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Still struggling

  • Fifty plus
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09 Nov 17 #497510 by Fifty plus
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I haven't posted for a while as I thought I was moving on. I was working hard looking after my sons- but suddenly that has all collapsed. It has been 16 months since my husband left but I feel worse than ever. I can't stop crying. I've been trying to get out and do things but in many ways it all just feels futile. I've had counselling I know this is all about loss but I get so frustrated. I want to move on and find a new life but I don't seem to be able to do that. Why am I feeling so sad? I was with my ex for 25 years - he left me for someone else. I try not to show any bitterness to my sons although the whole thing has left me feeling pretty worthless. One son has just left for uni and one is taking GCSEs- I have to stay strong from them but I am struggling. Any advice would be appreciated.
P x

  • Clawed
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09 Nov 17 #497518 by Clawed
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The loss of your son (to Uni) has probably re activated your upset at the loss of your marriage, I had several set backs when circumstances 'triggered' old feelings, luckily as I knew what to do (same advice, eat, sleep and exercise, talk to people in a similar situation etc) the feelings passed quicker. Keep trying it sounds like you are doing all the right things and this feeling will pass even if at the moment you feel like you're going backwards. Glad you came back and posted, take care.

  • ontherightpath
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30 Nov 17 #497898 by ontherightpath
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Hello fifty plus,

I hope you don't mind me chipping in.
I think it is normal to have these feelings bubble up again with your son moving on to uni. When a long marriage ends we can feel lost, for me it feels like my role in life as wife/mother is no longer needed{ I will always be a mother}. First its the ex, and then the children start to move on in their lives. I do think it is important to remember that you have raised your children to be strong and independent young people and them moving on with their lives is a huge credit to you and what every parent hopes to achieve.
You have thrown yourself into caring for your sons which has occupied you and helped you cope with the end of your marriage. Now maybe be kind to yourself, try to find something that makes you happy. I really do understand how difficult this is, but once you find a little motivation grab it with both hands and run with it :)

  • polar
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01 Dec 17 #497911 by polar
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Same happened to me. In my case my daughter supported me 100% through this but she also had her life to lead. My daughter went to a uni 100 miles away and someone dropped in a throwaway comment. They haven't left you they are only 2 hours away. When you look at things from a different angle it helps.

  • elizadoolittle
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04 Dec 17 #497949 by elizadoolittle
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I know what you mean. It can feel as though first your husband left you and now the kids. Even though children leaving is in the natural order of things, and of course you want them to be independent and so on, but I know that in my case, it has brought me up short. What is the point of me?? For 25 years wife and mother, and having people to look after, feed, comfort, take on holiday, plan trips and so on. Always what THEY want or need. It doesn't happen to everyone but it happened to me, and all of a sudden I can eg cook what I like when I like, and I no longer know what I like.

It is not easy, this empty nest coming on top of separation.

If it helps: to my surprise, living alone after being in a big family is quite nice!! Even though I live in the back of effing beyond (because my ex squandered all our money and I had to downsize v drastically and move out of town). So, what with having to get a job after 20+ yrs as a stay at home mum, and so now having a v long commute (job is near my old home!) I do nothing except work. But it's OK. I have virtually no social life and virtually no money - two things I dreaded. But it's OK.

BTW it hasn't all collapsed - you still have your younger son. But I know that the house probably feels quiet and empty. And you know that in a couple of years he will likely be off as well.

Time to devote some attention to what YOU want to do. I am trying to coax that long quietened voice in my head and see what I actually want, and work out how I can get it, starting in my mid 50s and virtually penniless. It's true that in an ideal world I wouldnt be starting from here. But it's better than nothing!

And 16 months is no time, really. You're doing fine.

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