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In Denial....

  • em7609
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26 Jun 08 #28832 by em7609
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Have explained carefully to H that its over, have been careful not to apportion blame but simply to say what I feel and that its time for us both to move on. He seemed to accept that and after a short time away from the mat home he returned saying he wanted to stay here with the children until things are finalised.

Hes had a copy of the draft petition which is due to be lodged any day and has said nothing.

Hes constantly asking me out 'no strings' and suggesting cosy meals and time away from the kids to 'discuss' things. He wants things to be how they were 19 years ago, forgets how unhappy ive been for the last 10 and promises to put everything right. Its too little too late. Ive ignored most of his lovey dovey emails and comments to me around the house, said thanks for the gifts telling him he really shouldnt but how and when is he ever going to get the message?

Ring any bells with anyone?

I do hope he doesnt contest the divorce. It should be so cut n dried :-/

  • topaz
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26 Jun 08 #28835 by topaz
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hi em7609,
oh my goodness does it ring bells? absolutely.
my x did this to me 2 years ago,we didn't get quite as far as the petition stage then, THAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR.
if I say my marriage was a living hell for 34 years where everything I did he controlled you may get the picture.emotional abuse,mind games ..the lot.he treated me like a dog, and though he didn't want me he didn't want me to be free from him either.
anyway 2 years ago he "persuaded me" that he would change,yes I had the pressies,unwanted I must say but forced to accept.yes he took me out...until I dropped my intention of divorcing him.(I had already seen a solicitor to start the divorce.)
then the situation changed ,as soon as I dropped the intention of divorce it was much much worse than ever.he even tried to persuade me I was imagining it all.
I gave myself a year in which time to save as much money as I could towards paying future divorce fees.By the time the year was up it was worse than hell,I was suicidal.I had to get away one way or another from him.That was when I found wikki site thank goodness.with their help and support I could do it finally.
Anyway to cut it short....we spoke briefly and decided divorce was the way to go.thought it was too good to be true,his compliance...well his behaviour became again as you describe...cajoling,buying pressies,being asked out,being too, too nice.every refusal I gave inflamed his aggression and it has continued,still ongoing now.threats etc.make me pay.he has cost me over a thousand in extra legal fees by making untrue accusations during the divorce process.he has blocked me all the way.
my x hasn't come to terms nor accepted it.he's in total denial still.even his friends think he's still such a caring person because that is what he says.
he wouldn't let me buy him out of the house yet has gone ballistic because I'm packing my personal stuff ready to leave when house gets sold,it's a no win situation.he said he'd make my life hell and he still is.he was going to contest the divorce but his sol persuaded him not to.he then told me that he would divorce me after I had finished divorcing him.absolutely barking !!
but his hatred towards me now is so great he acts like someone who has lost all sense of reality.to make matters worse he is still in the house as he refuses to leave!!
I hope it's not like this for you.ours should have been a cut and dried divorce but wasn't.

  • em7609
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26 Jun 08 #28929 by em7609
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Thanks for the reply, your story does sound v similar. Im soooo sorry youve had so mush grief over this.

I do believe we are dealing with control freaks, something which never really dawned on me until I started this whole process of divorce. Hes just not prepared even on the divorce to lie down and be beaten. In conversations he uses the kids constantly as a reason to stay together which he knows really tugs at my heart strings. I now realise another reason why living with him has been so difficult, hes controlling, manipulative and wants everything his own way. At the moment I feel like an employee, working as many hours in the house that I can muster so he wont say Im not pulling my weight and withold maintenance.

Mr Nicey cant stay this way forever surely, there must come a time when he blows his top or resumes the sobbing....

  • confused999
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27 Jun 08 #29163 by confused999
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Control freak hmmmm! My wife has called me a control freak and narcissistic both allegations easy to levy and difficult to defend. Surprisingly when I saw a counsellor (after asking if I could see HER counsellor) my counsellor said “your wife sounds very controlling!” So what is ‘controlling’ and what constitutes a ‘control freak’. Of course there are obvious examples where one part physical controls the movements of the other. In our case my wife’s principal evidence of me being a control freak is that I have ultimate control over the decisions for major purchases; and I do. Why – because the money for these purchases has been paid into our joint bank account by my employer (when she has worked she has always kept that money for herself). She keeps telling me that although my employer is paying me my salary that she’s entitled to half of it and so should be entitled to access it as freely as I do. Call me old fashioned but I disagree and that, in her mind, qualifies me as a ‘control freak.’ My counsellor suggested she might be a ‘control freak’ when I told her how she stamped her feet screaming and shouting if I didn’t give her every detail of everything she asked for. And that isn’t just about making frivolous and unnecessary purchases it is often about me taking 2 afternoons off each week to play golf and not working on jobs around the house 24/7. Her rational is that because she cleans the house etc., every day I should be doing DIY every day; she doesn’t get a day off so why should I get a day off. And, I should be able to do several DIY jobs at the same time because she does several house keeping jobs each day. I’ve just ripped out and refurbished two bathrooms and she’s gone on strike refusing to do anything and wants a divorce unless I get onto the third bathroom immediately. So which one of us the ‘control freak’?

  • em7609
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27 Jun 08 #29197 by em7609
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confused999 wish I could answer your question lol!

All I know is Im not one and he is :)

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