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Disappointed in Myself....

  • Kittykatt
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04 Apr 12 #321615 by Kittykatt
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Am doing ok (as have put in one of my recent posts) but some days have been really tough, I told myself I would do things differently this time and I have been but I checked a social networking site earlier (his page and the page of this girl he had been getting involved with) and I am really disappointed in myself.

I don''t know why I am trying to hurt myself by doing this, it was my choice and I stand by the fact I don''t want to be with him and I know by doing this I am focussing on him not ME but I have got through the temptation so many times and then for some reason have given in.

Why can;t I just let go???? grrrrrrrrr!!!

  • livinginhope
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04 Apr 12 #321625 by livinginhope
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Just keep working on it and don''t beat yourself up when you slip a bit.
Try and have something else to do when you feel like checking up on him.Also promise yourself a treat when you get through a day or even an hour without doing it.Lots of treats coming your way!

  • Marshy_
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04 Apr 12 #321629 by Marshy_
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Hi KittyKatt.

Dont beat yrself up about looking. Its normal to want to know. Even if it hurts. U havent let yrself down or anyone for that matter.

It doesnt matter who makes the decision. There will still be hurt and guilt. Hurt that this is over for you and guilt that did you have finally got rid of his sad sorry a*se. What I suggest is you firstly forgive yrself for making mistakes and for getting rid of him. We all make mistakes. And you did the right think in parting ways.

But there is something you have to learn sis. That is the ability to say goodbuy. We all have to learn it. And its difficult to learn. And also hard to harden yr heart to someone that hurt you so much.

Lastly, I have a theory as to why we want to hurt ourselves like this. I did it. Loads do it. I think we are numb. And we want to just feel something, anything. So we knowingly do things that will hurt us so that we can just.... Feel. And this is why we pry into places we know will hurt us. Like text messages, email messages and FB pages. We are like moths to a flame. You will do this again. And it will hurt again. But one day you will learn to say goodbuy and you want give a flying fick what he is doing on FB. C.

  • Shoegirl
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04 Apr 12 #321687 by Shoegirl
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Making a decision to walk away and letting go are two different processes in my view.

I went through this checking on Facebook etc and looking at the OW. Could not believe what he had left me for really, it still makes me smile. Anyway, I digress. Letting go takes time and gaining emotional distance. Over time, with the work you are doing, you will begin to see your former relationship in a different light. These processes albeit painful will result in you letting go of him. From experience, thats when I lost the desire to check his social networking etc.

At first, I had to go cold turkey and not look at this stuff as it upset me too much. What helped me was reminding myself that my Stbx was not emotionally available to anyone due to his own issues. So any relationship he had would not be real and by that I mean a true heart connection with another. Once I realised that I was participating in his ridiculous fantasy world by looking at his collection of Facebook women, I lost the desire to waste a moment of my time looking at it.

Because with your Stbx''s specific issues, everything he builds will be based on lies and manipulation. The social networking stuff is merely an extension of his fantasy world.

Smoke, mirrors, fantasy and delusion. That''s what you are looking at on his social networking pages. Because he ain''t capable of anytthing else. Once you start to see this for yourself, the content on these sites will stop upsetting you. But don''t be too hard on yourself as letting go takes time even if you know it is the right decision for you. It''s the loss of all the hopes and dreams too remember. Grief can''t be skipped over, but you seem strong and you will work through it. In your own time.

Take care x

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04 Apr 12 #321689 by Shoegirl
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Can I just make sure I reflect the contribution of sailor girl and Dakota who staged their own wiki intervention too which stopped me looking at stbx Facebook for good.

Ladies I am forever in your debt! ;)

  • redwine47
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04 Apr 12 #321692 by redwine47
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Ive looked at ex facebook, bit sad & disappointed that they felt necessary to post new lady friend only because my children are able to see this and where not aware.!!

I think we all like to have a look at whats going on in other peoples lives. Whether it be the ex on facebook, our friends, relatives etc. Nothing wrong with being nosey its natural thats all.

Also I think its better to be updated on whats going on than finding out face to face..... at least you can be prepared.

  • Kittykatt
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05 Apr 12 #321790 by Kittykatt
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Thank you to all of you - you have no idea how much your words, views and advice help, they really really do! My counsellor could not have explained it better!

Living in hope - I think I will start with the wine as a treat ;)thats a good idea thank you.

Marshy - very wise (as always!) can always rely on you for some grounded and truthful response. You are right about the saying Goodbye bit and hopefully in time that will come (the quicker the better!) I know it is still very early days and maybe I am expecting too much of myself. I know if I keep checking up on him then I will stay in ''this place'' and not truly let go or move forward - so the sooner I stop the sooner I can truly move forward.

Shoegirl - your posts make me cry (in a good way!) you completely understand (due to the similarity in situations)you are spot on - when we were ''spending time together'' before I made the final decision he actually said to me he thinks he uses FB/Twitter/the internet as another addiction but he doesn''t see it as REAL. Its just as you say fantasy. I hadnt really thought about it since. THANK YOU :)you really have no idea how much your adice and understanding is helping!

Redwine - yes I think it is a bit of that, your right it doesn''t matter who it is its part of human nature to be a bit nosey!

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