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Wife wanted seperation but gets agressive talking

  • lostandonthesofa
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11 Jun 12 #336112 by lostandonthesofa
Topic started by lostandonthesofa
Hi All

My wife decided we needed to be seperated last week.
She told me to leave, which I did not and now I sleep on a sofa, not in my bed. (I am very tired, angry, upset, deperssed etc)
Any time I say anything its met with agression, I try to think what will and wont upset her but some things I need to know.
I asked if their was someone else, she said its none of my business.
She went out friday night 9pm to 1am, the next day I asked where she said none of my business. and she got angry I was asking as this is controlling behavoir.
I did eventually find out she went round another mans (a friend) probably the person she wont stop texting.
I told her I wasnt happy on the sofa and I was going to get in my bed, she went mad and got very agressive, I said just because you say your seperated it does not mean you are. we have responsibility to each other, she got very angry and agressive again.

I want to goto bed, I want to be able to sleep but instead she has the best of both worlds, I am left looking after the kids, shes going to bed early in my bed and sleeping the night through.

How can I resolve this?
Do I have a right to sleep in my bed?

  • AbsentFather
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11 Jun 12 #336115 by AbsentFather
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She asked for the separation so she should move out or on to the sofa especially if you are left to look after the children.

Move back in. Be prepared for her to go into a rage but if she gets physcially abusive or threatening then call the police and insist that they remove her from the property (she has her male friend to go stay with).

  • Marshy_
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11 Jun 12 #336118 by Marshy_
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Hi Losta.

Dont leave the home. Unless there is a threat to yr safety. Thats the 1st thing I want to say.

Sleeping on the sofa may not be good. But can you get a sleeping bag or something. I had what is called a "ready bed". I think you can get them in argos. Its an Air bed with a sleeping bag all in. Get the air pressure right and its very comfortable. I slept in one for 11 months. When I did manage to sleep, I would say it was the best nights sleep I have ever had. Apart from now of course.

She is having an affair. I am sorry to tell you this. And there is no point in asking anymore. She wont tell you or she will get nasty with you.

Dont try and go back to the shared bed. Would you really want to sleep with her now? Its better that you make yr own sleeping araingments. There are some battles you should try and win and some you shouldnt bother with. This is one of those. You may want to get yrself checked out for sexual transmitted infections. I had to. And the wait was awful for to get the results. Thankfully they were all negative.

There is another option. That is shift the kids into a single room and you have that room. And you could lock the room then. But this may not be an option. It wasnt for me.

They are your kids. I know she is out galavanting. But all the same, I wouldnt try and force her to stay in or question her. Its clear that she doesnt want to tell you. So leave it.

Lastly. Its easy to antagonise someone to the point that they call the police. The risk is that they will believe her and not you. And you will get excluded from yr home. And its a short hop and a skip to get you permanently excluded. Not good. So dont pick fights with her or say anything to her to make her get nasty. Of course, she could just pick on you. It happens. And she may want an excuse to call the old bill. Dont give an excuse. Just walk away.

Now I dont know you or yr story that well. And I dont know what you mean by aggression. To me that means a weapon. My ex used knives and kitchen impliments. And she was handy with her fists and spitting etc. And there was times when I walked out. You may have to do this. But this may not apply to you.

Lastly. I want to mention something called a ready bag. This bag should contain anything you will need for a short stay away from home. Also, any important documents like drivers licence, or passport or birth certs. The bag doesnt have to be an actual bag. It can be a bin bag (Mine was at 1st) or a box. Or what ever container you have that is suitable. Also in that bag some spare wash kit and underwhere and socks etc. Basicly anything that you will need for an overnight stay. If the worst happens, and you have to leave in a hurry, you can just grab the bag and run. I had to use mine a few times. During the 11 months of what I call the troubles. That being when she met someone new. Like yr wife basicly.

Very lastly. This is very early days for you and I am truly sorry that this has happened to you. Yr not alone. Many of us (including me) have faced what you are facing and you will get past this. But right now, you are in a bad place. Just take each day as it comes and try and keep cool. C.

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11 Jun 12 #336120 by Marshy_
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Hi AF

AbsentFather wrote:

Move back in. Be prepared for her to go into a rage but if she gets physcially abusive or threatening then call the police and insist that they remove her from the property (she has her male friend to go stay with).


I understand yr thinking. But the police dont think like this. They go to a potentialy violent situation and it dont matter who called them, 9 /10 times they arrest the male. Thats just the way it is.

I agree she should be the one thats leaving and the one sleeping on the sofa. But its not worth the massive fight that will cause and she will probably call the police. C.

  • lostandonthesofa
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11 Jun 12 #336122 by lostandonthesofa
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Hi Guys thank you for the advice, nice in a horrible way to know other people are able to help.

I forgot a key part she is telling people we have decided to seperate, not she has decided. Should I set her parents straigh or just leave it?

I will try and back off a bit. I love having the monitor and dealing with the children. but longer term it seems I will be out of the house as its the woman who stays home.

Lastly I am still wearing my wedding ring, as I cant yet let go, does that matter?

Her facebook is all back to her Maiden Name as is MSN etc.

I am really unhappy.

  • AbsentFather
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11 Jun 12 #336127 by AbsentFather
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It does not always have to be the woman who stays in the marital home.

No court will make you homeless if you can show that you have absolutely no where else to live.

Your ex has the new bloke to move in with

  • jslgb
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11 Jun 12 #336131 by jslgb
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lostandonthesofa wrote:

Hi Guys thank you for the advice, nice in a horrible way to know other people are able to help.

I forgot a key part she is telling people we have decided to seperate, not she has decided. Should I set her parents straigh or just leave it?

I will try and back off a bit. I love having the monitor and dealing with the children. but longer term it seems I will be out of the house as its the woman who stays home.

Lastly I am still wearing my wedding ring, as I cant yet let go, does that matter?

Her facebook is all back to her Maiden Name as is MSN etc.

I am really unhappy.


This is all up to you and when you feel ready. I told my soon to be ex in-laws when i found out about my stbxh''s affair, but by that point they had heard all the lies about me and didnt care. We never really got on and we dont keep in touch. Would it make a difference? Are you on good terms?

With regards to your wedding ring, again totally up to you! We deal with this in our own ways. I took mine off as my stbxh packed. He kept his on a week or so after he left even though it was him that had the affair and left for the other woman!!

I agree with Marshy that your wife is most probably having an affair and is in the process of weighing up staying vs leaving. My stbxh did this for a while before leaving and continued to be back and forth after he left until i found out what he had been up to. She''s testing the waters to see what the other man can offer.

My advice would be to go at your own pace. It took me 18 months to ask my solicitor to start the divorce, even though everyone kept trying to push it. I needed to be in the right place for it. I''ve taken my time and 18 months on i''m feeling pretty good. So dont rush! Do whats right for you.

All the best x

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