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3 years and going

  • Phoenix2yk9
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25 Mar 12 #320047 by Phoenix2yk9
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I ask myself, has it been going on that long, separation and the divorce process, not the most straight forward situation that I have been through and yet I am waiting for the courts to seal a few orders and then declaring my Absolute.

Recently with the closure of the divorce coming, my mind has constantly been bombarded with images of good times with my ex, dispelling the hurt and pain I have and still endured with the humiliation of finding out my ex wife''s additional relationship and having to endure the bombshell of her conceiving a child with the guy she had an affair with, and yet I look at my ex fondly, gaaah curse my empathic heart

I have a very good social circle now, one that I enjoy and built over the period of recovery from the traumatic events of the destruction of my relationship, but yet I feel so unfulfilled and feel there is no one there to share my good and bad days, my triumphs and disappointments, in other words I feel empty and lonely, I don''t want anyone''s sympathy, but to just hear me.

I know there is still so much of my life to look forward to, I have a holiday later this year, but still I feel held back, chained down and feel not freed, I feel like everyday that passes by is just that, another day, I want something to change but I am not sure what it is. I do sound like a spaniel that has lost his sense of smell

  • survive
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25 Mar 12 #320049 by survive
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((( Phoenix))) You sound like you are feeling ''lonely'' even though you have this good social circle. I feel sure that one day you will meet that someone special to share the good and bad days with. In the meantime, think how far you have come and what you have achieved, even by building a good social circle, which is fantastic.

Take Care
Survive
x

  • tinkerbell1606
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25 Mar 12 #320051 by tinkerbell1606
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Hi Phoenix,
I have heard you. It''s a long and horrible process and closure is in sight.
You are mentally dealing with all the memories of what was, and soon will be no more.
In the three years that it has taken to get to this point you have undoubtedly been dealing with all the associated financial & emotional fallout.
This is very nearly at an end, I would imagine that might be why you''re reminiscing and finally finding the space to remember the good stuff.
It''s a painful thing but it means you''re moving on, and letting go, you finally have the space & time to grieve, for what might have been.
Just want you to know I hear you.
((((((()))))))

Best Wishes
Tink x

  • Dazed
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26 Mar 12 #320113 by Dazed
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Hi Phoenix,

Just wanted to add my support to others here. Strangely, I have been feeling kind of similar - I''m 3 years in, not divorced yet & finding it very difficult to fully move on. It''s not surprising really because until everything is done & the divorce is through, I''m still technically married & I don''t want to be his wife anymore. That just feels wrong now. Sad when it felt like the most right thing in the world all those years ago.

Like you, I have fond feelings towards my ex - despite his affair & the hideous times which followed. But I think this is OK - I spent too long carrying round much stronger feelings of hate, anger & revenge & not only did those feelings take over for a while, they weren''t doing me any favours. It''s way easier (for me anyway) to be able to hold the good memories sort of to remind myself it wasn''t all bad - despite ex''s inability to maintain his fidelity to me.

I actually had a counselling session last week - my first in 3 years - because I was worried that I hadn''t completely moved on & still felt sad from time to time. As my counsellor said to me - this is a traumatic process & we heal at different rates. Because I still have some contact with my ex & we are not yet divorced, I still feel slightly out of control & I really think that once this final piece of the puzzle is in place, then I will carry out my proper, final healing.

It''s great that you''ve come as far as you have & built up that social life. Don''t be too hard on yourself & accept that you may still have the odd down day - you''re been through a lot & your mariage ended in an awful way. As for having a good heart -well, that''s a lovely quality & even though it can cause us pain, I wouldn''t swap mine for the world. Rather a kind heart than one made of stone.

Take care Phoenix.

Dazed. x

  • Marshy_
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26 Mar 12 #320119 by Marshy_
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Hi P2yk9.

Phoenix2yk9 wrote:

but yet I feel so unfulfilled and feel there is no one there to share my good and bad days, my triumphs and disappointments, in other words I feel empty and lonely, I don''t want anyone''s sympathy, but to just hear me.

I know there is still so much of my life to look forward to, I have a holiday later this year, but still I feel held back, chained down and feel not freed, I feel like everyday that passes by is just that, another day, I want something to change but I am not sure what it is. I do sound like a spaniel that has lost his sense of smell


I understand what you are feeling. Its like perhaps loosing a limb. Or something is missing.

The real problem is its realy hard to unlearn something. Before yr ex, you were happy on yr own and becuase you had never experianced a serious relationship, you didnt miss it. Now you have experianced a full on relationship, you have something to miss.

There is of course a way to fill a hole in your life. And that of course is to fill it with another significant other. And that is what a lot of people do. But this is not what I am suggesting you do. What I think may be a better course of action would be that you become truly happy in your own company. Happy in your own skin. A more independent person that perhaps does not need someone to validate them or give them a reason to live and exist. If you like, you fill yr own hole :woohoo:Sorry, didnt mean it like that. But I hope you know what I mean.

People love independent people. People also like strong people and look upto someone that is happy on there own. And one day when you do meet someone that knocks yr socks off, you will be in a better place in yr head and will be able to make a more informed choice as to if this is right for you or not. Because you dont need to fill a hole. You just may want to instead. May being the operative word. I hope this makes sense. C.

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26 Mar 12 #320121 by Marshy_
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Hi Dazed...

Dazed wrote:

I''m 3 years in, not divorced yet & finding it very difficult to fully move on. It''s not surprising really because until everything is done & the divorce is through, I''m still technically married & I don''t want to be his wife anymore. That just feels wrong now. Sad when it felt like the most right thing in the world all those years ago

.

You said it in a nutshell. And this is why perhaps you cant move on.

I''m still technically married & I don''t want to be his wife anymore.

In your head you are still tied to him. Even though you are separated. But seperation and divorce are two seperate things. What you may find is that once you divorce, you will know that the ties that bound you to him are gone and you may feel that finaly, you can put this whole sorry mess behind you.

Like you, I have fond feelings towards my ex - despite his affair & the hideous times which followed.


Our feelings are funny things right? I remember sitting in Casualty perhaps a year after my split and wishing my ex was with me to support me. I was in a lot of pain and I needed her. Whats that all about? After all that she did to me and the amount of suffering she put me thru? But we cant tell our hearts what todo. We are bound to that person via an invisible string and that takes its sweet old time to break. But it wont go away until we server the ties with them. I dont feel like this about my ex anymore. I dont hate her. I dont feel anything about her. Nothing. Zip. Nada. And this will be you one day. He will be just someone you used to know and someone you dont see anymore. Despite what went on before. That will be firmly in the past. Where it belongs. C.

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