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Final Decision at long last....

  • Kittykatt
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31 Mar 12 #320978 by Kittykatt
Topic started by Kittykatt
As a few of you may know from previous posts I have been back and forth with my stbx since we separated 5 months ago and had been finiing making a decision very difficult.

After a few weeks of spending time together I quickly realised that things were not going to change, he was lying again already (not sure why I was even surprised!) but I also realised that the damage had been done and because of things he had done something has changed, how it is when we are together but also that I cant believe a word he says anymore. I think I was as miserable with him as I have been without him!

That was a week ago that I ended it for good and I have had what I would call a ''good'' week - which I haven''t had in 5 months. It is like something (something small) in me has changed but at the same time I am very wary and scared of going downhill again as I know from experience that this is a rollercoaster of emotions!

I am trying not to think about it too much else it may become a self fulfilling prophecy!

Having trouble sleeping the last couple of nights though, especially last night, either trouble getting to sleep and/or waking up in the night and everything going round in my head and not being able to switch off - any tips from anyone???

I am however proud of myself that I have decided not to be with someone who lies and cheats, even if this is very difficult to get through!


  • Shezi
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31 Mar 12 #320981 by Shezi
Reply from Shezi
Well done Kittykat

It is good to feel resolved about something that is making us miserable. Like you, I made the final decision to break but it was a decision I''d avoided for 2 years because I wanted the marriage to work.

Decisions like this are difficult because they lead to many other decisions. Making change invites lots of unknowns. However, the first, most important, step (according to me) is making a decision about a direction. Everything that comes along as you move down the road can be dealt with and managed - it doesn''t all have to be managed now. But knowing which direction you want to move in is worth its weight in gold. Because now you can begin to find some peace in your resolve - and that leads to finding peace within yourself.

Once I''d made my decision, my ex tried many times to change my mind and eventually said to me that I seemed very resolute. That''s what a person who has made up their mind looks like. But I was looking at someone who had destroyed a marriage.

The one who walks away from marriage is not always the one who destroys it...

Good luck


  • livinginhope
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31 Mar 12 #320986 by livinginhope
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Making a decision as to which is the best course of action to take does bring relief.I would think most of us have a period where we keep hoping things will be alright and we can fix the relationship and then we realise it is unfixable.
It took me five years to reach that point and whilst I''m still worried about what the future holds for me I am feeling stronger than I have for many years.
I think sleepless nights are fairly normal in the circumstances.A couple of things might help and one is Lavender oil.Put a couple of drops on Cotton wool or a tissue and put it on your pillow.I also find that if I can''t sleep getting up and having a drink of warm milk,preferably sprinkled with Nutmeg,can help.Eating a Banana with the milk helps too.There are ingredients in these things which are scientifically proven to help but I just can''t remember then,sorry:blush: At the very least you will be getting Calcium in your diet and 1 of your 5 a day:)

  • Kittykatt
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02 Apr 12 #321189 by Kittykatt
Reply from Kittykatt
Thank you Shezi and Livinginhope, in has been very tough and doubt still rears its head but I know deep down that it is right, I just have to stay strong. Yesterday I came crashing back down again (which was to be expected) this rollercoaster of emotions is getting very boring now!!

I wish I could say the decision bought me relief, I am not sure if it has but I know I cant be with someone that I dont trust and I know I deserve better then that so I am looking forward. It is very early days but trying to do things a bit differently this time.

Thanks for the advice with regards to sleeping livinginhope, I will give it a go and am looking into other things too. I know it is to be expected and alot of it is down to anxiety I think.

Shezi, luckily this time round he seems to have accepted it as I am not sure how strong I would be should I be faced with him constantly trying to resolve it (which he has done in the past) the problem is the feelings are still there I just know now that I cant and don''t want to be with him - he has caused too much hurt and its changed something.

It is really useful to have people that understand the other side, that it is really difficult to be the one walking away and making the decision (even if the decision is well founded!)


