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interested to know what you think of this...?

  • Bobbinalong
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18 Oct 08 #57801 by Bobbinalong
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.....put it under the heading stress as I think stress may make you do different things, different to what you would normally do, so; I was dropped the bombshell by my wife, 'i dont love you anymore, i think you shoudl move out...'
What happened over the next few weeks, moved so fast, i found out so much, this person i had trusted so implicitly over the last 5 years... i didnt know her, i looked round the house, when did she get this, where did the money come from for this? etc, i spoke to her friends, there's a new life lesson!!
SO i am a bit savvy or so i think i also love technology, I had a digital recorder as i had been involved in some redundancies at work and recorded various meeting for writing up minutes etc, I know this is morally wrong but I hid the recorder in the lounge its smaller than a mobile phone, a couple of times at opportune moments to be, THE FLY ON THE WALL.
I got some interesting info, some of it surprising, some of it pretty obvious really given her position.
One of her so called friends i had seen that morning, came that afternoon, with recorder positioned behind speaker grill, morally wrong i guess but, need to know basis...
So she did say she was coming round, hence the plant, when she arrived it basically took 5 minutes to spill out everything i had said to her, so life lesson umber 72 there.
Also, although not totally clear it appears wife has a secret wad of money and is starting to pass it to this friend, and or has something hidden in the house, when she said, 'he"ll never look under there' still replays in my head, and i've looked under every damn thing...LOL.
they both run a club and they did mention wife handing over some money each time at this weekly event...
Have also heard her on the phone to other friends telling HER woe and how i dont understand etc etc, this is after not saying anything but, 'i dont know why' to me.

SO, this is info only to me, a bit devastating, but also interested to hear what some of you think morally. I also realised if we get back together this info is deleted and buried and needs forgetting. BUT different relationship with her friends?
and... would you do it? there are various theories on peoples rights when they go to other people property, i mean i could have come unexpected back from work, be sat on downstairs loo, if I had walked out half way through their conversation, how embarrassed would they be??

  • marriaa
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18 Oct 08 #57807 by marriaa
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Hi,
welcome to wiki.
Sorry to hear you are in this position.The one who wants to move on is always at an advantage both mentally and financially,so I think if you can find a way of protecting your interest ,it is as immoral as your partner cheating on you.
take care

  • Sera
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18 Oct 08 #57810 by Sera
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Styve100 wrote:

... would you do it?


No. I wouldn't bother.

My ex rigged up a small camera (incl speaker) in the car. He said it was a SatNav... (he is a BBC trained Sound Engineer, has a Professional Recording Studio; and years of Audio knowledge)...and me ? I'm not stupid, and as a photogapher of 25 yrs standing, I know a Lens when I see one!

He also recorded all our telephone calls over three months. No threats were made to him in any of them.

He also bugged the house, so everytime he went out, I did stupid things, like started to talk to the walls! I saw an e-mail to his sister that said I should be committed, I played along with his idiocy!

He tried to make it look like I ruined his business; I didn't. However, he did transcribe phone-calls and brought CD's to the Court. (His Barrister bringing in a CD player, the judge asked her to leave it in the corner).

I paid £150 to an Audio Forensics Expert; who could prove the Cd's had been cut and edited; for what purpose I don't know (!?) The judge would not use any audio eveidence, and we agreed an Undertaking "NOT TO USE COLOURFUL LANGUAGE" between ourselves.

So what do you expect to find on your hidden audio evidence? Proof she's lying to you? If she is, and you get back together - do you forgive her, or do you continue this deception in case she's still lying?

Bottom line: If you don't trust her, get out of the marriage!

  • Bobbinalong
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19 Oct 08 #57856 by Bobbinalong
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Sera, this obviously went a long way for you, and truly cemented the hate between you, i guess you could never come back from that, sounds like he really went to town.
I think in my case, firstly i am interested in what people think of this and also stories like yours, which are the thin end of the wedge.
i think my best way forward with this is to, on reconciliation, get rid of the files, and take hold of the finances, which has always been an issue, i am sure we waste a lot of money, we always live hand to mouth and neither of us know where the money goes, in my present situation i am really taking control of the finances, i have to as i am running to homes. But I want to continue this if i return, and maybe take her away on that hot sunny beach and have no washing or cooking like she always wanted...
...without the kids for once.
I've been reading this' I love but am ot in love with you " book and it all seems to apply.
As long as she truly hasnt already decided on her plan and has really fallen out of love and does not want to reconcile, this is the i dont know bit.
Secondly its a reaction of the situation i was put in and personally i am always interested in what people think of me, call it insecurity if you like

  • Sera
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19 Oct 08 #57871 by Sera
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Until now, people have always said "If only I could be a fly on the wall" (with the natural curiosity that we hold as human beings)but with little regard as to what they'd do with the information if they had it.

In the Victorian times, people peeped through the keyhole; or pushed a glass tumbler against the wall.
Technology allows us to take this a step forward. However, unless you volunteer to go into the Big Brother House; I think any rigging up of any recording or surveylance equipment is a violation of human rights!

If we go to the bank, or use public transport we are protected against potential crime, and as a woman, I actually feel safer knowing I'm on camera.

But in a space where one feels they can talk at ease with friends, or pick their noses in private, I don't think these gadgets should be used.

Your marital finances are not yours to control. Your financial settlement will depend on both parties form E disclosure; and what you agree for each other.

What do I think of this: I think it is quite perverse; and tantamount to stalking!

  • rasher
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19 Oct 08 #57902 by rasher
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Hi Styve

I would say that if you are hoping to salvage your relationship this is very dangerous teritory. Once you know something you cant un-know it. Everybody goes there to some extent or another in relationship break down - whethers its scrolling through the other persons txts; scanning their emails; paying alot more attention to their post. Its natural that when someone says I'm not feeling the same anymore the first thing to go is the trust. Then you need evidence to believe anything they say.

But if you genuinely hope to get back with yr wife you need to get this information by talking to her not secretly checking up on her. The other problem with the spying is you only get half the story and it eats away at you wanting to know the rest. When you cant get at it; imagination will do the rest - that and your new friend paranoia.

My husband checked my phone, put 2 and 2 together and got 8; he could have caused me alot of trouble with his imaginings but most of all I could never ever trust him again. He was an insecure person and this behaviour goes with deep insecurity. The only time I think its legit is when you think someone is going to rip you off and you need to protect your financial interests. You havent learnt anything to give you grounds to let go of the marriage - just her telling her friends shes not happy. And her friends being loyal to her about your conversation. Nothing here is a surprise but if you get addicted to this way of re-gaining control over whats happening in your life you are going to destroy whatever chance you have of putting your relationship back together.

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19 Oct 08 #57908 by Sera
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Styve100 wrote:

....although not totally clear it appears wife has a secret wad of money and is starting to pass it to this friend


To be honest Styve, (and you might not like what I say, but you did ask what we think)....

you'd said you were thinking of taking over control of finances. I imagine that your wife may be aware of that; and if she is stashing money under the floorboards, or scurrying it away to friends for safe-keeping, I can't say I'd blame her. She may well need it!

Your behaviour will eventually make you more stressed and depressed. It smacks of insecurity (yours) deceit and distrust (yours) and your paranoia will eat you up and destroy any chance of reconcilliation.

There are things best left not known.

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