Why does he keep hurting me?

My husband told me he was leaving me in August, and left. Then he came back for a week, and I made some changes, which he did acknowledge. Then he left again, saying it was wrong and we were not soulmates (after 23yrs of marriage). A few days later, he was sobbing and wanting to come back, I was hesitant but he came back, then left again. I stopped answering texts etc and only spoke if it concerned the children. I had organised counselling for myself, but he seemed so low, I gave him the appointment. After this appointment, he came back to pick up some things but ended up breaking down and saying he knew he wanted to stay with me, and kids, and we could work things out together. He said he had stopped 'swinging' and realised that I was not his problem, but he got himself a bit lost and mixed up. For over a week, he then hugged and hugged me, rang and texted me and was too over the top for my liking, but I thought he meant it all and didnt want to upset him, but just said that he should take it a bit slower and I was scared that he would just hurt me yet again. Guess what? He went to counselling a few days ago and from then he has virtually ignored me, started going out at night again, going to work early and getting back late. I have tried to talk to him, but he just sits there and gives me a look to say - what is your problem, and says yes or no whenever he feels its appropriate. I am so unhappy, I don't know what to do. I haven't heard from him at all today again, whereas last week he would ring/text me two or three times. I just know all I am going to get is a text or call to say he will be late home. Down to hurtland I go again.

Shadow,

He said he had stopped 'swinging' and realised that I was not his problem, but he got himself a bit lost and mixed up.

Who or what does he think he is? You are far too nice to him. He is taking terrible advantage of your good nature and kindness. What on earth is his counselor telling him?
His behaviour is completely unacceptable and unreasonable. Yes, he is having a crisis, but he has to take some responsibility for his actions and behaviour and stop playing out his insecurities on you. He either wants to be married to you, or he doesn't. It is cruel to keep playing this 'now I do, now I don't game' with your emotions.

You say he has been to counseling himself. Have you been yourself yet? Have you ever been together? Could you do that? Lay it all bare together? You both need to understand where the other is coming from. If he does not have the committment and drive to make things work and better for both of you, then he should do the decent thing and leave. Permanently.

How are the children reacting to his behaviour? Do they not think it is a bit strange that Dad appears to be losing the plot?

Shadow, you deserve much better than he is giving you at the moment. Please don't let him mess with your head like this. Ultimatum time. Fix it, or go. You have your own health and sanity to consider, let alone providing stability for the children.

Hope you can persuade him step up to the mark and make his decision. Be kind to yourself.

Mike

Thanks Mike
I haven't been to counselling yet, I was waiting for a while to see what sort of counselling I was going to need - as a single parent, or as part of a couple! We did have counselling together a few years ago and it really helped, but I feel that this is very different. It was for a totally different reason then, and he wasn't like this at all. I think that counselling together would not be worth it now, as he would say one thing and do something different. He said that he really wanted us to work and that he would be more thoughtful, a better husband and father (his words not mine). After a few days he just goes back to how he was before, and this has happened alot over the years.
I have a 17yr old daughter who has mostly been 'updated' as things have happened, and she thinks that daddy needs some help. My 11yr old son only knows that daddy left once, but came back again, the rest was kept from him and he was told that daddy was busy at work. (He has his own problems and I couldnt bear the way he reacted when husband first left, so I kept up the pretence).
I really thought we could work things out, but now I feel very sad, upset, hurt, and very very very disappointed.

I think that counselling together would not be worth it now, as he would say one thing and do something different.

The counseling doesn not necassarily result in a reconciliation. It is about bringing closure to the issues that you have as individuals and as a couple. Sometimes that closure can be as a couple, sometimes as two individuals. But it helps both of you to find the reasons for where you have got to, and to see the way forward for you both, individually, or as a couple.

I think your 17yo has it about right - Dad DOES need some help. First step is some honesty. With himself. THe eleven year old is a very different thing. He is mature enough to have strong views, but perhaps is not mature enough to understand the circumstances fully. Very hard one to deal with.

I really thought we could work things out, but now I feel very sad, upset, hurt, and very very very disappointed.

I am sure that you do. But you can take solace in the fact that you have tried your level best to make it work. You have bent over backwards to give him the space that he needed. You could not have tried harder. But it takes two to tango. And if one leaves the dancefloor..... what then?

I really do think that counseling together with an open mind could help you see through some of the 'what if' and 'why' and 'when' questions that are and will continue to be haunting you.

Mike

Hi shadow

Sorry you’re feeling down and hurt. I can empathise with where you are right now. He is constantly changing his mind about what he wants and in the meantime you are left dangling not knowing what is going on or what to do. The trust is damaged and it’s hard to try and rebuild it.

My x2b went through a similar process of not knowing if he wanted to be with me and my son or to leave. I really struggled through this time and was very low in confidence and my feelings for him were very confused. He seamed to think it was ok to leave me for months not knowing if he wanted to be married or not.

I can look back now and see what I should have done but I was not strong enough to do it at the time. I should have told him to go and taken control of the situation instead of letting him hurt me the way your husband is hurting you.

You must remember you too have choices and think about what you want. Be honest with yourself about how you feel.

Looking back if I had been honest with my self I would have accepted that things were not fixable but I didn’t want to believe that was the case.

You must think about you in this and your children and do whats right for you. You deserve to be treated better than this.

(((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))

Ivory X