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Has your ex re-written history?

  • jjones123
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12 May 12 #330159 by jjones123
Topic started by jjones123
I''ve been thinking of posting this thread and question for some time now, but never quite gotten around to it.

One thing that I have learnt from this site is that a partner who might leave for another can very easily choose to ''rewrite history'' to suit their own view of reality.

In my case, the re-writing started with an unreasonable behaviour Petition, despite the fact that there was another party clearly involved... that I was the one that was at fault rather than the fact that my ex had clearly experienced a collapse of morality. Another bit of re-writing was that I was to blame that she chose to marry me (?) There are, of course, a whole list of other crazy inconsistent statements that don''t make much sense (but I''m at now at the point of not really caring about what was said anymore).

My question is: has your ex rewritten history? If so, how did you deal with it?

Best,
JJ

  • MrsMathsisfun
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12 May 12 #330161 by MrsMathsisfun
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My partners ex has certainly re written the history of their marriage.

According to her it was all my partner fault and that it was him who wanted to only see the children every other weekend.

She only had an affair because she was ''lonely and felt unloved when my partner wouldnt extend the mortgage to provide 2 more bedrooms on their 4 bed house!!

The bit of history re writing that hurts my partner the most is in relation to the children, who have now been told that mummy never loved daddy and that daddy played no part in naming them or caring for them when they were babies.

  • julesgy
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12 May 12 #330167 by julesgy
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hi jjones 123
my stbx has re written history he used to say that i was his best friend the perfect wife and mother and that we would be together forever !!!
he then decided that sexting and playing away with women was fun i tried to save my marriage but each time the other women were back on the seen and now he has filed fordivorce on the grounds of UB stating that since oct 2011 there has been no love respect or intimacy on both parties !! nothing about since 2006 he has lied and cheated in the marriage and that he has also visited prostitutes (this he told me and also rang his grown up daughter and informed her !!!!) so was my marriage a sham ?? wh knows :(
when i got the Petition it hurt like hell and i have instructed my solicitor to write back to him and amend it !! to me it was all about principles if he wont amend it then i dont know what i''ll do but my friends have all said that so long as i know the truth then thats all that counts so im trying to work on that at the min.
i do wonder whatversion he tells the ow though - id love to know what yarn hes spinning aobut me !!!
take care
jules

  • raybird
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12 May 12 #330168 by raybird
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i didnt get on with his daughter ?? news to me on the day he left, ive got depression (no you were having an affair), we never have the money to go out (because you spent it on yourself and your stupid golf stuff) you never come to see my mum (because youre never really there but at the OWs)ive got to sleep at mums tonight, she has depression,(im trying out the new model) im feel like runing away (yes you did, into her arms) i want to join the french foriegn legion ?????????????????????? (now your being a complete t....r) im moving to canada (please try an move somewhere futher away) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • epitome title
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12 May 12 #330169 by epitome title
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Oh yes - my stbx has always described me to friends as well as to me as "the most honest person he knows" he has said that "without me, he would never have made a success of himself" but now that we are going through the Ancillary Relief process, suddenly he is all out for his Barrister to basically "character assasainate" me

If that is all they have got well I am not too worried, a hot shot barrister from london is not going to go down too well in a provincial family court, we are not talking McCartney v Mills here lol

I am "lucky" in that our marrriage just broke down over time, as far as I am aware, there was no other woman

If re writing history makes them feel better, I say they are sad sad creatures and the truth will out

Bring on the Final Hearing !!!

  • flowerofscotland
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12 May 12 #330170 by flowerofscotland
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Hi jjones123,

I really think this is the hardest question I find to get my head around. My STBX has taken every opportunity to re-write history, projecting and blaming me for all his actions. Even my own Solicitor, after decades in Family Law, has intimated she has never met someone who can not accept any wrong doing for his own behaviours.

