Joint Friends

Is it normal to feel really annoyed that joint friends spend time with the stbx? I think it is likely unfair and irrational (I am letting myself off on this one though lol)

It is even harder that I feel like this and cant talk to my friends about it as it would make them feel uncomfortable/pressured etc...

He has made new friends (in the gym that was once mine and I had to leave grrr) why cant he just bugger off and spend time with them??!! again completely unfair as they are his friends too but needed to rant today.

The whole joint friends situation is one of the hardest aspects of this to get through and was something I never really thought about!

Ps. I am doing my best to make new friends and am glad to say I have at least one friend now that is just mine and not from my past with him - hoorah!

I think it is totally normal (I have been though it as well and so has my next door neighbour - she is still going through it - fortunately for me I have largely got over it - still hard sometimes).

I was reading an article about Demi Moore in an magazine today about her 4th divorce and how her daughter was still friendly with her departing stbx (gone off with another pop star apparently). I think that must be really extremely difficult to cope with especially when it makes international headlines and she is seen out looking extremely thin and is having counselling for depression and addiction.

Give it time and try to block as many of the anxious feelings out as you can (doesn''t always work but it can help).

Like you I take refuge in the fact that I have friends who I knew totally separately from my relationship with ex. I am 4 years down the line and I also have new friends that I have made since.

Thank you Soul Ruler, I unfortunately only have one friend separate to the relationship (that wasn''t joint as such) and that is someone I have made friends with since. We both had friends and everyone just came together in one big group so now that we are separated everyone is a joint friend! That is ar one or two of his who cut all ties with me (which was nice but I wasn''t too bothered about them)

Glad to hear that it isn''t just me and that I am not being completely irrational, the hardest thing is feeling like this and not being able to talk to your friends about it, I spoke to one via email earlier and she completely ignored that part of it, I think it is because she doesn''t know what to say or how to deal with it, I understand they are all in a very difficult position but it doesn''t make in any easier.

Hopefully in time it will get better!

I learnt soon enough not to attempt to talk to mutual friends as people find it impossible and also very embarrassing. In the due course of time where there are mutual friends people naturally drift to one party or another or if it is amicable manage to stay friends with both parties.

Hi kittykat... just about everything is ''normal'' in divorce!

This is a topic that comes up now and again, there are some old posts in the forum that you might find useful to read.

Losing friends in divorce can sometimes feel like the straw that broke... but it''s also true to say that friends who don''t have experience of this are often hard to talk to. That''s where Wikivorce comes in

We all know exactly how this goes... that''s the value of empathy. So let it out here.

Shezi

Thank you Shezi and Soul Ruler, sometimes you can start to feel like u r going mad with the roller coaster of emotions! And u r completely right none of my friends understand but as u say this is why wiki is invaluable

I guess time will heal and settle things down....

Hi Kittykatt,

When the mention of friends and their lack of loyalty is mentioned it always hit a real hurtful nerve with me.

Like the others have said, friendships and the lack of support or breaking ties with lifelong friends can affect you sometimes as badly as the breakdown of your marriage.

I can totally empathise with your dilemma, in my case I was naive enough that ''our joint'' friends found it easier to abandon me, once my STBX''s adultery was common knowledge. (He is great to have at a party!). I soon realised that the friends I invested over 20 years of my life in, really were shallow friendships and in all honesty they did not know the meaning of the word friendship.

I think it is hard to maintain dual allegiance to each wounded party, so sometimes it is easier for friends to ignore your pain, hurt and suffering as it can suddenly seem that their own relationships may also be vulnerable. But of course "It could never happen to them!"

It still saddens me to this day that 21 months on, I have not seen hide nor hair of any of my so called closest friends, but like my STBX said to me a couple of weeks after I caught him with OW "They are on my side anyway", they had known for a long time of his antics and condoned his behaviours.

I have always said during my own divorce experience, one of the biggest lessons learned was not to somehow try and maintain the single friendships I had pre-marriage. But, it was so hard when running a home, children, a career, hobbies etc. It is so easy to let their (STBX''S) friends take over! Never again will I invest in empty friendships!

Who needs friends like that anyway when you have Wiki Peeps who really do understand.

Re-building your life and friendships is hard and it is not easy, but I am sure with time it will happen for us all.

Wishing you all the best and take care for now FoS x