  • Shoegirl
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02 Apr 12 #321195 by Shoegirl
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Good on you for resolving to move on.

Know that in your specific circumstances, the chances of your Stbx recovering from his issues are statistically 5%. I wish someone had told me that years ago! But I don''t regret trying as hard as I did and neither should you.

Mine left but came back crying. So mine left me but I ended the marriage finally if that makes sense. It is quite common to feel as if you had no choice in the matter due to lying cheating and other unacceptable conduct.

Now it''s time to focus on you. What your future is and I know you are already working through all of that stuff.

Exercise helped me sleep so I was physically tired and also not worrying about disturbed sleep too much. It''s normal in these circumstances. For me it got better gradually over time.

I bang on here about no contact to achieve emotional distance and it helped me no end.

I totally agree with shezi that the one who walks away is not always the one that destroys the marriage. Sometimes, there is simply no choice because the behaviour is too bad from the spouse.

  • Kittykatt
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02 Apr 12 #321206 by Kittykatt
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Shoegirl, good to hear from you, I was thinking about you the other day! Thank you for all of your help, it really has been invaluable.

That statistic probably says it all! I think sometimes you can help people work through their issues but when there are constant lies it makes it impossible (or at least for me) i got to the point where I had to ask questions after question to try and get any truth but then I realised I couldn''t believe what he was telling me anyway because he had lied for so long and so much - he even admitted a while back that ''it became easy to lie to you''....

We had many other issues too, one being that when we actually separated last October it took him all of a few weeks to get involved with a woman who had been trying it on with him when we were together, supposedly nothing physical happened (if he was even telling the truth) but what he had done with her emotionally and he had also lied to me about stuff he had done with her - it was just too much to add on top of everything else. She is also a client of his - he is a massage therapist and for me that crossed the line, plus his issues (that you are aware of Shoegirl) made me question what he does as a job and if I could ever be happy with him doing that (which I now know I wouldn''t be).

Here is a question for you all.... even though you know it is over and that you don''t want to be with someone that treats you a certain way - how do you stop obsessing/getting worked up about them being with someone else??? That''s the most difficult part for me at the moment, I think it is because I have had to deal with the separation and him getting close to someone else so quickly. He moved in around the corner from me, I know what car she drives and just the thoughts can drive you slightly mad sometimes! I think I have dealt with alot of it already over the months but it is difficult again at times. any advice would be much appreciated!

I agree with the no contact Shoegirl, I have actually blocked his texts and calls, not to be nasty or vindictive (even though he has hurt me a great deal), I honestly don''t feel like that but so that I can have space to move on and come to terms with this. I know that what I did wrong last time was try to do everything at once, start the divorce, try to figure out where I wanted to live, if I wanted to change jobs etc etc and some of that involved contact with him so I have decided that this time around I am going to take a couple of months (or more) to come to terms with it all before deciding if I sell the house and move etc etc which means I can have at least a couple of months no contact to get my head straight.

I work out quite alot already (always have) but it doesn''t tend to help too much with sleep, maybe it will just come in time, some nights are fine others are very broken. I have just started taking something natural for anxiety so I hope that will help!


  • timetoheal
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02 Apr 12 #321210 by timetoheal
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Hi kittkatt,
well done to you for making this decision. It is difficult to stay strong and stick to it but you can do it.
I found that reminding myself that I deserved to be treated better than I had been helped me. It is important to remember that this does not need to involve anyone else as often when we are alone we treat ourselves better than we were treated in these kinds of relationships.
If you get strong feelings about him being with other women remind yourself that he has not dealt with his own issues and is most unlikely to in the future. He will carry all of these issues into any new relationship so chances are very slim for it being successful.
Keep moving forward and remind yourself that you are a good person, you tried, the reasons for your decision are sound and that one day you will look back and be very glad you got out. It is a roller coaster but remember over time the dips become less deep and less frequent and gradually the ride becomes smoother. It takes a little time but it does happen.
Stay strong

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