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I think i am being totally blind to the obvious

  • Crumpled
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06 Apr 12 #322013 by Crumpled
Topic started by Crumpled
In a nutshell my husband of 23 years 30 years together started having affairs yes plural about a year ago.He has since moved into a flat in London but comes back to the family home at weekends.
Anyway when he moved out he agreed to conselling which we have been going to but
the first affair the woman turned out to be a prostitute (which naively he didnt realise)
she was a brazilian living in Portugal he was still texting etc someone when we went into counselling he stopped this ..she took an overdose and ended up in a coma for two weeks and it turned out she had done this before and was unstable... she was in switzerland he then assured me there was nothing else to come out of the woodwork but his behaviour is not following what he is saying I am not delusional which is what he wants me to believe I have seen texts in Spanish from someone else.All of these affairs have been with women who live abroad and he sees them when he is on business trips which he goes on at least once a week.
His phone laptop everything are password protected and he was really angry after a counselling session when then counsellor basically told him that he needed to share the codes with me even if just a while for total transparency...he had stopped his bank statements as well....he still hasnt restarted them or bgiven me any codes when hell freezes over is what come to my mind when i will get them
Anyway to cut to the chase eventually I am beginning to believe he is just coming to counselling to tick a box.
He earns a lot of money and I have been a stay at home mum with our children
recently he has taken my visa card away which was the only joint account apart from our house given me an allowance of approximately 7% of his salary and i am beginning to think he is only coming home at weekends to still be in the family home so to speak he is also pushing like mad for me to get a job which is rich as for most of our marriage he has come up with every excuse under the sun why i shouldn''t have one I am educated to graduate level and had quite a high level job and gave it up when we had our children as it was either both of us not seeing the children (i had lots of miscarriages before I had our first child) and employing a nanny or me giving up work
I think he has taken legal advice what do you think am i being completely naive i suspect i am
sorry to ramble on
happy easter everyone

  • Shoegirl
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06 Apr 12 #322017 by Shoegirl
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I am sorry you are in this situation. I was married to a serial adulterer so I know what you are goiing through with the lies and deception.

Two things to remember. Words are cheap, it is the actions you have got to take notice of. Second, is his behaviour changing towards you as a result of trying to save the marriage? If not, then it is likely he is not serious and is continuing his liefestyle regardless of your feelings.

The signs don''t look good. Trust your instincts and get some legal advice yourself. You can post your circumstances here and get a view from a legal professional on typical outcomes should you eventually separate and divorce. and taking advice when the best time to get a job for you is not a bad idea.

Again, sorry you find yourself here but is a good place to be full of advice and support. Take care

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06 Apr 12 #322028 by Crumpled
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Thanks shoegirl no his actions do not follow his words as I recently said in one of our counselling sessions he talks the talk but isnt walking the walk
I think the truth is he wants out but after 30 years doesnt want to take the final leap and i am so obviously the back up plan the women are all approx 15 years younger than me i am 48
he is 51 and this started when he hit 50 even our counsellor who has 30 years experience admitted to me on my own that it looked like a massive mid life crisis
he has a very high powered job and i think his ego and his age are to blame which is sad because he has been the perfect husband and father until now which makes the deceit and bare faced lying all that harder to swallow
his father did this to his mother at the same age but i think partly due to the era they stayed married but i have just realised in the light of all they havent shared a bedroom for over 30 years that would have made his mum 45 which actually when you think about it is too sad
i should have seen this coming really
thankyou

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06 Apr 12 #322031 by pixy
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Welcome. Mine too had an affair after a long marriage and classic midlife crisis. I suppose I should be grateful it was only one but I''m not :angry:

Don''t beat yourself up for not seeing it coming. Why should you suspect that the person you should be able to trust above all others has turned into a cheat? Why shouldn''t you believe that beig as supportive as possible would help him get through it without him turning to what sound like highly dodgy new partners.

Post details of ages, incomes, number and ages of children, assets and liabilties (inc pension schemes) and one of the more knowledgeable wikipeeps will be along to help.

In the meantime stay strong and look after yourself. Also find and copy every last bit of financial info that you can.

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06 Apr 12 #322036 by Mitchum
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Oh no. In order to see this coming we''d have had to possess superhuman powers of vision and hearing. We trusted. When did they become untrustworthy? Well, you''ve implied that what happened in your case was status and power. Exactly what happened to my husband. Status + power = inflated egos.

You won''t believe this at the moment but you will reach the point when he will actually appear a sad character to you. Pathetic even. Chasing what exactly? You on the other hand have remained true to your vows and now have to work towards obtaining the best possible outcome from the situation he has created. Pixy''s right. Collect a papertrail of evidence. Photocopy anything you can find. Evidence found by snooping cannot be used but it helps to put things into perspective. It helped for me to find the receipt for the diamonds my friend was wearing and realise I''d paid for half. That toughened my resolve.

Take all the advice you can as knowledge will give you more control over the situation.

Sorry you''re in this situation but you have all the support and expertise of wiki around you now. Take care. xx

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