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Update, 60 day no contact and more...

  • Kittykatt
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29 May 12 #333817 by Kittykatt
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hey peeps,

I haven''t posted for a while so I thought I would give you all an update, the writing may be quite therapeutic as well!

I have done my 60 days no contact as a start but am carrying it on indefinitely as to be quite frank I have nothing to say to someone who treated me so badly.

For those about to embark on it or considering the 60 day no contact rule to help you start to heal - it definitely does help, it allows you time and space away to heal, however I would say do not expect miracles. Don''t expect after 60 days all will be fine, I am still having lots of ups and downs but the ''ups'' are getting higher and the ''lows'' are not as low as they used to be.

Its one of those tough days today but when I look back to what a tough day was 6 months ago this is nothing! I think its very important to keep looking back and see and believe how far you have come, I think it is very easy to forget or just not see.

I have decided that I need to continue with the divorce process - I originally put this on hold so that I could get myself stronger. I am not sure if I am as strong as I would like to be to do it but I am concerned if I don''t that I will avoid it and not deal with it which in turn will prolong this whole ''journey''. It is very difficult when you are the one doing it - my stbx as usual gets away with shirking any responsibility!

Why is it that even though this was my choice (although I wasn''t given much of a choice by his actions) and even though I have got used to being on my own and deep down know things are better without him - why is actually doing the process so so hard?! Its just paper!

Anyway big breathe and solicitors tomorrow to apply for the Nisi.....

thanks for reading/listening :)x

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29 May 12 #333820 by cookie2
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Kittykatt wrote:

Don''t expect after 60 days all will be fine, I am still having lots of ups and downs but the ''ups'' are getting higher and the ''lows'' are not as low as they used to be.

Yep, agree with that! I''m on about 18 months NC, I stopped counting the days and even the months a long while ago. I have no interest in ever contacting her again. Still I have downs about it sometimes, but as you say, over time they''ve got less and less and now are quite infrequent.

They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else, maybe I should try that, hmm actually no I am quite happy with my Xbox and a bottle of vodka thanks!!!

Good luck tomorrow :)

  • Crumpled
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29 May 12 #333829 by Crumpled
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Hi KittyKatt good on you.. good luck with the lawyers tomorrow i have my paperwork here all filled in and ready to go just too scared to post it because i am also sick to my bones of how horrid my stbx has been as well.
i admire you for getting on with it !!!!!

  • raybird
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29 May 12 #333883 by raybird
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well done kittykat, im coming up for 2 months no contact and it certainly helps a great deal, good luck tomorrow xxxxxxxxxxx

  • Shoegirl
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29 May 12 #333899 by Shoegirl
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Great to hear from you and well done on 60 days no contact.

You are right that the 60 days is not a miracle cure. The whole theory goes once you have reached 60 days you will not want to resume contact at the end of it, which proved very true for me too. Like cookie I stopped counting a long time ago. I just don''t have any reason to be in contact with my Stbx who treated me with contempt.

Ups and downs are very common but get less over time. Swearing the affidavit for my Nisi broke my heart so I slowed down the process and allowed more time to heal. Now the divorce process feels like paperwork, it is no longer emotional for me. But again that''s about time and space to heal.

Even now though, I find myself delaying sending paperwork etc even when I know I am making excuses too busy etc. However you feel about the person, divorce is very final and doing the ending work particularly when the stbx(just like mine) is sitting back and doing nothing is emotionally draining, even when you have moved on to a large degree.

Keep going and my advice would be not to rush the process if it is upsetting and draining you. I took an extra few months and it was the best thing I could have done.

  • Kittykatt
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30 May 12 #334107 by Kittykatt
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Thanks Cookie, they do say that although I think it is much more wise to heal on your own, you become a stronger person for it (or so they say lol) I am avoiding getting involved with anyone at the moment and for a long time until I feel truthfully to myself that I am ready.

thanks Raybird and Livingintheday, the papers have come back a mess so have to see if they can sort out for me! I worry if I don''t start dealing with it it will just prolong this process but there is also a fine line between that and pushing yourself too hard too soon. its all individual and only you will know yourself. although I don''t think its something anyone one of us really want to do!

Shoegirl great to hear from you :)I wish I could say that the 60 days have made me never think about contacting him but that would be a lie, I haven''t and I wont (unless I have too in time for financial stuff) because it would not achieve anything and because quite frankly the hurt is still very raw and I don''t think I can forgive enough to be civil at the moment. It doesn''t happen often these days but it does cross my mind from time to time.

I have actually just spoke to someone whilst writing this who I haven''t spoken to since September time (before me and my stbx separated) and she said I sound so much happier! Its so easy to forget how bad things were and how far you have come. Need to keep reminding myself :)

hugs and thanks to you all xx

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30 May 12 #334178 by carer
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Hi Kittykatt,

Well done on keeping to the 60 days - it shows you can do it.

I am nearly two years down the line (Ex left) and at first wondered how I would cope - not because I loved him or would miss him - it was the total change. Sometimes what you *know* is better than the alternative - but if you arent happy then it is futile carrying on trying to make it work.

I have no feelings towards my Ex - it feels as if he is a stranger now - and I can honestly say that he is no longer relevant to me. I wish him no harm and feel sorry for him - but I dont spend any time thinking about him - he has just become a minor irritation.

I have found *me* again and I know my family all think that I am much happier and enjoying things again - 16 years is a long time to live in despair - so its onwards and upwards and it will be the same for you I promise.

As for the paperwork I dreaded it - but early on I made a decision to treat it like a job - so did half an hour or an hour every couple of days so it didnt become a huge burden or a mental block and it worked for me. You will find a way of coming to terms with it all but for now you have built a good foundation on which to build a happier more fullfilled life than you would have had if you stayed with your Ex. You will find strength you didnt know you had and that has to be a good thing.

Carer

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