Your take(s) on this please...

Morning,

I''m about to go into work but before I do I wanted to put this out there.

My stbx has seemingly done a complete u-turn since I met with him last Wednesday to tell him that I never wanted us to split but that his actions (leaving the FMH at end of Jan, not communicating, having ow in his flat ("it''s not like that"), taking ow to spend weekend with kids.... )his disloyalty and the mistrust leaves me with no option but to pursue a formal separation and ultimately divorce.

He came to see the kids on Saturday -was supposed to have them for the full day but didn''t want to take them to the birthday party that they had so dropped them off early (note made) so I could do the honours. During this time he asked several times if I was 100% certain that I wanted to divorce.

Then there are the text messages that have started coming through -I am under no illusions and fully aware that text talk is cheap and easy. I reply stating that actions speak louder than words and that no I never wanted a divorce but that he has left us with little choice.

I can''t see a way of me ever forgetting what he did or the way this whole episode has affected the kids and I. Our friends and family (who are in the know) are obviously supportive but have their own views too -most if not all bar his mother would section me for taking him back I am sure. I don''t want to take him back even if he begged and begged. BUT I''m finding it really hard to actually move things forward to a divorce. I''m struggling with the finality of the decision. I just wish that none of this had happend.

I have booked to see a solicitor on Friday to push forward with a Separation Agreement and indeed to talk about the route to divorce. It''s something I feel pressurised into doing by his actions and by the strong advice of friends who have been through the process.

Now he is saying he wants to rent a closer and bigger place near to FMH so that the children can go to stay with him more often -which is fine but I''m not sure how I feel about him potentially living at the end of the street. I guess it would be better for the children.

I don''t want to regret this.

FiFi

You wouldn''t find a definative answer to whether it sright or wrong.

Very few people ''want'' a divorce. Its the end of something and we all at one time or another see it as different things; validation, failure, the end then the beginning. And its not easy because it a mechanism that starts a process that throughs up lots of questions about your conviction. If he has given you no choice then your really have no option to proceed unless you can stay seperated, the problem with that is you may find it hard to move on.

The living at the end of the street could be a problem if he follows through on it BUT if it means the children see their father on a regular basis then being divorced may make that easier rather than being seperated.

Good luck.

Fifi100 wrote:

I''m finding it really hard to actually move things forward to a divorce. I''m struggling with the finality of the decision.

If you do divorce and change your mind, you can always re-marry. It happens.

I have booked to see a solicitor on Friday to push forward with a Separation Agreement

Don''t waste your time or money. A separation agreement is not a stepping stone to a divorce, nor is it a "divorce lite". Really there is no reason to get an SA unless you have religious objections to divorce.

I''m not sure how I feel about him potentially living at the end of the street.

Well I hate to say it, but there''s not a lot you can do about that. Unless he is harassing or stalking you, he can choose to live wherever he likes.

Hi
OK I''ll give you my take
Telling him that you want a divorce has rather shaken him. The thought that he could ''see how it goes'' witht the OW is now not an option since you are pushing the big red button. So not being 100% convinced by the long term viability of what he may tell you is ''the love of his life'' he wants to keep a backup plan going...and that is you.
He keeps texting you asking if you are sure etc and will probably continue until either you get a court order to stop the harrassment, change you number, send him the petittion, or tell him there is a chance it could work.
He is also perhaps beginning to realise that he has blown his marriage and is looking at alternatives ref having the children etc.

LB

The statement that he is looking to rent a larger property closer to you so that he can have the children is bound to be intimidating to you and no doubt he is aware of that fact.

As Cookie states there isn''t much you can do if he does decide to go that route but what you can do is choose to totally ignore that as what he is looking for is a reaction from you (don''t give him the satisfaction).

I know what it feels like to be in close proximity to a stbx as my husband lives opposite - yes it is extremely intimidating and at times it has made me behave irrationally.

On the positive side it does mean that children have freer access as and when they wish to have access. This has been a positive benefit to my daughter who didn#t want anything to do with her father when he left but now is in control of when and how she sees her father. If he does make that move it doesn''t need to have a negative impact on your life.

It''s astonishingly common that the one who has the affair still wants to keep options open. I found it equally difficult to initiate separation and divorce, but like you felt forced into it. The strange thing was that once the decision was made a heap of stress just disappeared. It was like my sub-conscious was telling me I''d done the right thing. A year later I am having just the same difficulty in applying for my Absolute. The sheer finality of it is frightening; brain and heart are not in sync. But I''ve promised myself that I''#ll sort it all out this week and my brain is telling me that I will feel less stressed when I do.

If you cannot trust him, then frankly that''s it. Divorce is horrible; staying with a cheat and a liar is worse.

((()))

I initiated divorce last July, about a month into her leaving, now 10 months on I am about to finialise things, and get my Absolute sorted.

I couldnt trust her, and told her just before Easter I wanted out of our so called reconciliation. I am so glad I started divorce all those months ago, because I now know in my mind that she was just playing with me, just like an angler plays his fish - reels me in, lets me go - I can just finalise my divorce quickly.

All has come clear to me what my STBX wife has been up to, I have given her chance to clean up her act and let us start again, but she doesnt want that - so those 10 months with things on hold have come to bear fruit because now goodbye is hopefully a few weeks away, and not a few months.

When I started proceedings I adored my STBX, worshiped the ground she walked on, divorce was the last thing I wanted.

So I would start divorce proceedings, you can always stop it if need be.

All the best xx