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why am i procrastinating

  • Crumpled
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16 May 12 #330821 by Crumpled
Topic started by Crumpled
I would really value some help on this.
My story in a nutshell been with oh 30 years have children husband started having affairs about a year and a half ago with approximately 3 or 4 women this was totally out of the blue until then he had been a perfect partner and father.
We have had counselling etc but as our counsellor recently stated he is taking the pxxs out of couples counselling.He is now living in a flat on his own during the week but comes home to the family home at weekends where he spends most of his time at the pub or the gym.I am not allowed access to his flat as he needs his space apparently.
He denies seeing other women but I have definite proof that he is in contact by text/bbm email with at least three women.
He is in his 50s and is still an attractive man and looks after himself he is also a very high earner (and i mean very) which i wonder if that is part of his attraction to these women as i know he has given one of them in excess of 10,000 and goodness knows hat he is giving the others so being cynical they are unlikely to give up either.
He says he wants 5 months on his own to sort himself out .
When he comes home at the weekend the situation is so stressful.
I think i am being weak both my solicitor and our joint counsellor have urged me to start divorce proceedings both are highly professional and qualified and i dont think they would suggest to someone to do that lightly if that makes sense.
I am just in such a quandry.....do i wait for five months with all of the stress and awfulness i have asked him to stay away at weekends but still he comes home ...there is a bit of me still with that tiny glimmer of hope that he will come to his senses but im not sure whether i would ever forgive him really if i am truthful.
Am i being a complete idiot i am just so fearful of taking such a no going back step i also know if i do this before he wants to it will really antagonise him ...but at the same time i think i need to take control rather than let him call all of the shots.............sorry for such a long post

  • pixy
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16 May 12 #330834 by pixy
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It''s really hard to come to terms with the fact that you have spent 30 odd years with a partner who suddenly starts cheating. It''s possible to understand on some levels (mid life crisis and all that) but very difficult to translate intellectual understanding into emotional undertanding. Like you I procrastinated. I couldn''t believe that he wouldn''t just wake up one day and realise that he was throwing (in our case) 35 years away.

My gut feeling is that you have to bite the bullet and just go for it. I wobbled all the way through but actually once I started the no contact rule everything became much easier and much less stressful. If you don''t absolutely need to see him, don''t.

As for antagonising him, well you''ve been left with no choice have you? He''s just keeping his options open. My stbx insists that it was my decision to end the marriage as though him and his ow played no part in it. They have to do this because to think otherwise would be to admit their guilt.

Stay strong ((()))

  • Hamilton1
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16 May 12 #330837 by Hamilton1
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Hi there Living the Day,

Firstly I am so sorry to hear of your awful situation at present. I am afraid to say I think you are going have to take control and start divorce proceedings, if for no other reason than to protect your share of the finances that your husband appears to be giving away so freely.

It will be hard, but if you have a good solicitor they will support you each step of the way and make sure they dont push too hard and a are a shoulder to lean on when you are having a bad day and will give you all of the options and advice you need when you are having a good day.

Take control and dont be afraid.


  • soulruler
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16 May 12 #330841 by soulruler
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I agree start proceedings to protect your emotions and also your finances. Once money is gone you cannot get it back.

He is calling the shots as you know, having his own bacholor pad from which you are excluded but also coming back at weekends and spending all his time out down the pub.

What would you say to a friend who described the circumstance you find yourself in?

  • flowerofscotland
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16 May 12 #330858 by flowerofscotland
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Hi livingintheday,

I know the shock of it all, very often gives way to being a bit like a rabbit caught in headlights, not seeing clearly for so many reasons.

From your story, I think I can hear that you know deep down what to do, but by burying your head in the sand, you think in the 5 months or so, it will all go away, but unfortunately it won''t.

You have to think of yourself and your own dignity and respect, because let''s face it, he is showing you none, he is making a mockery of all your years together, because he does not respect you. I know that this is such a heartbreak when you look at the reality of the situation.

No man, or woman has the right to treat another this way, regardless if they think they can. He is using you as a doormat and a ''fall back'' option, so that when his crown jewel finally falls off, from all it''s playing around, he has got someone and somewhere to run back to, because of course, ''in sickness and in health'' and all that!

livingintheday, you have stood by this man, raising a family allowing him to have a career that has given you the riches in return, do not ever underestimate your work as a mother and housewife because it is the hardest job in the world, trying to please your family. So take control before the pounds, shillings and pence are squandered on the ''American Gigolo'' lifestyle that he is clearly rubbing your nose in.

Regardless of how you feel about this man, and take it from most of us that have been down this road, he is your husband and you will always have a place in your heart for him, but that does not mean to say you have to sit back and watch everything you held so dear be demolished and wrecked overnight just because he thinks he is a Greek Adonis! Where do these men get such big egos?

Livingintheday, you do not deserve such contempt and do not let him make a complete fool of you any more. Make sure that you have all your ducks in a row, do as much digging as you can, have copies of all accounts and assets so that you can get the ball in motion now. Do not procrastinate any longer, because there will be one Cougar out there, who will see a chip and keep chipping, if she knows he is a meal ticket, and she will take advantage until she gets under his skin. Then, without knowing what has hit you, you will be sh!t on from the highest height and ceremoniously be dumped not knowing if it was a bullet train or a 125 that has hit you. You need to take this man to the cleaners, whilst he is too busy shaking his thing to notice! In time you will look back and be glad you have said goodbye to old rubbish. You and your health are worth more than this, pick up the phone and get the best damn Family Lawyer you can, before he does!

Take care for now FoS x

  • yellowrose
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16 May 12 #331000 by yellowrose
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FOS is absolutely right. I found out my b...ard husband was having an affair and decided to forgive him. He said he wanted to make a go of our marriage because after over 30years he still loved me. He loved me enough to carry on screwing her on her office desk while looking me in the eye and continuing ot lie to me!! He then walked out on me in the middle of the night to a rented flat (via her house for s quick sh.g)so that he could have a bolthole to think in. He still has his bolt hole. Has never lived there - he lives with her, but because he is a lawyer and knows that if he lives with her it will affect the financial settlement, he continues to pay rent whilst playing happy families with her and her kids (she''s had loads of affairs so I live in hope she''ll do to him what he''s done to me).

Look after yourself. Don''t be rushed into divorce - you have to feel ready - but don''t let him call the shots. If you take control, you will eventually feel much better about yourself.

Lots of love. xxxxxxxxx

  • Crumpled
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16 May 12 #331003 by Crumpled
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Hi Thanks to all of you .......you are all right i need to do something but i think yellowrose and i have a lot in common as my oh keeps saying he needs 5 months to think and wants us to get back together.....the trouble is he is doing absolutely nothing to make this happen in fact the opposite like so many of you have said on posts on this site look at the actions and not the words
he says he loves me but how can you possibly treat someone you love like this .....this is why i am confused i think in reality he is playing games just to delay me and suit himself in some way ...................

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