The other day - while looking for something completly different I came across some ''love letters'' that I had kept....because I had perceived them,at the time, as just that, loving.
I read them, expecting the dissolve into tears, but what I read reflected the essence of the selfish, self centered man he is now.
So, why didn''t I see it then? For various reasons, my self esteem at 20 was fairly low indeed - health problems unidentified, family issues, I had to give up my job...I felt worthless....and here was someone prepared to ''put up with me''....and I was grateful.....and this was a pattern that followed us through our relationship...I spent a lot of our relationship apolgising for not being well, but when I was well - he just ignored me. It was like a control thing. I realised when the children were small it suited him to have a ''stay at home wife'', he didn''t want anybody to threaten his (to use you own term) cock of the north stance.
My sister-in-law and I used to look at the way his father used to belittle his mother (a much nicer, much cleverer person). My ex was from the same mould.
So what would I say to someone of 20.....is he good enough for you......don''t settle for someone just because he is there......don;t settle for someone who does not see you as an equal.....but then of course we have kids, we are ''not equals'' in a work environment in some cases,....and that is certainly how I was judged.
Part of me would say ... To have never met x... But then I have two great children & wouldn''t have them without my x.
Another part of me wishes I''d have (forgive the term) grown a pair & divorced him / that i left a lot earlier as it hadn''t worked for a long time, but then would I have been able to cope emotionally & financially ... (probably would have finically tbh). But then I would have just carried on like an ostrich with my head in the sand & probably still be going at it now
If I were advising someone 20 yrs younger re a partner I would say make sure that:
You share the same values, ethical, religious & that the other party isn''t just playing lip service to these.
You share the same vision & see the same path to get to that vision.
Heck I don''t know, because love is blind & it''s not till you are a bit further down the line do you start to really see the other party for who they are, & sometimes thats a wake up call & sometimes you just dig in & carry on regardless, but I supose it is each individuals call at that time.
The person I met all those years ago does not seem the same person I know as my x now, but that''s life, or perhaps he was but as I said love is blind. Just have to hope that our children are better than that & don''t treat their partners as badly.
If I could turn back time, then I would love things to be as before she got the cheating vibe.
Maybe it''s like the "porno" vibe that some men latch onto?
With effin pole dancing and lap dancing stupid crap. Dickheads IMO anyway.
So after 30 years together she ditches me for some internet johnny and is so in love with him?
Gimme a break dear.
Effing well STAY with him...you fecking bimbo.
Do you know what turns me on?
I was coming back from the shops and there was a nice looking lady on ladders putting up curtains in her window.
No fancy clothes or makeup.
But she looked damn sexy and desirable!
She loved her house. She loved her family.
That''s what love revolves around..
Not candlelight dinners and bunches of roses. (Though there are times for that.)
Looking after your kids and looking after each other.
In good times, bad times, in sickness and in health.
That is MARRIAGE.
Not having a hard on over a piece of ass at the checkout or falling in love with some some guy who gives you a wink over the coffee machine at work..
What we have all forgotten.
In search for a personal Nirvana...and prepared to boot in the face the person you were with in order to climb that extra step to what you think is happiness?
Anyway, no matter how far I turn the clock back, I have always been an honest, decent, non-cheating guy all my life.
I think we all start out that way.
I don''t have ANY insecurities in my life except for the ones I gave away for having a wife and a daughter and wanting to do the best for them.
I would have got out the cab at Happy Howards Wine Bar that Saturday night after Rugby.
Rather than saying I spose I''d better go to sisters engagement party lads She''ll be well pxssed off if I blow it out.
Oh Dear that''s where I met the harridan!!!
See it''s the little decisions in life that go on to have life changing consequences not the big ones
All the best