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had my chance??

  • Kittykatt
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10 Apr 12 #322759 by Kittykatt
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hi everyone

wanted to post to try and get some support/wise words, am getting by and there seem to be more ok days than bad but certain situations/conversations are proving very difficult.

I am nearly 3 weeks in to the ''no contact rule'' and I know from experience in the past it gets difficult after the first few weeks - I wont contact him there is no point I know I don''t want to be with him just have to get through the bad days on my own.

Spent Saturday with some friends and the conversation turned to marriage and children (I am 28 a lot of my friends are getting married/considering it/discussing it) and it is tough, I feel like I have had my chance and thats that - its a horrible feeling.

Also why is it when s friend of yours tells you that you are doing the right thing/better off do you want to against it??? Even though you agree with them when someone says it its not very nice and makes me want to run back! (which I won''t cause I know myself I can''t)

K x

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10 Apr 12 #322928 by Shoegirl
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Hi KK

I remember feeling pretty much the same as you do now. Surrounded by friends in relationships, feeling the odd one out. Thinking I''d missed out on my happy ever after.

It''s early days for you yet. You are still adjusting to life without him. At first, it feels like something is missing at least it did for me. I felt the odd one out certain I''d blown my shot at happiness compared to my friends normal lives.

I started a new job a few months after he left me. Working with a lot of women my age all who are happily married compounded my sense of feeling lost and the odd one out.

Then I started to see what was going on around me. As I gathered strength to live my life alone, friends started to confess their relationships were far from perfect. Those happily married women at work I discovered most of them were divorced and on their second marriage. I started to see the truth that relationship issues were much more common than I had first thought. I was far from alone.

Now I feel like my life is just beginning and I am happy. You will be too. You will move on, it''s just your life will work out differently to how you imagined but that does not mean you missed your chance. In time you may regard this as your lucky escape. I know I do.

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11 Apr 12 #323022 by Kittykatt
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Thank you Shoegirl that helps, it is tough when all of your friends are in relationships etc and I don''t know why but its hard when someone tells you it is the right thing (this is someone that doesn''t know me very well either, a partner of a friend)I know these days a lot of people get married more than once I just had this horrible feeling Saturday and it hasn''t really left, guess it''s all part of the process.

I do know though that I would rather be on my own, however lonely it is sometimes than be with someone I can''t trust.

How is it even if you have a good network of friends and family you can still feel so lonely?? :(xx

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11 Apr 12 #323026 by sexysadie
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Kittykat, you are 28 - that is no age at all. I got together with my ex when I was 34, had my first child at 36 and my second at 39. I''m now 53 and still hopeful that I will meet someone else eventually.

I know when you get divorced that it can feel that everyone else is in a lovely cosy couple and you are never going to be loved again, but that really isn''t true. There are lots of people here who have new partners and (more) children after divorce. Your time will come, believe me.

Best wishes,
Sadie

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11 Apr 12 #323029 by Shezi
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Hi Kittykatt

No indeed you haven''t! I was 27 when I divorced, my children were young. I remember thinking that I would take a couple of years to settle and balance out then I would probably get married again and have more children... that was my ''plan A''! That didn''t happen, at 30 I gave up my job and went back to uni to finish my education and life moved on... I was happy and found other Directions to move in.

When we start on this journey called divorce, it seems to me that we have some preconceived ideas about what we think we want / need / will make us happy etc. My experience of life is that everything is an opportunity. Often, it doesn''t feel that way at the time - commonly, it feels like just another setback, obstacle.

However, if there is one thing I''ve learned over the years, it''s this: there is no such thing as a bad experience, there is only experience. We can let it beat us, we can accept it, take it as it is... or we can stand up to it, turn it around, make it into something that works for us.

That divorce of mine was 25 years ago, my children are grown, my daughter has children of her own. I''d have to tell you I''ve taken a few wrong turns over the years... I''ve made plenty of mistakes. But the upshot is, if we''re prepared to do the thinking, to consider what lesson there is to be learned (essentially about self) then there is every possibility that we will grow big enough and strong enough to meet the next challenge. That way, nothing will come along that we aren''t equipped to deal with.

I was the only person I knew that was divorced for a long time - it can be a lonely place. So I turned my attention to the things that interested me and developed those interests. It''s often a question of focus - whatever it is we''re looking at.... that''s what we''ll see :D

As for change.. when I was young, my Nana gave me the ''Serenity'' poem (you know the one? ''...courage to change the things I can, serenity to accept the things I can''t, the wisdom to know the difference?) Well I liked that, but I didn''t know how to go about changing things - and I didn''t have the wisdom to know the difference. When studying psychology, I learned it. I learned how to recognise what the ''fixed'' things were - the things that couldn''t be changed by me because I wasn''t in control of them. So then we look at what we are in control of because they''re the things we can change. Sometimes... especially in divorce... the ONLY things we are in control of is our feelings. How we feel about something. So start there. If we don''t like the way something looks because of how it makes us feel... change the way we''re looking at it.

Imagine.. you''re standing on a hill looking at a dead tree. Someone walks toward you and says ''if you go and stand over there, you can see the most spectacular view''.. would you stubbornly continue standing looking at the tree? Or would you move?

The same is true about point of view.

Sorry to ramble..

Shezi

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11 Apr 12 #323050 by Kittykatt
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Sadie, yes I know I am still young but it still is tough and it does get quite worrying but it is great to hear your story and know that people do go through this and come out the other side happy and are still able to meet someone else, have a family etc...

Shezi, that makes a lot of sense and you right how you view things and your perspective makes a huge difference, I am seeing this as an opportunity it is just difficult some days to remember that and not get bogged down. Your words are very wise and helpful thank you, I will definitely refer back to your post!

K x

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11 Apr 12 #323065 by Marshy_
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This does it for me. Its what Shezi wrote:

However, if there is one thing I''ve learned over the years, it''s this: there is no such thing as a bad experience, there is only experience. We can let it beat us, we can accept it, take it as it is... or we can stand up to it, turn it around, make it into something that works for us

.

But it can seem bad at the time. Often when something happens to us we think that its bad. But later on, we see a more fuller picture and can see that it was in fact good.

But if something happens to you, now that you know that you have been tested, you can face it and see as Shezi does. An opertunity.

Separation and divorce is change. Change is life and visa versa. Without change there could be no life. And change is a chance to embrace something new. Divorce is not the end of something. Its the start of something.

I for instance was a married man with what I thought was my family. It turned out that was not the case. Also, I never in my wildest dreams would have even considered the things that I have achieved since the split. It now seems that the timing was perfect for me. I am right where I want to be right now.

The other thing that surprised me is that I could be on my own. And enjoy it. I had always been with someone and I thought I would hate my own company. But it turned out that I can enjoy life on my own. Sure I have friends now that I never had before. But I love to come home to the peace that I have now. Surrounded by my own things and I can just shut that door.

I dont want to turn this post into how wonderful life is. That will do you no good at all KittyKat. I want to tell you that life has not started again for you. And you will be amazed at what you can achieve. And when you look back, you will feel it was the right time and the right thing for you.

Lastly. I just want to touch on knowledge. You know things at 28 that not a lot of people know at yr age. Not many divorce at 28. Most divorced people are in there 40''s. And you have experienced something tough early on and have learned a lot of life skills. So, believe it or not, you are in an envious position. You are schooled at the college of hard knocks. Remember that life is not about falling down. Its about getting up and adapting to a constantly changing environment. Roll with it. Use it. Understand it. Make it happen for you. C.

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