My ex was a brilliant father, the children all considered him to be their best friend. When he left , 13 months ago, overnight and without warning they were absolutely devastated, they could not get their heads round how someone with such high moral principles could do what he did.
Since his sudden departure he has made little effort to contact them. Our daughter (now 24) took the decision after a few months to cut off all contact completely with him, our sons (now 19 & 23) took the decision that they would try to be ‘the better man’ and although they did not really want anything to do with him would keep in touch. They boys have each seen him once since he left. Although they don’t talk about it much I gather he only replies to their contact, never initiates it.
Recently our daughter who has various issues, including being unable to work and on DLA moved back to the family home, she hasn’t lived here since she was 18, obviously he doesn’t know about this.
On Wednesday he came by to collect some stuff he wanted. Suitable arrangements were made so that no one was in the house while he was here however that evening he emailed me and commented on the fact that our daughters stuff was here and asked me if she had moved back.
With her permission I replied with ‘yes it’s a permanent arrangement’. He then asked how she was to which I replied that I couldn’t answer as I had to respect her wishes that he does not know about her life , that was really hard to write but I did not expect his following reply;
It was like he was throwing his toys out of the pram and playing the violin at the same time, he complained that he thought he was friends with his children but friends do not treat each other like they are treating him. He accused them of punishing him for being fallible and bemoaned the fact that he has no choice in his life over this. He said that our daughter’s decision to cut contact was cowardly and childish.
He says he misses them, I’m sure he does but it does seem that’s only true when this fantasy bubbly he is living in occasionally bumps against reality. Surely he should be making some effort, showing some empathy for their position if he cares that much.
The email was all ''poor me'' what about his ''poor children''.
Understand how you feel. Neither of my children have contact with their Dad. He too claims he misses them but when they tried to talk to him he just made things worse. Claimed that although he made mistakes it was always because someone else did or said something that made him do it! Even had the nerve to tell them it was their fault he left because they stressed him out.
Unfortunately, until he takes responsibility for his own actions I doubt he will ever mend his relationship with them. I find this sad but when I look at the kids and see how well they are doing without him in their lives I realise they they are probably more mature and sensible than their Dad ever was.
However, well done to you for being there to support and help them through the difficult situation.