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Separated but reluctant to start divorce

  • Sunshine10
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01 May 12 #327600 by Sunshine10
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Husband left a month ago and has started to set himself up in a new life. Its sunk in that he is not coming back so I have told him we need to formalise things, start the divorce process and agree finances. He is reluctant to do anything and won''t respond to emails.
With such a short period of time I can''t do anything on my own without his agreement I think. Right now money isn''t an issue.

I''d like to move on, get my independance and some control and so I can plan for the future. I think while we are still separated and not officially divorcing he still thinks he can dip in and out of our lives on his terms.

How can I go forward? Am I going too fast?

  • LittleMrMike
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01 May 12 #327602 by LittleMrMike
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You don''t need to have his agreement to start divorce proceedings.

I suppose a lot depends on whether you think that a period of calm reflection might resolve what issues there are.

There''s no reason why you can''t discuss finances on an interim basis, or even the financial position after divorce. It sometimes helps to concentrate the mind. In most cases divorce will involve some reduction in lifestyle.

KMM

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01 May 12 #327603 by Sunshine10
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I didn''t think I could really start divorce proceedings because he doesn''t have an address. But I guess what you are saying as the divorce and the finances are really separate things?

So when he has an address I can begin?

I don''t think a time of reflection is going to change things for him. And I feel like I am dangling on a rope waiting for him to finally say he is ready (which will be when he is more sure of his other life).

  • Lostboy67
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01 May 12 #327607 by Lostboy67
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Hi Sunshine,
I was looking back over your previous posts and, forgive me if I am wrong, you have been in this position before, this time perhaps its time to stand up and not be his backup plan anymore. I am not suggesting that you do anything immediatly but start thinking through how your life will be without him and what you need in terms of a financial settlment.

LB

  • Marshy_
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01 May 12 #327609 by Marshy_
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Hi Sunshine. There is an emotional impact to the divorce process. Its a tough place to enter and you have to be strong to start it. It could be that because of the shortness of time that he has been gone that yr ex feels that he is not ready. But if you feel strong enough and you feel that you are ready. You could make a start. Many feel that divorce is final and starting this process ends things for good. And some people are not ready for that. Perhaps thats why he wont respond to requests that involve divorce.

You will be caught between a rock and a hard place with this divorce. You have said that you want to get on with yr life and get this over with. But on the other hand, your ex may think this is too quick. So issuing now, may cause delays to the divorce.

What I suggest is a compromise. You could tell him that you will issue proceedings in say 3 or 6 months to allow the fact that you are divorcing to sink in. That way, you will get yr divorce and everyone has time to get used to the situation. And in that time, you will only get stronger and you will be better prepared for what is to come. After all, the prize is you Decree Absolute. And not how quickly you get it. In the meantime, you can start to rebuild your life without him.

You own your own life. No one else. If someone "dips" in and out of yr life and you dont want them to, you have the right to say "NO" to them. Being married or divorced may not change things. If you dont want him "dipping" the tell him to stop. C.

  • Crumpled
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01 May 12 #327632 by Crumpled
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Hi Sunshine I think you and I are in a very similar position my stbx has just moved out to a flat in london and he is dipping in and out of our lives and to be quite honest it is becoming intolerable,
he like your husband doesnt particularly want a divorce and like you I have got to the stage where i want to be more in control of the situation rather than let him call all of the shots.
i dont know whether your husband is the same as mine but I am getting whiplash from his mood changes so a lot of mind games going on in my house.
i actually love my stbx so much i think am reluctant to start proceedings because i know it will be over and i think although i know in reality i am being totally stupid there is still a little bit of me wants us to sort this out even though in reality i think there is nil chance. my children who adored their father are also totally sick of what is going on and my eldest who very mature and intelligent and who worshipped her father is begging me to start proceedings so all in all very difficult.
i am taking baby steps...i have a lawyer and update her on where we are on the basis that if i decide to proceed all my ducks are in order so to speak but she is not pushing me to proceed either i asked her when i would know it is time and she quite simply said when you have had enough .
i dont think i am quite there yet but i am rapidly approaching it
i dont know whether that helps at all but i really do empathise with you as it is such a difficult and such a final decision i also am concerned that if i start proceedings my husband will turn into a monster and be very nasty as it wont have been on his terms which he definitely wont like as he sounds very similar to yours likes to be in control

  • Sunshine10
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01 May 12 #327683 by Sunshine10
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I am being a back up plan. Probably me sending emails about how we move forward is subconsiously my way of still keeping in touch with him.
Today he did respond but had a right go at me. Misinterpreting what I had written, guess it makes him feel better to be angry at me!

I don''t think he has a clue what he wants, but I''m pretty sure it isn''t me.

I think you are right though that I don''t need to start to resolve this situation in order to get on with my own life. Cutting loose is so damn difficult!

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