My wife left our marriage of nearly 26 years on November 1st 2011 , I soon discovered there was another man (who she got engaged to on new years eve seven weeks after leaving )which obviously following her sudden departure was devastating, I am now 5 months in and had made some good progress then the last week of February she moved back in for 4 days and promising me and the boys it was forever, however all she thought about was this other man, I then made some progress again after obviously going back a bit, then on Saturday she had to contact me as she had locked herself out of her car so being the ever reasonable person I took her spare car key to her and tried to ask some questions as I am still lost as to what has happened, this man she is having the affair with has a terrible reputation as a womaniser and a drinker,I asked do you think its going to last long term she said first probably not then I think so then in quick succession I hope so, is the first answer the most likely , he had also promised all sorts finacially like paying for her holiday etc which dont seem to be materialising I know I should be moving on but I cant seem to stop loving her and still daftly wanting her each time we have contact I move back so far but as we have kids there is some inevitable contact and we also work for the same company, I just dont understand how she is behaving the way she is little contact with the boys and putting up with things off him she would never have tolerated off me, I also asked if she was happy in life and she said no I have nothing, she has tried to come back three times but only once actually moved back and then only for four days, any advise as to what she is thinking and what is going on
Hi Lancey, i''m a bloke who only had a short marriage but bitter divorce so I may have a different view on your situation than some other people on this board. However, reading through some of your previous posts it appears your wife doesnt really know what she wants. Probably just something ''different'' or ''exciting''. Ridiculous getting engaged to someone so soon. I think it''s time to stop asking her questions and just take care of yourself and your kids. I know its the hardest thing to ''let go'' but sometimes its the only way.
You wife will have to sort herself out but you must insist that, whatever happens, the prime concern must be the welfare of the children. They come before your wife''s selfish interests. My ex ''fell in love'' with a womaniser (that was the first bloke she had an affair with) just a few months after our marriage. The bloke wasnt interested when he realised she was serious about him. Second bloke she ''fell in love'' with dumped her after she left me for him. Put some emotional distance between you and your wife, be patient and see what happens. It''s the best you can do in the circumstances. Please dont ask her if she intends to stay with this other man.
I have no idea what she is thinking but on the surface it sounds as though she is very confused, searching for something she thinks she wants and carrying on like a love-sick teenager.
It sounds as though you would ultimately take your wife back and all credit to you if that''s what you want. She may or may not come back, who knows. But it needs to be on your terms, not hers, or she will keep doing this to you and the children.
Hard as it may be, you need to toughen up a bit. Refuse any contact other than about the kids, don''t do her any favours. That might shock her into some sense but at the very least it will put a protective layer between you and the children and her.
Thanks for the reply, I just feel lost and find it hard to let go even though I know thats what I must do, the whole thing has been so surreal from her reasons to her beahviour, and know complaining she has no money
Concentrate on the children and always think about the example you want to set them, how you would want them to react if this was happening to them.
Firm and dignified, standing up for their rights and security.
Leave your wife to her own devices, she''ll come to her senses soon enough. And if she doesn''t, then you''ll already be some way down the path to acceptance.
Happyagain: Absolutely! You are so right. I hope Lancey takes note of what you say.
His wife will not respond well to questions and ''pressure'' because she is so obviously confused about what she wants. SHE alone must make up her mind. She might make the wrong decision and regret but you cannot push anyone to love you or do things they dont want to do. Tough but true. Important to maintain dignity.