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How do you know when to walk away?

  • Dizmoo
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03 Feb 22 #518789 by Dizmoo
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My husband is suffering from depression and we are now four months into him being diagnosed. I recently came through treatment for breast cancer and of course, it’s had a huge affect on him. My treatment went on for 6 months before covid and my op was during lockdown as was my radio. During this time my hubby carried on working but being high risk and shielding we lived apart in the house (hes a manager of 140) to protect me and one of my grown up daughters who also is high risk. When things were safer we returned to a normal life and everything was fine until we went away for a much needed weekend in November, where after a six hour drive he suddenly announced he wanted to go home, which we did. He was then signed off for two months. During this time he became extremely angry as well as depressed. Anything I said was wrong and I was constantly walking on eggshells. He wouldn’t look at me and interaction was minimal. He was referred for some counselling to establish if he was an alcoholic … he was drinking at least six tall cans of beer per night and more at weekends but apparently they said he only drank due to the pressures of his job (hes a manager of a food factory and the stress and pressure is huge). He drank zero alcohol beer for a while but we are now back onto 3%. He’s returned to work as he did for a while seem better. I have asked him a few times if he wants to be here and he assures me he does. But this doesn’t show in his manner. There is no intimacy, and I struggle to get a hug. Majoritively he won’t look at me and talk is minimal although sometimes everything seems ok. His moods can change within seconds and he can get very agitated very quickly. He leaves for work at 5am to start at 5.30 but goes to bed at 6.30pm, saying he’s so tired and yet takes tea, sweets and chocolate with him.
before all this we used to laugh a lot, hug a lot and life was a big giggle. I feel he has no respect for me in certain situations and I actually wonder if he still loves me. Last weekend we were walking around Aldi like we weren’t together and in the queue he totally turned his back on me. Then, randomly, glimpses of the old hubby appear. When I was feeling completely low the other day, he walked into the room and kissed my forehead and left. This raises my hopes again. I’ve learnt to say nothing about his behaviour for fear of an outburst where he will shout/walk off/drive off. I’m clinging on for dear life, hoping and praying it will all somehow go back to ‘normal’. I do love him dearly but after getting through cancer treatment I feel the need to live my life to the full and up until his original meltdown he felt the same way. My cancer was very aggressive and it’s expected that it will return. What is slightly unnerving is that he seems to speak to his workmates ok, he gives love and cuddles to the cat!! (yeah I know that’s funny - but when you’re stood there watching it, and you’re getting nothing it’s not) and he seems a bit more settled with my grown up daughters. He has zero patience (he possibly has an ADHD problem which is being looked into) and is angry a lot but he has freely admitted this to his doctor who this week upped his medication. He was on medication previously(which worked well) as his moods were very up and down but the medication got changed to new tablets when this new episode happened.
So, can anyone help me out with what to expect when someone is depressed or does it vary. I keep telling him that I’m there for him and I would do anything to make all this better. But on the other hand it’s really beginning to affect me in a really negative way. I don’t want to leave our marriage but does there come a point when you need to. I really have no idea what I should be doing. I do know that some days I’m being pushed to my limit and it’s making me really unhappy. Thank you for any help or advice

  • Finallyleavinghim
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03 Feb 22 #518791 by Finallyleavinghim
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Everyone always said to me, you will just know when it's time. I thought that time would never come as I couldn't have imagined wanting to leave up until a year ago, mainly because we have young children, but seeing the devastating effect now that our continued relationship has had on them, I now know its time. I just couldn't see it before, but now its as clear as daylight and I'm focussed on the goal of resolving it and us all hopefully finding some happiness. Different circumstances in some ways as things have become so bad that I don't feel any affection for him anymore especially after how nastily he's treated me lately. But I understand all too well the devastating mix of breast cancer, alcohol, depression and needing to live your life to the full after what we've been through. And by the way, I'm 5 years on from that initial diagnosis of aggressive BC. Never give up hope x

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04 Feb 22 #518798 by Dizmoo
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Thanks very much for your reply. It’s always good to hear a positive story ( breast cancer). As with regards to the hubby, yes I gather you will know when the time is right. There will come a point I guess. Just hoping it doesn’t happen

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