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Family funerals...

  • Dazed
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12 Jun 12 #336230 by Dazed
Topic started by Dazed
Hi all,

Sadly, my ex''s grandmother passed away last week. I always got on well with her & she with me, although I hadn''tr seen her for a while due to me & ex splitting. We continued to swap cards though & I always thought I would see her again - sadly that wasn''t to be.

I have kept in touch with ex''s family & the funeral is tomorrow to which I have been invited. It transpires that the ow is going with my ex which in itself isn''t an unusual thing other than the fact that ex''s grandmother hated ow & wanted nothing to do with her. I was originally going to go to the funeral but the thought of breathing the same air as that woman literally makes me feel ill. I have thus far been fortunate enough never to run into her.

Now the family are angry that my ex is taking the ow to the funeral of someone who couldn''t stand her - but my ex is a law unto himself. I did swap a couple of texts with the ex about this (he was the one who informed me of his grandmothers death & told me when the funeral was) but he is adamant he wants ow there.

I have on balance decided not to go given that woman is to be in attendance & will just pay my respects privately afterwards. I''m really gutted about it as grandmother & I were fond of each other. However, this has caused big upset in the family because ow is going & not me. Nobody wants to get involved though & why should they, it''s a funeral for goodness sake, not a pi**ing competition.

To be honest, I want a quiet life & it''s ex''s family, not mine - even though I remain close to them.

It''s typical of my ex though to not give a stuff about what anyone else thinks or feels & just do what he wants, but his actions are just so disrespectful & makes me so angry - not for me but for his grandmother who wouldn''t even have ow in her house & had no desire to meet her.

I suppose I shouldn''t be surprised at anything he does anymore - but he really is a horrible, selfish person.


Dazed :angry:

  • leftwondering
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12 Jun 12 #336235 by leftwondering
Reply from leftwondering
Hi Dazed,

I wouldn''t go either.

Drop a condolences card through his mum and dad''s letterbox saying words to the effect... "I really wanted to attend the funeral but as (name)''s wife I cannot, as he insists on taking his current girlfriend. I hope you both understand."

I think the word "girlfriend" has a nice belittling sound to it.
Especially combined with "current".


  • rugby333
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12 Jun 12 #336238 by rugby333
Reply from rugby333
This is the most difficult part of divorce and relates to moving on: if you had properly moved on, then you would not care whether OW was going or not.

I think you should go for your own sake.

Essentially, the sooner you accept what is, the sooner you will move into a new space. Humanizing her and his new life will hurt like hell initially, but it will also change your perspective.

The additional bonus is that by going, you show him and OW that you have moved on - nobody who has left a marriage really likes to see that if they are honest!

  • cookie2
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12 Jun 12 #336273 by cookie2
Reply from cookie2
Ignore the OW. If you want to go and your ex and his family have no objections, then go.

If your ex does not want you there then you should not go. If you want to pay your respects then you could just hide in the trees in the background (like the FBI guys always do in the movies), or visit the grave on your own afterwards.

The last thing you want to do is cause a scene at the funeral, I am sure that is the last thing your ex''s grandmother would have wanted too.

  • redwine47
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12 Jun 12 #336293 by redwine47
Reply from redwine47
If you really want to go you should do so....... Forget about anyone else attending, its not ur problem. Put this person out of your mind
completely and think about the grandmother only...

It sounds to me your attendance will be welcome & appreciated by the family anyway...

  • Dazed
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12 Jun 12 #336296 by Dazed
Reply from Dazed
Thanks for your thoughtful replies. It''s all turning into the Jeremy Kyle show. Ex has text me to say his mum is stressed because I''m not going & could I just bite the bullet & go. It''s his actions which have put everyone in this position so why do I now feel like he wants to make this my fault.

I appreciate I''m not the bigger person here & I do want to pay my respects but the thought of being anywhere near the ow is literally making me feel sick. I have never seen her & given the hideous games which have been played over the last 3.5 years, I can''t just bite the bullet because it gets his mum off his back. It''s just easier if I pay my respects after ex has gone. So so sad - but this is the best thing for me.

Ex''s mum caleld me this morning & completely understands why I would not want to be there if OW is.

  • Emma8485
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12 Jun 12 #336299 by Emma8485
Reply from Emma8485
You could try sending him a message that says you entirely appreciate how his mother is stressed - you would very much like to attend however he should understand that if you did then you would not wish his partner to due to the history, and that you dont feel the conflict would be good for anyone.

Add that if he isnt able to agree to this then unfortunately you wont be able to attend, and then he will have to deal with any fallout from his family.

There isnt any point turning up and making yourself poorly over this.xxx

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