my inner self says 'why let that scum win'. His motivation is money for his 27 year old daughter who he feels sorry for - don't know why that's anything to do with me. I'm only concerned for my 11 year old. Anyway, he drags his heels expecting me to do the chasing of documents etc but you know what, things happen for a reason and I'm not rushing. He pays the bills although no food for me, just my daughter but that's just how he's made it. Me and my daughter really want to start living again but he makes it really hard work.

So, new thought for the day - don't stress, just chill and things will happen when they should.

Sorry, didn't help you much apart from knowing there are others out there in exactly the same position.

You would think in this day and age, the process would be so much simpler wouldn't you. I'm sure my life will be shortened because of this!,

B

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15 May 18 #501676 by Adrift
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Hi B

Hope you are still hanging in there. My STBX and I, although separated, would still share meals and chores. It didn't get that petty. I just couldn't stand being in the same house as him, particularly since he acted like he was having his cake and eating it too. I know I was lucky to be able to escape. It's not so easy if you have dependents and/or money is too tight to afford two homes.

Yes, the process is unfair. Someone always comes out better off, some extremely so. I feel I've had to line quite a few pockets to get to this point and I'm not yet done nor have I gone down the court route for financial settlement. I had a rocky road financially throughout the marriage and had just gotten back to an even keel when the D word was broached. Now I am living off a meagre salary, doing a complex and often distressing full time job. I come home stressed and go back to work the next day in the same state. I'm completely isolated.

I hope my life is shortened by all this because I don't foresee a great future and would rather not live for decades more, like my mother who is 96 and counting!

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