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update on Court hearing for contact

  • carer
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28 May 12 #333601 by carer
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Hi all,

I thought I would give you an update on my situation in case it helps anyone who is going through a desperate time.:)

Contact for my child and dad wasnt easy as dad has Aspergers and child has medical problems that requires constant monitoring and dad couldnt cope.

I have been through two years of stress/worry/heartache and more. I have been called ''hostile'' and all sorts of negative names. CAFCASS''s report said that she had absolutely no reason to believe that I was hostile at all and that my only concern was to keep my child safe and given the medical circumstances it was wholly warranted. The Judge ordered that this was to be made a ''final order'' and that should be an end to it.

I cannot put into words how that made me feel. I have only ever put my childs needs first and now at the age of 14 it means ''wishes and feelings'' mean more and CAFCASS completely understood our position on contact. There is contact, but it isnt as much as Ex wanted.

I do not feel ''overjoyed'' because I actually feel very sad for my Ex. Not because he cant see our child as much as he would like (although that is sad), but because I feel that his legal team took complete advantage of him having Aspergers and carrying on the case when it was clear from the outset that there were very good reasons for keeping contact as it was and that our childs needs should have come first.

I realise that when paying privately that the client is always ''right'' - but surely there must be some decent legal teams out there who can recognise that someone with a condition like Aspergers might need help in understanding the legal process and hopefully avoiding putting everyone (including our child) through Absolute devastation - and all unnecessarily.

I am sure there must be other parents out there who are on the receiving end of such heartache and stress and I wanted you to know that even though it is difficult - there is light at the end of the tunnel - and if your reasons for wanting less contact with the other parent are ''real'' then hopefully this will be shown and your misery will come to an end.

Two years is a long time to be told you are vindictive and the worst parent in the world - so the relief I feel now cannot be expressed. I am grateful that our child is 14 - and can speak out - I wouldnt want to imagine a much younger child going through all this. Both myself and my child feel grateful to CAFCASS for seeing through all the nonsense and my child feels that the pressure has been taken off - pressure which should never have been there in the first place.

I would also like to add that if it wasnt for this place and the brilliant helpline - I would not have got through all this. I doubt many people realise that this whole thing is run by volunteers and that there is little funding and that it is funded by the owner himself - what a man - this forum must have helped thousands of people get through one of the worst/stressful experiences of their lives - so thankyou from us - we shall be forever grateful to you all.:)

Carer

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28 May 12 #333625 by carer
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Hi all,

I think I should have put this under the section for ''child contact hearings'' - can a clever person do it for me. Thanks

  • jslgb
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28 May 12 #333628 by jslgb
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Thank you for this post.

Although there arent any medical issues involved in my situation there are concerns over my daughters welfare whilst she is in the fathers care. My solicitors (on my 2nd one) friends and family all agree i am justified in my handling of the situation but the ex is very vocal in bashing me and publicly telling me to ''go f****** die'' on social media websites. My daughter is only 5 and has already witnessed too much due to her dad''s lack of concern. Its good to know that when you stand your ground and believe in what you know it can work out ok for your child.

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29 May 12 #333700 by AbsentFather
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What was it with your ex''s Aspergers that mean the could not cope with a 14 yr old?

How does it help the child by limiting their contact?

My wifes solicitors got her to go with the aspergers/mental illness allegations to limit my contact with my children.

I provided a psychiatric assessment and GP''s letter to say that I have no history of mental illness and am not autistic.

The allegations meant that the court insisted on supervised access, a psychiatric assessment of their choosing and that I should attend a CAFCASS contact centre and have 1 session watched by the case worker.

False allegations of aspergers/mental illness seem to have become the favourite method by which to limit fathers contact with children.

I could have spent 1-2 years fighting this nonsense but instead told the judge that I was not prepared to undergo the steps that the court laid out and was told that therefore I would have no contact with my children.

I am father to a 6 yr old and 2 yr old that I have now had no contact with or even telephone calls in 14 months.

Court sanctioned child abuse is better than leaving children with a father who is possibly emotionally cold?

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29 May 12 #333711 by carer
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Hi AbsentFather,

Sorry to hear you are going through stress.

My childs condition is life-threatening. My Ex''s Aspergers meant that he is unable to think in a logical way in an emergency situation - not deliberate - just Aspergers. I have logged many incidents that show this.

It helps the child in terms of the medical condition as child understands dad has limitations in his approach to medical care and doesnt feel safe in certain situations. A child with a life-threatening condition needs to feel that the carer can act when needed.

I have not made false allegations of Aspergers. Ex was diagnosed by his own Phsychologist pre-divorce - he has trouble accepting it.

Aspergers is not just about ''being cold'' - it is very complex and every person has different traits that can and do affect every aspect of their lives sadly.

I do find it difficult to understand why you wouldnt want to go through the Court process - even if it takes 1/2 years surely that is better for you and your children in the long term rather than no contact at all.

The aim of putting this thread up was to give hope to other parents in the same situation - not to be judged on whether this is the right outcome for myself and my child. My child has a good relationship with dad which is great, it is no-ones ''fault'' that dad cant cope (not dad''s fault as he isnt doing it deliberately) - but my child cant be put in a situation where there is danger - which has happened many times.

I hope that you can find a way through this and hopefully see your children in whatever form the Court feels is best for you all.

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29 May 12 #333719 by AbsentFather
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How does aspergers stop someone from seeking help with a child that has a life threatening condition?

What is illogical about his behaviour? Surely if your ex has got to this stage of his life then he has some sense of what to do in situations.

You honestly believe your ex would let your child die? That is not an aspergers trait.

I feel for the father of your children. Any sign of mental illness is quickly leapt upon by the opposing solicitors as a means by which to demonize their clients ex.

Aspergers is not a reason to keep children from a father.

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29 May 12 #333722 by dukey
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AbsentFather

You seem to be missing the point here, this lady has in no way attempted to prevent contact with dad, the child has used wishes and feelings to make his/her desires known, CAFCASS and court have accepted this and also made known this lady has in no way tried to block contact.

Most if not all teenagers have their own mind, they are becoming adults and make their own decisions.

It should also be noted that this child has a serious medical condition that means dad is not able to deal with, the fact is if the child feels safer with mum court must be great consideration to this.

I would guess this is a case of dad wants more time than the child wants to give, if so it has nothing to do with mum.

Sometimes people will pursue a matter through court against advice, this lady thinks he was led down the garden path to make money, do lawyers do this, well some do yes, more often though the lawyer is instructed to proceed, all the lawyer can do is advise, at the end of the day its the clients decision.

Carer many thanks for taking the time to let us all know how it ended,i`m sure everyone on wiki wishes your family well for the future.

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