The sad thing is that on the run up to our marital breakdown, I was worn out due to a number of things, which did not allow me to see, unbeknown to me, that he was ''rallying'' his troops, so to speak, lining up his ''team'' ready for the ultimate attack. I am the first to say my marriage was far from perfect, but only 2 people know the truth, him and I, so regardless of how many henchmen he has on ''his side'' nothing will take away the fact that I loved him and my children more than anything, they were my rock.

As soon as that rock started to crumble with me under it, he used every opportunity to focus on my current weaknesses, instead of highlighting the strengths that I had. He has tried to tarnish me, his wife and the mother of his children, with every brush he can get his hands on. What for? In order to try to justify his lies, deceit and cheating on not only me, but his children as well.

I have come to a fair conclusion that none of us see things in the same light and by manipulating other peoples perceptions of how they think things were between us, my STBX can carry on like Cock of the North! Like butter would not melt, because he hides behind a very ''public'' role in society. He has strength in coercing people into believing that he is always right, and that the ''spineless'', as he was good at referring people he did not like, are always in the wrong and that their opinions were not worth bothering 2 hoots about!

Like a close ally said to me recently, it is easier to agree with him, in so many things, because he could pick an argument in an empty room. So many of our once so called friends found it easier to put up and shut up, because if they didn''t, he would just go to speakers corner to shout even louder. It is a pity it is such drivel that now comes out of his mouth!

A bit like you jjones123, I am beginning to not care any more what he is saying, because if it is not me he is picking on, it would be someone else, somebody he sees as weak and pathetic. At least now I can say "talk to the hand"!

Take care for now FoS x

  • Shoegirl
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12 May 12 #330173 by Shoegirl
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In a word yes but we know that it is very common.

I''m going to question something you said as it jumped out at me as interesting. You said your ex experienced a collapse of morality. My question is did she really ever have a morality chip so to speak?

My views on this have been documented on the site before. But hey, happy to put my 2ps worth in again as I can''t republish any of my blogs for whatever reason.

Now I''m going to tailor this answer to focus on my own experience with my Stbx. Some people before have told me it resonated with them.

My Stbx was one of those people who was not actually that concerned with being a good person, not really, you know the type I mean when I say, he was never REALLY there for me when it mattered. What concerned my Stbx solely was appearing to be good. There is a deep and dramatic difference between the two states described. The former is an authentic person, the latter changes who they are and what they do depending on who they are with. They manipulate people and often can try to control people with distortions and lies.

So I simply think my Stbx has rewritten history because he can not tolerate the inevitable emotional pain involved with self reproach. Put much more simply, my Stbx had to believe his own lies because he could not face the truth that his behaviour was really bad. I was sacrificed quite literally in order for him to preserve his own self image,

He would therefore explain his own flaws by blaming me. This scapegoating is so common isnt it? What I''m talking about of course is projection. I think that my Stbx blamed me, so he did not have to take any responsbiliity for his own failures.

The root of it I believe is his inability to suffer emotional pain. My husband is a passive dependent type, he tolerates loneliness very poorly. So by projecting the failure on to me for our marriage ending and his affairs, he rode off into the sunset thinking he would resolve all his problems by entering into a new relationship. Did not quite work out that way :laugh:

So my emotionally weak Stbx denies the suffering of his own guilt by casting his pain on to others by projection and scapegoating. I can''t do anything about that so I ignore it, it has nothing to do with me. It''s very sad he can not take responsibility for his actions, I believe he has chosen a poor strategy for future happiness.

But hey, I focused not on what he was projecting onto me, but what led me to end up with someone like him. That was a far more useful piece of self insight as Im sure that will ensure I don''t end up with what Haway described to me as a wrong''un. That''s my responsibility to learn the lessons from this experience and come out of it a better person.

Blimey, got a bit deep there JJ but since you asked.......

Got to get back to fixing my shower now. I''m getting quite good at DIY these days and then I''ve got to make a wedding cake for a family member!!!! Busy weekend!

Happy Saturday!

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